I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next $hit could spell disaster.
**
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
**
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
**
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done"
**
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
**
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, soldier on.
**
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
**
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
**
I came home one night and proudly announced to me Dad that I had S E X for the first time. He said "I hope you took precautions?"
"What do you mean" I asked
"did you wear a condom?"
“Nah, but I kept me balaclava on.”
***
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright."
I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your attractive friend over there instead of you."
***
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table,
I said to her, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so? "
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
***
Got caught having a **** in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
***
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
**
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
**
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
**
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done"
**
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
**
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, soldier on.
**
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
**
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
**
I came home one night and proudly announced to me Dad that I had S E X for the first time. He said "I hope you took precautions?"
"What do you mean" I asked
"did you wear a condom?"
“Nah, but I kept me balaclava on.”
***
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright."
I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your attractive friend over there instead of you."
***
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table,
I said to her, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so? "
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
***
Got caught having a **** in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
***
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."