1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming, like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
from children" --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart
5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end
of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
6) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach
you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan
O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my word, I could be eating a slow
learner." --Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in NewYork
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead." --Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul
Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What
is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same." --Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress
... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
18) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
sleep. Not screaming, like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
from children" --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart
5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end
of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
6) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach
you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan
O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my word, I could be eating a slow
learner." --Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in NewYork
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead." --Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul
Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What
is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same." --Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress
... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
18) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
