Doctor jokes

D

DOMINCAN JOE

Bronze
Aug 15, 2006
1,992
38
0
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor"s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it"s like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. "Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin" it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
......................................................................................................................................................
Patient: ?Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?? Doctor: ?Limp!

Doctor, doctor, these pills you gave me for BO are rubbish!? ?What?s wrong with them?? ?They keep slipping out of my armpits!?

?Doctor, doctor, there?s a strawberry growing out the top of my head.? ?I?ll give you some cream to put on that.?

?Doctor, doctor, I?ve lost my memory!? ?When did this happen?? ?When did what happen?

Doctor, doctor, I?m a kleptomaniac!? ?Take these pills and if that doesn?t work pick me up a DVD player.?

Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses.? ?You certainly do. This is a garage.?

?Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I?m a dog.? ?Sit on the couch and we?ll talk about it.? ?I can?t, I?m not allowed on the couch!?

?Doctor, doctor, I feel terrible!? ?What are the symptoms?? ?It?s a cartoon show with yellow people.?

Doctor, doctor, I can?t stop my hands shaking!? ?Do you drink a lot?? ?Of course not. I spill most of it!?

Doctor, doctor, I can?t get to sleep.? ?Sit on the edge of the bed and you?ll soon drop off.?

?Doctor, doctor, have you got something for a headache?? ?Yes. Take this hammer and hit yourself on the head.?

Doctor, doctor, can you cure my sleepwalking?? ?Try these.? ?Are they sleeping pills?? ?No. They?re tin tacks. Sprinkle them on the floor.?
 
M

Me_again

Bronze
Nov 21, 2004
901
2
0
81
An eighty-five year old man was at the doctors office with his eighty year old wife. She explained to the doctor that her husband was deaf and the only way to communicate with him was for her to shout in his ear. After he’d examined the patient the consultation went on something like this:

Doctor: Your husband is very ill Mrs B
Husband: What’s he say?
Wife: HE SAYS YOU’RE VERY ILL

Doctor: There are several things it could be.
Husband: What’s he say?
Wife: HE SAYS THERE ARE SEVERAL THINGS IT COULD BE

Doctor: We’re going to have to do some tests to narrow it down.
Husband: What’s he say?
Wife: HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOME TESTS TO MAKE SURE WHAT IT IS

Doctor: We’re going to need some specimens for the laboratory
Husband: What’s he say?
Wife: HE’S GOING TO NEED SPECIMENS FOR THE LABORATORY

Doctor (aside): Mrs B perhaps you can wait until I’ve said everything then you tell him
Wife (nods):Okay

Doctor (carrying on): We’re going to need a stool sample and a urine sample. Then also we’ll need a blood sample and a semen sample.
Husband: What’s he say?
Wife: HE SAYS HE WANTS YOUR UNDERPANTS
 
Hlywud

Hlywud

Gold
Jan 1, 2002
6,962
118
63
Member of DR1 since 2002
www.beyondthebeach.ca
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."
 
Hlywud

Hlywud

Gold
Jan 1, 2002
6,962
118
63
Member of DR1 since 2002
www.beyondthebeach.ca
Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."

"That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
 
Hlywud

Hlywud

Gold
Jan 1, 2002
6,962
118
63
Member of DR1 since 2002
www.beyondthebeach.ca
An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
 
B

Bob K

Silver
Aug 16, 2004
2,520
121
63
A Doctor goes to sign some forms at a bank and pulls a thermometer out of his pocket. He then exclaims "oh darn some a-hole has my pen"

BobK
 
E

Eddy

Silver
Jan 1, 2002
3,668
219
0
Woman calls her doctor. Doctor this is Mrs..... did I forget my panties at your office. No mam. Oh, then they must be at the dentist's.
 
M

Me_again

Bronze
Nov 21, 2004
901
2
0
81
A doctor is examining a young girl who lisps.

He's listening to her chest.

Doctor: Big breaths.

Patient: Yeth, and I'm only thicksteen.

(From Doctor in the House, Richard Gordon.)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom