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Thread: Darwin Awards... Hilarious

  1. #1
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    Default Darwin Awards... Hilarious

    Darwin Awards


    Yes, the ones we've all been waiting for: The Darwin Award 2002. The
    candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
    DarwinAward, it's an annual honor given to the person who provided the
    universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most
    extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been very
    keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for
    this event!

    DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES:

    1. In September 2001, in Detroit, a 41-year old man got stuck and drowned
    in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide
    sewer
    grate to retrieve his car keys.

    2. In October, a 49-year old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
    when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100- foot high cliff on his daily
    run.

    3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot deep hole he had dug
    into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones,
    21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting
    in
    a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying
    him beneath five feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks,
    used
    their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
    Woodbridge,
    VA,but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
    almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was
    pronounced dead at a hospital.

    4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he
    fell face first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
    Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
    keep his hands free)rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

    5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, Army ROTC cadet Nick Berrena,
    20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who
    was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena
    was wearing.

    6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del,
    as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
    with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. He did and it did.

    7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta,
    27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in
    the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

    DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS:

    1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
    with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock
    near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his
    skull.

    2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
    cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
    torch and caused a fire that destroyed the first and second floors of his
    house.

    3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his
    wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter stick of dynamite blew up in
    their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite
    and
    tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently
    failed
    to notice the window was closed.

    RUNNER UP:

    TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when
    one of them said they knew a person who had bungee jumped from the Tacoma
    Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated
    and at least ten men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m.
    Upon
    arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
    brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered
    and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the
    cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the
    bridge. His
    fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
    ankle.

    He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued
    by
    two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was
    watching
    out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
    Bingham's foot was never located.

    AND THE WINNER:

    PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed
    his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than
    a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged up pachyderm finally
    let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

    Investigators say ill fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
    ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.
    "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
    Riesfeldt
    to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the
    elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted
    Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he
    lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along,
    and
    during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak
    accidents that happen.

  2. #2
    Miami Nice!
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    Talking Jazzy...

    [FONT=century gothic]Where do YOU come up with stuff like that?

    People always ask me about my jokes...but this one takes the cake!!!
    [/FONT]

  3. #3
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    Default

    This is true, not a joke. That is why I find it hilarious.

    Escott

  4. #4
    aka - shadley
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    Default

    www.darwinawards.com

    its worth a visit at least once a year. They filter through 1000s of stories every year. Hours of good reading there....

    now if only the proxy weenies here at work (marked as a tasteless site) didnt have the site blocked....

  5. #5
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    Default I am amazed how stupid some of these

    individuals are/were. The list of Darwin Award winners 2 years ago was one of the very best.

    And some "good" stories never make the Awards, such as the guy who caught his scrotum in a belt and pulley while seeking self gratification. His scrotum was ripped open so he stapled it shut! Sort of a failed, do-it-yourself quasi vasectomy. Owww!

    He was found out when infection set in; Emergency Room Dr. removed the corroded staples and informed said dumbass that he had also lost a testicle in the process.

    Though death did not result, this guy fits the Darwin Awards criteria since he effectively removed himself from the gene pool; at least for awhile!

    Swede
    Last edited by m65swede; 07-31-2002 at 03:11 AM.

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