Real Resume Quotes

Seeking Employment:

OBJECTIVE: My goal is to obtain the esteemed position of Bank President or Brothel Manager?possibly both?if the hours are not too long. I?m not looking for too much upward mobility simply because, to be perfectly honest, I?m trying to avoid hard work as much as possible. I don?t like too much responsibility. I find that too much responsibility interferes with my time looking at girls on the beach. I?m a professional girl watcher. You could say that I hold a PHD in girl watching.

I?m also a professional at looking very busy while the boss is around, but can sleep with my eyes wide open.

EDUCATION:
High School Bonao: Still working on my Diploma?almost there!

SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS ? Trilingual in two languages, but I can also talk in a secret language I perfected on donkeys and prostitutes; I call it Hee-Haw.

Excellent work history. I can sleep with my eyes wide open and look as if I?m giving customers my full attention. I?m also very motivated, well organized, and detailed-oriented as long as food, chocolate, or poontang is rewarded.

Ability to work well with others and able to handle multiple tasks and projects simultaneously as long as I get my power nap in before noon.
Good communication, written and customer service skills. I can feign looking busy.

Ability to be on time with a good attendance record as long as money, chocolate or beaver is around.

Computer programs that I excel at are these: Facebook.com, Match.com, eHarmony.com, Christiandating,com, and nudist-camps.com, wife-swap.com.

WORK EXPERIENCE:
Currently I am a glorified dishwasher & TV Remote Channel Changer. My current place of employment facilitates madness, nutcases, eccentrics, mentally challenged, sexual deviants, sexually desperate, and extraordinary cheap people from Quebec, Montreal, and the Midwest.

My current responsibilities include certifying crazy people at the bar?this includes?but are not limited to?religious nutcases, UFO abductees, sexually deprived divorcees, stray dogs, shoe-shine boys, beggars, tramps, thieves and donkeys. Basically, I pat people on the back and reassure them that they are normal despite all evidence to the contrary.
Another part of my job includes maintaining clean remote controls and organizing them for the day to day operations.

September 2008 to now ? Bartender & Glorified Psychologist. I provide face to face sales and customer service for people?s anxieties, relationship troubles, and tribulations. I am responsible for providing each new and returning customer with all the necessary information needed to make semi-educated everyday decisions and choices, which include?but are not limited to?finding the best burger, best beer, best brothel, best beef nachos, and best one hour girlfriend. This job required maintaining beer and girls in inventory and rotating the stock and making them as presentable as possible.

More Qualifications:
1.) Bilingual Interpreter and provide translating and interpreting services between Dominican working girls and overweight, balding, socially inept, retired customers from Germany, Quebec, and the Midwest. Duties included translating a variety of dialects and languages?including Aunt Jemima and Beaver whispering?as well as consultations and mediation sessions. I?m also qualified to serve as an interpreter between the ladies and the Johns. I can mediate and help negotiate win-win deals between both parties.

2.) Fulfillment Coordinator: Fulfillment department coordinator for overweight, short-sighted customers and local girls who hang out in bars. I can provide pick-up and delivery, as well as door to door sales, and advanced conditioning and cardio-vascular training.

In conclusion, feel free to contact me at your earliest convenience. I can be found sitting at the bar 7 days a week, 12 hours day, provided there is some sort of Happy Hour, sporting event on television, or topless girls sitting at the bar.

Sincerely, Frank?The Cabarete Tank

I worked at a place once where we were hiring a bartender. When asked if they had any experience, an applicant wrote, "No, but I've seen the movie, Cocktail 15 times!"

. . . and when asked to give a reference on any of these people:

"I cannot recommend this person highly enough for the position you describe."

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