Best Obituary Ever

AlterEgo

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Jan 9, 2009
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Not a joke. This is a for-real obit from last week, it's the best one I've ever read. Someone in the family has a talent for writing about someone they obviously adored. Who smiles reading an obituary? I did.

Harry Weathersby Stamps

December 19, 1932 -- March 9, 2013

Long Beach

Harry Weathersby Stamps, ladies' man, foodie, natty dresser, and accomplished traveler, died on Saturday, March 9, 2013.

Harry was locally sourcing his food years before chefs in California starting using cilantro and arugula (both of which he hated). For his signature bacon and tomato sandwich, he procured 100% all white Bunny Bread from Georgia, Blue Plate mayonnaise from New Orleans, Sauer's black pepper from Virginia, home grown tomatoes from outside Oxford, and Tennessee's Benton bacon from his bacon-of-the-month subscription. As a point of pride, he purported to remember every meal he had eaten in his 80 years of life.

The women in his life were numerous. He particularly fancied smart women. He loved his mom Wilma Hartzog (deceased), who with the help of her sisters and cousins in New Hebron reared Harry after his father Walter's death when Harry was 12. He worshipped his older sister Lynn Stamps Garner (deceased), a character in her own right, and her daughter Lynda Lightsey of Hattiesburg. He married his main squeeze Ann Moore, a home economics teacher, almost 50 years ago, with whom they had two girls Amanda Lewis of Dallas, and Alison of Starkville. He taught them to fish, to select a quality hammer, to love nature, and to just be thankful. He took great pride in stocking their tool boxes. One of his regrets was not seeing his girl, Hillary Clinton, elected President.

He had a life-long love affair with deviled eggs, Lane cakes, boiled peanuts, Vienna [Vi-e-na] sausages on saltines, his homemade canned fig preserves, pork chops, turnip greens, and buttermilk served in martini glasses garnished with cornbread.

He excelled at growing camellias, rebuilding houses after hurricanes, rocking, eradicating mole crickets from his front yard, composting pine needles, living within his means, outsmarting squirrels, never losing a game of competitive sickness, and reading any history book he could get his hands on. He loved to use his oversized "old man" remote control, which thankfully survived Hurricane Katrina, to flip between watching The Barefoot Contessa and anything on The History Channel. He took extreme pride in his two grandchildren Harper Lewis (8) and William Stamps Lewis (6) of Dallas for whom he would crow like a rooster on their phone calls. As a former government and sociology professor for Gulf Coast Community College, Harry was thoroughly interested in politics and religion and enjoyed watching politicians act like preachers and preachers act like politicians. He was fond of saying a phrase he coined "I am not running for political office or trying to get married" when he was "speaking the truth." He also took pride in his service during the Korean conflict, serving the rank of corporal--just like Napolean, as he would say.

Harry took fashion cues from no one. His signature every day look was all his: a plain pocketed T-shirt designed by the fashion house Fruit of the Loom, his black-label elastic waist shorts worn above the navel and sold exclusively at the Sam's on Highway 49, and a pair of old school Wallabees (who can even remember where he got those?) that were always paired with a grass-stained MSU baseball cap.

Harry traveled extensively. He only stayed in the finest quality AAA-rated campgrounds, his favorite being Indian Creek outside Cherokee, North Carolina. He always spent the extra money to upgrade to a creek view for his tent. Many years later he purchased a used pop-up camper for his family to travel in style, which spoiled his daughters for life.

He despised phonies, his 1969 Volvo (which he also loved), know-it-all Yankees, Southerners who used the words "veranda" and "porte cochere" to put on airs, eating grape leaves, Law and Order (all franchises), cats, and Martha Stewart. In reverse order. He particularly hated Day Light Saving Time, which he referred to as The Devil's Time. It is not lost on his family that he died the very day that he would have had to spring his clock forward. This can only be viewed as his final protest.

Because of his irrational fear that his family would throw him a golf-themed funeral despite his hatred for the sport, his family will hold a private, family only service free of any type of "theme." Visitation will be held at Bradford-O'Keefe Funeral Home, 15th Street, Gulfport on Monday, March 11, 2013 from 6-8 p.m.

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you make a donation to Mississippi Gulf Coast Community College (Jeff Davis Campus) for their library. Harry retired as Dean there and was very proud of his friends and the faculty. He taught thousands and thousands of Mississippians during his life. The family would also like to thank the Gulfport Railroad Center dialysis staff who took great care of him and his caretaker Jameka Stribling.

Finally, the family asks that in honor of Harry that you write your Congressman and ask for the repeal of Day Light Saving Time. Harry wanted everyone to get back on the Lord's Time.

View & sign register book @ www.bradfordokeefe.com

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Harry Stamps Obituary: View Harry Stamps's Obituary by The Sun Herald

Read more here: Harry Stamps Obituary: View Harry Stamps's Obituary by The Sun Herald
 

frank12

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Sep 6, 2011
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This is the obituary that I wrote for my father, Federico, when he passed away here in Bonao in 2004. My cousin still has it hanging in his bank office wall. The obituary was distributed to everyone who knew Federico, and was translated (reluctantly) into Spanish from my cousin Dr. Angie Nunez who lives in Florida.

Obituary or Memoriam for Federico "Donkey Kong" Genao September, 14, 1939 ~ May, 2004

A Celebration of the life of Federico "Donkey Kong" Genao will be held on May 16th, 12:30pm, 2004, at the "Old" Cemetery, Bonao.

Tired of hearing obituaries noting someone's immaculate grace, honesty, righteousness, and courageous battles with vices, Federico wanted it known that he died as a result of being stubborn as a donkey, a shameless sinner, proud owner of a dozen brothels, an unapologetic womanizer, and hell raiser to such an extent that he looked forward to meeting the devil in person for no other reason than he thought he could get into her pants.

He enjoyed booze, strippers, motorcycles and younger women until the day he died. Federico was born September 14, 1939 in Bonao, Dominican Republic to Rafael and “Bebe” Genao. A community hell raiser, he is noted for saving the Soapy-Soapy brothels in Bonao from demolition and defending those who could not defend themselves. He was a proud atheist, life-long member of the House of the Rising Sun Brothel, founder and President of the Dead Poets Society of Bonao (DPSB, of which he was the only active member).

He loved reading and writing. He was a voracious reader of all things sublime and could always be found sitting in his outhouse reading Henry David Thoreau. His favorite quotes by Thoreau were these: 1.) “A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone,” 2.) “After the first blush of sin comes its indifference,” 3.) “Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something.” 4.) “Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.”

Federico was preceded in death by Rafael and Bebe Genao, survived by his beloved sons Frank and Lucas “Papin”, former wife Marilyn Moffett, brothers Dr. Frank Genao (urologist) & Dr. Jose Genao, and his pets—Lucy his Labrador Retriever, Mabel his cat (Mabel compulsively urinated on Federico during the night when she was too lazy to get out of his bed and walk outside in the rain), Dolly his donkey, and numerous cousins and nephews whom were all spoiled brats but appreciated his absurd, dark, politically incorrect, humor.

So many of Federico's childhood friends that made it to the USA went on to become career criminals, prostitutes, drug dealers and/or transvestite liberals. He asks that you stop by and have some Jack Daniels on him and embellish crazy stories he can no longer tell. As the Celebration will contain material that would make Lenny Bruce squirm and shy away, we respectfully ask that no children under 18 attend.

Frank
 
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dv8

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Sep 27, 2006
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speaking of which: please, when i die and you have a RIP dv8 thread here (you WILL have it, right?), i beg of you, do not let chip post anything about how i am meeting jesus facet to face now. i leave it to you, alterego, as a moderator, to delete such posts or you will face the wrath of my ghost that will make paranormal activity stuff look like a play by primary school kids.

speculations on the causes of my death are invited. you have my blessing to talk about my involvement in human trafficing and scientology. but no jesus.
 

jackichan

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Jun 23, 2011
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speaking of which: please, when i die and you have a RIP dv8 thread here (you WILL have it, right?), i beg of you, do not let chip post anything about how i am meeting jesus facet to face now. i leave it to you, alterego, as a moderator, to delete such posts or you will face the wrath of my ghost that will make paranormal activity stuff look like a play by primary school kids.

speculations on the causes of my death are invited. you have my blessing to talk about my involvement in human trafficing and scientology. but no jesus.

I wonder what Jesus did to you,. anyways i can't wait to meet, walk and talk to him face-to-face :)
 

frank12

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Sep 6, 2011
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I wonder what Jesus did to you,. anyways i can't wait to meet, walk and talk to him face-to-face :)

I've met Jesus...numerous times...he's a homosexual. True story.

PS. I've also met numerous priests over the years while working in Gay bars...every single one of them was a homosexual. True story.

Love Frank
 

windeguy

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Jul 10, 2004
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I wonder what Jesus did to you,. anyways i can't wait to meet, walk and talk to him face-to-face :)

Jesus better hope to hell that I don't ever see him. Of course, I know I never will. It is hard to meet a dead man.
 

jackichan

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Jun 23, 2011
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I've met Jesus...numerous times...he's a homosexual. True story.

PS. I've also met numerous priests over the years while working in Gay bars...every single one of them was a homosexual. True story.

Love Frank

Nope, He's not
 

AlterEgo

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Jan 9, 2009
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speaking of which: please, when i die and you have a RIP dv8 thread here (you WILL have it, right?), i beg of you, do not let chip post anything about how i am meeting jesus facet to face now. i leave it to you, alterego, as a moderator, to delete such posts or you will face the wrath of my ghost that will make paranormal activity stuff look like a play by primary school kids.

Well, considering the fact that I'm old enough to be your momma, I think I'LL be haunting YOU.
 

AlterEgo

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AlterEgo, do you have any idea what "competitive sickness" might be?


I suspect it is a cousin to hypochondria. Or more likely someone who insists they are sicker than you are with whatever is going around. MY head hurt more than yours, my surgery was more dangerous than yours, they were going to give me Last Rites, etc.
 

the gorgon

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Sep 16, 2010
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I suspect it is a cousin to hypochondria. Or more likely someone who insists they are sicker than you are with whatever is going around. MY head hurt more than yours, my surgery was more dangerous than yours, they were going to give me Last Rites, etc.

that is what i thought, but i wanted a second opinion