The last one is my favorite.
1- Andy Rooney on Vegetarians
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy
hunter'"
2 - Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year
to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks
apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in
Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours
a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if
they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.
3- Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me,
sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and
walking away. Fabric Softeners are how
our wives mark their territory. We can take
off the ring, but it's hard to get
that April-fresh scent out of your clothes.
4- Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning.
We men wake up aroused in the morning.
We can't help it. We just wake up and we
want you. And the women are thinking,
'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood
anywhere near our optic nerve.
5- Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in
and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's
always like 18% that say "I don't know."
It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting
"I don't know."
Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Say Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're
not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
6- Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'.
'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not
making fun of it.
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
7- Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen.'
You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.
8- Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages
on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.
The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....
Speaking of being positive, your test results are back.
Stop sharing the love."
9-Andy Rooney on Research
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease
research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a
large number of people wandering around with huge breasts
and erections...who can't remember what to do with them.
1- Andy Rooney on Vegetarians
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy
hunter'"
2 - Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year
to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks
apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in
Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours
a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if
they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.
3- Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me,
sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and
walking away. Fabric Softeners are how
our wives mark their territory. We can take
off the ring, but it's hard to get
that April-fresh scent out of your clothes.
4- Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning.
We men wake up aroused in the morning.
We can't help it. We just wake up and we
want you. And the women are thinking,
'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood
anywhere near our optic nerve.
5- Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in
and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's
always like 18% that say "I don't know."
It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting
"I don't know."
Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Say Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're
not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
6- Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'.
'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not
making fun of it.
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
7- Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen.'
You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.
8- Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages
on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.
The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....
Speaking of being positive, your test results are back.
Stop sharing the love."
9-Andy Rooney on Research
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease
research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a
large number of people wandering around with huge breasts
and erections...who can't remember what to do with them.