1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own
pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my
blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed
with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it... so I said
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same
effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them
get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life..... Yet it has
absolutely no trade-in value.
12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...
now THAT'S a message!
14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling
alley.
16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
17. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!
18. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I have stayed alive.
19. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on the highway?
20. How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and
50 for Miss America?
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
naked?
23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words:
"Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been!"
25. The differences between snowmen and snowwomen are snowballs.
pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my
blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed
with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it... so I said
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same
effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them
get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life..... Yet it has
absolutely no trade-in value.
12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...
now THAT'S a message!
14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling
alley.
16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
17. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!
18. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I have stayed alive.
19. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on the highway?
20. How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and
50 for Miss America?
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
naked?
23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words:
"Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been!"
25. The differences between snowmen and snowwomen are snowballs.