Hi folks, thanks to all for this terrific forum to get first hand information about the DR and its people, good or bad. This will be a long post as I have to lay it all out in front of you for a balanced opinion and advice as I met a woman from the DR. You will note that, perhaps, a case clear cut in the beginning is not as clear cut by the end going through the trouble having read all of it; at least not for me. First the facts, then the story:
About me:
48 years, working in a good position (development team lead in a microelectronics company) in Switzerland, spent the last 15 years working mostly outside Europe (where I am from) including third world countries. I relocated to a new country in average every 2 years, traveled a lot including backpacking trips of several months a long time ago. So, I've been around and know that life is not so great for a lot people in a lot of countries. Nightclubbing and going out as such (except with workmates for a beer after work occasionally) is not so much my thing anymore (tried online dating local folks, but, I'd rather stay by myself than having to deal with what I've met) and I heed the rule 'do not date co-workers'. Besides, there isn't much around the office for doing so anyway (electronics.. remember...).
So far never married, thus no baggage; my life had been interesting but too unsettled the past years so I never came around having a family of my own. However, this may or may not change as I now decided to stay put where I am. I am a normal looking dude, in good health and shape (hitting the gym twice a week). Meanwhile I do speak a bit of Spanish.
About her (Maria):
32 years of age, and pretty much the usual 'Dominican tale' - poor background, 4 years of school, father died long ago, 5 siblings, does not seem to have children of her own (that what she says. I know this may or may not be true, but let her give the benefit of doubt for the time being). No tattoos, does not drink (more on this below), does not smoke, does not wear all kinds of blingbling/gold except what any other woman does, Dominican or not, such as ear rings and a necklace. She looks pretty, yes, but does not stand out being that 'ravishingly good looking young chick'. To support her family at home, since about 3 years, she works in Switzerland in what is called here 'cabaret', i.e. a topless bar, essentially as a stripper (bad news, I know). She does not speak English and all her family live in Santiago.
Visa in Switzerland:
Citizen not holding a passport of a European Union country may work temporarily in Switzerland with certain types of visas. For DR girls the easiest to obtain is an L-type visa which allows them to work legally 3 months in one go in any given 6 months period. The type of work is also restricted to basically what swiss women would rather not do such as stripper (or 'dancer' as the like to see it themselves and as per what is stated in the contract).
The story:
The way we met does not bode well of course because we 'met' in a cabaret, beginning this year. Over time, after having met her many times and spending time with her including those days where she was 'off duty', we got closer. I support her financially. Needless to say, it all goes back home to her mum. Sure, it goes the Dominican way: her earnings here for her family + what I contribute. However, I do say 'no' and also keep telling her to plan her finances and that I will not (and have not) give her all she wants.
Around Easter this year I flew the first time to the DR, Santiago, and met her family. By the time that happened they moved to a nice house for rent (that I paid, some 300 francs per month, so, not much) which they did for me essentially. I was there 10 days because I just first wanted to get a glimpse of what they would be like; basically to just say 'hello'. They showed me around, we also went to the place where they lived before; a poor barrio with the typical simple concrete walled shacks with corrugated metal sheet roofs; certainly not the safest place on earth. They will keep that place and plan to rent it out. And yes, I was happy they moved out from there before I came. I would not have liked to stay there all the time (deliberately I did not want to stay in a hotel so that I can get to know them). While I was there they included me into all their activities and the house was always full because they wanted to meet me all of course. While there of course they wanted me to buy stuff for them. So, I bought a new big fridge (the old one was small and falling apart). Maria also wanted us to go to a resort because none of them ever went to one. I said ok, so a bunch of about 10 people went to a nice beach resort for two nights, all inclusive, which cost me just USD 1200 which was ok I thought and made them very, very happy.
My observations:
Life in the house is mostly hanging around and watching TV, day time is filled with people visiting, talking and household chores. Cleaning the house was shared among the younger women. Cooking is done by mum and also by others, larger cooking procedures seems to be shared by all, including a helping hand by the younger, unmarried brothers. Mum is the boss but does not need to do much to ascertain that position, all respected that (albeit being a terrible dancer, in particular to Latin tunes, I danced with her one evening at the resort as the 'thing I should do' so to speak). She also did most of the cooking, in particular for evening meals. Maria's oldest brother has job and family, the younger two were a bit useless lounging around mostly, occasionally doing stuff around the house, sort of 'handy men'. Saying 'thanks' and 'please' wasn't a concept they were familiar with. Considering their social background this probably isn't surprising. Funny was that they started doing so, albeit a bit reluctant and feeling a bit awkward doing so (macho thing I guess) after a while I was around.
However, THE undisputed sort of 'chief operating officer' of the house was Maria. She told everybody what to do and what not, organised the shopping (me being the 'pay master' of course), looked after the food supplies, made all the arrangements for transport (to the resort for example) determined who and who did not join the trip to the resort and so on. There was once a situation, lacking sufficient Spanish I did not fully understand what went on, were she became angry and harshly told off some members of the family calling them 'parasites'. (I was in the adjacent room and could not see to whom).
Now, this experience changed my perception of her and that she perhaps could be a wife (?????). She also said that she would like to settle and have a family, also considering her age.
The bummer:
Reason for her to come to Switzerland was making money of course to support her mum (family) and buy a house to get out of her 'peligrosso' barrio. At home they don't know what kind of work it is. When I asked her whether her mum knows she quickly responded 'Noooooo way'. Well, after a while of being with her she asked me to buy a house in a good barrio with a large garden fairly central in Santiago. For her mum and for 'ti y yo'. Here we are talking about much more than USD 20k as one poster quoted previously. So, what to do? First I said no, eventually I bought the house for her, in her name only. Crazy you would say (don't worry, it did not ruin me), but please hang on. Reason why, was an (indeed very expensive) test: would she run away, after the house was bought? She did not, not at all. I asked myself what is cheaper: buying a house now and her running away or her putting up a show until the marriage and the house may have happened and then run away. The latter being a lot more costly AND adding the legal hassle of divorce. (You could argue she wants the house AND also permanent residency in Switzerland and then she will run away. However, how far is one to go with mistrust which I expressed to her often enough anyway.)
The fallout - what to do???:
Now, after 10 months of seeing her (she is here now, working to fullfil her contract and then 'no m?s'), I am putting her through a crisis. A crisis is good because it brings out other sides of people. I told her that I do not like her asking me for money all the time. Because of that and all the cultural differences etc. I will end it. I told her she should not fret because the house is her's anyway (testing her).
Ok, this situation is hard to put into words how she reacted when I met her to tell her face to face. Anyway, she did not say much but just nodded quietly, 'knowingly that men are bad in general' and pulling a face; not crying but close to tears. I could easily tell. Genuine feeling? All fake? I am just not sure...
We use one of those instant phone messengers to communicate because she works here in the cabaret, night time, and live in a different town far away. Now she is asking me why all this and that she is 'muy triste' and that she thought we would be together 'siempre' and so on. So, she has not given up on me although I told her NO and keep telling her NO. I also stopped giving her money at all. But, she does not give up. Genuine? All just fake? I do not know for sure.
Again, my apologies for this 'novel' of mine but felt I had to do this because to me the whole situation is a bit of a mixed bag. Should I keep it the NO status and all is over or continue and, eventually, marry her so we can live together here in Switzerland and, so luck holds, live in that house over there once I retire? (Yes, there would be a pre-nuptial and ' separaci?n de bienes' or course and whatever else I can possibly do to make her 'cleaning me out' financially as difficult as possible. I told her that before.)
So, what do you think? What would you advise? But please let me know more than just one-liners 'you should run for the hills'. This isn't helping. Thanks & have a great weekend.
About me:
48 years, working in a good position (development team lead in a microelectronics company) in Switzerland, spent the last 15 years working mostly outside Europe (where I am from) including third world countries. I relocated to a new country in average every 2 years, traveled a lot including backpacking trips of several months a long time ago. So, I've been around and know that life is not so great for a lot people in a lot of countries. Nightclubbing and going out as such (except with workmates for a beer after work occasionally) is not so much my thing anymore (tried online dating local folks, but, I'd rather stay by myself than having to deal with what I've met) and I heed the rule 'do not date co-workers'. Besides, there isn't much around the office for doing so anyway (electronics.. remember...).
So far never married, thus no baggage; my life had been interesting but too unsettled the past years so I never came around having a family of my own. However, this may or may not change as I now decided to stay put where I am. I am a normal looking dude, in good health and shape (hitting the gym twice a week). Meanwhile I do speak a bit of Spanish.
About her (Maria):
32 years of age, and pretty much the usual 'Dominican tale' - poor background, 4 years of school, father died long ago, 5 siblings, does not seem to have children of her own (that what she says. I know this may or may not be true, but let her give the benefit of doubt for the time being). No tattoos, does not drink (more on this below), does not smoke, does not wear all kinds of blingbling/gold except what any other woman does, Dominican or not, such as ear rings and a necklace. She looks pretty, yes, but does not stand out being that 'ravishingly good looking young chick'. To support her family at home, since about 3 years, she works in Switzerland in what is called here 'cabaret', i.e. a topless bar, essentially as a stripper (bad news, I know). She does not speak English and all her family live in Santiago.
Visa in Switzerland:
Citizen not holding a passport of a European Union country may work temporarily in Switzerland with certain types of visas. For DR girls the easiest to obtain is an L-type visa which allows them to work legally 3 months in one go in any given 6 months period. The type of work is also restricted to basically what swiss women would rather not do such as stripper (or 'dancer' as the like to see it themselves and as per what is stated in the contract).
The story:
The way we met does not bode well of course because we 'met' in a cabaret, beginning this year. Over time, after having met her many times and spending time with her including those days where she was 'off duty', we got closer. I support her financially. Needless to say, it all goes back home to her mum. Sure, it goes the Dominican way: her earnings here for her family + what I contribute. However, I do say 'no' and also keep telling her to plan her finances and that I will not (and have not) give her all she wants.
Around Easter this year I flew the first time to the DR, Santiago, and met her family. By the time that happened they moved to a nice house for rent (that I paid, some 300 francs per month, so, not much) which they did for me essentially. I was there 10 days because I just first wanted to get a glimpse of what they would be like; basically to just say 'hello'. They showed me around, we also went to the place where they lived before; a poor barrio with the typical simple concrete walled shacks with corrugated metal sheet roofs; certainly not the safest place on earth. They will keep that place and plan to rent it out. And yes, I was happy they moved out from there before I came. I would not have liked to stay there all the time (deliberately I did not want to stay in a hotel so that I can get to know them). While I was there they included me into all their activities and the house was always full because they wanted to meet me all of course. While there of course they wanted me to buy stuff for them. So, I bought a new big fridge (the old one was small and falling apart). Maria also wanted us to go to a resort because none of them ever went to one. I said ok, so a bunch of about 10 people went to a nice beach resort for two nights, all inclusive, which cost me just USD 1200 which was ok I thought and made them very, very happy.
My observations:
Life in the house is mostly hanging around and watching TV, day time is filled with people visiting, talking and household chores. Cleaning the house was shared among the younger women. Cooking is done by mum and also by others, larger cooking procedures seems to be shared by all, including a helping hand by the younger, unmarried brothers. Mum is the boss but does not need to do much to ascertain that position, all respected that (albeit being a terrible dancer, in particular to Latin tunes, I danced with her one evening at the resort as the 'thing I should do' so to speak). She also did most of the cooking, in particular for evening meals. Maria's oldest brother has job and family, the younger two were a bit useless lounging around mostly, occasionally doing stuff around the house, sort of 'handy men'. Saying 'thanks' and 'please' wasn't a concept they were familiar with. Considering their social background this probably isn't surprising. Funny was that they started doing so, albeit a bit reluctant and feeling a bit awkward doing so (macho thing I guess) after a while I was around.
However, THE undisputed sort of 'chief operating officer' of the house was Maria. She told everybody what to do and what not, organised the shopping (me being the 'pay master' of course), looked after the food supplies, made all the arrangements for transport (to the resort for example) determined who and who did not join the trip to the resort and so on. There was once a situation, lacking sufficient Spanish I did not fully understand what went on, were she became angry and harshly told off some members of the family calling them 'parasites'. (I was in the adjacent room and could not see to whom).
Now, this experience changed my perception of her and that she perhaps could be a wife (?????). She also said that she would like to settle and have a family, also considering her age.
The bummer:
Reason for her to come to Switzerland was making money of course to support her mum (family) and buy a house to get out of her 'peligrosso' barrio. At home they don't know what kind of work it is. When I asked her whether her mum knows she quickly responded 'Noooooo way'. Well, after a while of being with her she asked me to buy a house in a good barrio with a large garden fairly central in Santiago. For her mum and for 'ti y yo'. Here we are talking about much more than USD 20k as one poster quoted previously. So, what to do? First I said no, eventually I bought the house for her, in her name only. Crazy you would say (don't worry, it did not ruin me), but please hang on. Reason why, was an (indeed very expensive) test: would she run away, after the house was bought? She did not, not at all. I asked myself what is cheaper: buying a house now and her running away or her putting up a show until the marriage and the house may have happened and then run away. The latter being a lot more costly AND adding the legal hassle of divorce. (You could argue she wants the house AND also permanent residency in Switzerland and then she will run away. However, how far is one to go with mistrust which I expressed to her often enough anyway.)
The fallout - what to do???:
Now, after 10 months of seeing her (she is here now, working to fullfil her contract and then 'no m?s'), I am putting her through a crisis. A crisis is good because it brings out other sides of people. I told her that I do not like her asking me for money all the time. Because of that and all the cultural differences etc. I will end it. I told her she should not fret because the house is her's anyway (testing her).
Ok, this situation is hard to put into words how she reacted when I met her to tell her face to face. Anyway, she did not say much but just nodded quietly, 'knowingly that men are bad in general' and pulling a face; not crying but close to tears. I could easily tell. Genuine feeling? All fake? I am just not sure...
We use one of those instant phone messengers to communicate because she works here in the cabaret, night time, and live in a different town far away. Now she is asking me why all this and that she is 'muy triste' and that she thought we would be together 'siempre' and so on. So, she has not given up on me although I told her NO and keep telling her NO. I also stopped giving her money at all. But, she does not give up. Genuine? All just fake? I do not know for sure.
Again, my apologies for this 'novel' of mine but felt I had to do this because to me the whole situation is a bit of a mixed bag. Should I keep it the NO status and all is over or continue and, eventually, marry her so we can live together here in Switzerland and, so luck holds, live in that house over there once I retire? (Yes, there would be a pre-nuptial and ' separaci?n de bienes' or course and whatever else I can possibly do to make her 'cleaning me out' financially as difficult as possible. I told her that before.)
So, what do you think? What would you advise? But please let me know more than just one-liners 'you should run for the hills'. This isn't helping. Thanks & have a great weekend.
how long have you been together in person? If less than 3 years forget it.
