Monday funnies

Hillbilly

Moderator
Jan 1, 2002
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514
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It's A Bad Day, When...

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for
money.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting
in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the
candles.

You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.

You turn on the evening news and they are showing
emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible
to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under
your arms instead of deodorant.

You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is
putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the
morning.

You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the
party last night ....and there aren't any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...
and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are
three months overdue.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company
office party.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

You call your answering service and they tell you
it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your
ex-wife/ex-husband.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume
and she isn't wearing any.

You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like
to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a
sandwich on the front porch.

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten
minutes...and no one has touched it.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel
and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a
"Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.

You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how
to save money...from the electric company.

Airline food starts to taste good.

Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to
chocolate chip cookies.

You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your
MASTERCARD.

You realize that you have memorized the back of
your cereal box.

You take longer to get over sex than you did to
have it.

Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her
and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom
wall of the bar is yours.

Your kids start treating you the same way you
treated your parents.

Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua,
tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of
rest in a warm, dry climate...and you live in Arizona.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear
Blimp is gaining on you.

The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

People think you are 40...and you really are.

You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the
manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.

Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific."
And you remember that you were home by yourself.

Everyone is laughing but you.



Losing Interest

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is
losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental
and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that
night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she's back at the doctor.

She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like
you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food
and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages
me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realise the pill was that
strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah...", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that
Restaurant anyway."


Have a smile!

HB :)