Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian,
You should have remained a virgin...'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: -
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I
had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now
wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning
and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die
of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy;
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all
four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness.... But it does
bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting
things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..
But everything else starts to wear
out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
You should have remained a virgin...'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: -
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I
had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now
wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning
and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die
of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy;
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all
four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness.... But it does
bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting
things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..
But everything else starts to wear
out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
