Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: from a book called DISORDER IN THE COURTS

  1. #1
    Bronze
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    693
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default from a book called DISORDER IN THE COURTS

    ATTORNEY :WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOUR HUSBAND SAID TO YOU IN THE MORNING
    WITNESS :HE SAID '' WHERE AM I CATHY "
    ATTORNEY: WHY DID THAT UPSET YOU
    WITNESS MY NAME IS SUSAN

    ATTORNEY : WHAT IS YOUR DATE OF BIRTH
    WITNESS : JULY 18TH
    ATTORNEY : WHAT YEAR
    WITNESS: EVERY YEAR

    ATTORNEY :WERE YOU PRESENT WHEN YOUR PICTURE WAS TAKEN
    WITNESS: WOULD YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION

  2. #2
    Moderator - North Coast Forum
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    30,611
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default


    North Coast Moderator

  3. Likes irishpaddy, frank recktenwald liked this post
  4. #3
    Platinum
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    18,738
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid


    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

  5. Likes irishpaddy liked this post
  6. #4
    Platinum
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    10,130
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default

    Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
    A: The caterer.

    Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
    A: Lipstick.

    Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
    A: Your Honor.
    Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
    A: Senator.

    Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
    A: Accountants know they're boring.

    Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
    A: A jury.

    Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
    A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

    Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
    A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

    Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
    A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

    Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
    A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

    Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
    A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
    A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
    A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
    A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

    Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
    A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
    Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
    A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
    Q: How does an attorney sleep?
    A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
    Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
    A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
    Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
    Q: What are lawyers good for?
    A: They make used car salesmen look good.
    Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
    A: They're both extinct.
    Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
    A: Not enough cement.
    Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
    A: Skeet.
    Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
    A: Senator.
    Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
    A: His partners.
    Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
    A: Taller
    Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
    A: A Doberman.
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
    A: The pronunciation.
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
    A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
    Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
    A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
    Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
    A: To practice.
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
    A: The lawyer charges more.
    Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
    A: The tick falls off when you are dead.
    Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
    A: I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
    Q: Know how copper wire was invented?
    A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
    Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
    Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
    A: Stick his bill up his ass.
    Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    A: Their lips are moving.
    Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
    A: New Jersey got to pick first.
    Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
    A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
    Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A: A good start!
    Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
    Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
    A: Professional courtesy.
    Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
    A: Not enough sand.
    Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    A: Cut the rope.
    Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
    A: Take your foot off his head.
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
    A: The bucket.
    Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
    A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

    Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
    A: There was an empty seat.
    Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
    A: An offer you can't understand
    Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
    A: From chasing parked ambulances.
    Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
    A: In the cemetery
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
    A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
    A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
    Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
    A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
    Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
    A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
    Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
    Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
    A: It might be your bicycle.
    Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
    A: The caterer.
    Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
    A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
    Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
    A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
    Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
    A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •