Jokes

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
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I want to rename my cat Stains so when I call for him to come inside I can yell "Come Stains!" and see how many neighbors give me dirty looks
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I've had three bunches of flowers delivered today," my wife giggled, "Was it you?"

"Of course it was babe," I replied, "You know I like to treat my wife every now and then".

"They must have cost you a bomb," she said.

"Nah, I just told few of the neighbours that your mother had died".
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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one night and the neighbours dog's barking in the garden.

Paddy says, "Not very Happy!" and storms downstairs.

Five minutes later he comes back upstairs and his wife says, "What did you do?"

Paddy says, "I've put the dog in our garden - let's see how they like it!"
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Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy, a German Shepherd owner, says, "let's go in that bar over there and have a drink."

The other says, "They'll never let us in with the dogs."

The first replies, "Just follow me," and dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says, "But this is my guide dog," and is allowed in.

His friend does the same. The doorman says, "I've never ever seen a Chihuahua guide dog before."

To which the guy responds, "WHAT! They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
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We are always told we should look after and keep an eye on our old neighbours.
Why the should we? My 87 year old neighbour is such a lazy bitch, she hasn't even taken her newspapers in for two weeks.
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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.
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Met this gorgeous girl at a bar the other night. Told her I had months to live.
She felt so sorry for me she took me home and gave me the best sex I have ever had.

Afterwards she said "so do you know how many months you have left?"

"Yeah," I replied. "Doc reckons I should see at least another 700 or so."
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My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind
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Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I have 1 at home!!!

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65."
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
"Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
"So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."
"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"