Blonde joke for Monday

chicker

New member
Jan 1, 2002
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A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage
without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the
state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your
car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an
elephant. "Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just
fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this
happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I
was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree
pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there
was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another
tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I
swerved to the left and there was..."Uh, ma'am, 'the officer
said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30
miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."



A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him
in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as
she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the
gun and puts it to her own head. The boyfriend yells, "No,
honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're
next!"


A blonde has been out of work for two years and is desperate for money. She decides on a kidnap & ransom scheme to raise some quick cash. So she goes to the park and hangs around the playground looking for the best-dressed kid. Then, she gets the kid to come over to the bench where she's sitting and she pins a note to him. The note says "To the mother of this little boy. I'll need fifty thousand dollars ransom if you want to see him unharmed again. Put the money in a bag on the park bench next to the playground by tomorrow at five o' clock." She signs the note "A desperate blonde." Then she sends the kid back onto the playground.
Next day, about five o'clock, the blonde returns and, sure enough, there's a bag with $50,000 on the bench with a note pinned to it. The note says "Here's the money you demanded. Now, I've got just three things to say to you. One, I hope that you did nothing to upset my little boy. Two, I hope this money will keep you from doing this again to another innocent child. And three, I can't believe a blonde would do this to another blonde."
 
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El Jefe

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Jan 1, 2002
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Monday groaner

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then
speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He said he hadn't. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's
really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well,
is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes" he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore."
 

El Jefe

Bronze
Jan 1, 2002
534
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And Some More

Those of y'all old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game
(before Whoopi (Goldberg)) will appreciate these.

They are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. These are from the old Hollywood Squares shows in the 70's.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false... a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter... and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
 

Musicqueen

Miami Nice!
Jan 31, 2002
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El Jefe...you're still the boss!!!!
Thanks for a good Monday laugh!!!

stlouismike...thanks to you, also...they remind me of a girlfriend...I swear, some of those jokes were created in her honor!!!
 
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Art Covey

New member
Jan 2, 2002
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El Jefe wins

Hate to admit "I remember" BUT great Hollywood Squares Game memories, MUCH enjoyed.
Thanks
Art