One liners

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, " soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could just feel something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest pen!s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should
change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost
by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct
answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but
I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new
bomber jackets.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said
"Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
another site. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing
I know 4,000 dumbass Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular
people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our
garden hose only reaches the driveway.