OK, Kim, I don't know where to start here? My name is Frank. I live in the Cabarete but, I’m willing to relocate if the North Coast cramps your style. However, I want to be honest and upfront with you right off the bat: I cannot live in the U.S because I have warrants out for my arrest. I cannot live in Europe because I have two ex-wives there who I owe money too. I cannot live in Africa because I hate the sun and heat and I’m afraid of war and malaria. I cannot live in Asia because Asian people speak funny and I cannot understand Asian. However, I can live in Iceland or Greenland, provided there are brothels nearby.
I’m bi-lingual in three languages (Spanish, Norwegian, and English). However, I also have been heard muttering Gibberish in my sleep, so maybe it’s probably fair to say that I’m tri-lingual?
My background is in the service industry: restaurants and bars (No I have not slept with lots of girls.) I have 27 dog years of experience in customer service (about 7 years human). My responsibilities include checking girls out and eating 50 eggs at one sitting. I have a bachelorette degree in Human Relationships, but I’ve worked in restraints for the last two years. I have a lifetime’s worth of technical expertise (I wasn’t born – my mother simply chose‘eject child’ from the special menu in Dayton, Ohio back in 64.)
Achievements: I’ve won many awards at the Irish restaurant where I work: The first award is for eating 50 eggs in 30 minutes. My other award is a nomination for St. Patrick’s Day Irish Prom Queen. I wore a green dress that i made myself out of old velvet curtains that i bought at a garage sale in Dayton, Ohio in 79. I’m very proud of both awards.
My reason for leaving my last job was because, as I mentioned, I have outstanding warrants out for my arrest in Ohio, and B.) Bounty hunting is illegal in Ohio.
Education: I have nearly a PHD in Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Judge Judy. I have repeated courses repeatedly. But don't let that fool you.
My dream girlfriend would be 20 years old but, since I that ain't going to happen, I will settle for someone older who has enough money where I do not have to work any more. My hobbies include hunting for psychedelic mushrooms in cow pastures, drinking lots of coffee, traveling, and going to strip clubs. However, I’m willing to change my ways for the right woman. She can be a big woman. I have a lot of love and affection to give; size doesn't matter. She can be a big woman.
Bad traits: I have a few bad traits that I want to be upfront and honest about: First, I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I get up in the morning. Any girlfriend that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare. I’m just saying.
Objective: I need a rich girlfriend because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young girlfriends with gifts, and have a menu entr?e consisting of more than soup. I would like a girlfriend that is very lax when it comes to tardiness. Another objective of mine is to hopefully associate with a millionaire one day. So one of the main things for me is, as the movie ‘Jerry McGuire’ puts it, ‘Show me the money!’
Life Experiences: Well, I have not yet been abducted by aliens. I try and limit important relationships to people who want to do what I want them to do. I find it makes things easier this way.
Reason for leaving my last girlfriend: I thought the world was coming to an end, and because she caught me cheating with her sister.
Skills: I have integrity so I will not steal your jewelry and take them to the Compre/Vente (Pawn Shop) in Puerto Plata. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
Favorite Activities: Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Employment gap: I have an extensive employment gap but, honestly, it was simply because I was getting over the death of my cat for three years.
Cleaning skills: bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, mopping, etc.
Qualifications as a boyfriend: I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of people trying to win your hand. Plus I can type without looking at the keyboard. And I can operate without any additional oxygen above 6000 feet.
References: Please do not contact my immediate supervisor or boss at the restaurant where I work. My friends will give me a better reference. My friends are not limited to, but include these people: Garry P, Rob, Zollie, Kevin, Paul, Bo, Mary, Edelina, Miguelina, and my mother. But I don’t know their phone numbers.
Sincerely, Frank
Good luck on the search and do let us know if you're coming down! 
