What to do?

Negro Lindo · May 21, 2003

Okay what do you guys think. I figure since we have a variety of age groups, backgrounds, and everything here I can get a lot of different opinions.

My friend is 21 and her husband is 25. They have been married maybe almost 2 years. They have an 11 month old son. She called me last night frustrated because she says he doesn't want to have sex as much as she does. After the baby they didn't have sex until the baby was 9 mos. old. and haven't had it again since then. She is contemplating cheating.
I told her that it might get her off but it won't solve anything and she might feel guilty afterwards or just have more problems to deal with.
I asked her if it made her feel unattractive and she said yes.
Do any of you married guys know why he might be acting like this. I mean I know people have different sex drives but this is kinda crazy to me. I would figure she would be wanting it less than him instead of the other way around.........
Whaddayathink?

AnnaC · May 21, 2003

I guess the first question is, how was his sex drive before the baby?
How long did they know each other before they got married? The answers have to come from him because we don't know what is going on in his head. Does he not find her as attractive ? Did she put on a little weight? Little weight or not that is a heck of a long time to go without sex when you're that age.

ERICKXSON · May 21, 2003

From personal experience is either he is not attracted to her anymore or in those 9 months they didn't have sex he was playing around in the ballpark.

I HAVE MY SHOTGUN
(Memorial Day Weekend in Miami is a mess)

Negro Lindo · May 21, 2003

I don't think it's a weight thing. Looking at them, he is more out of shape than her. she has always been small, and now she's only about like 120 lbs.
I'm not really sure what it was like before the baby.
Unless he is extremely picky, he should still be attracted to her.
Maybe the baby just scared the hell out of him and he's afraid to have another.
He's a kind of immature one, love video games and stuff. I like to play video games too but I think I would choose my wife over play station any day.....
They have been together for about 3 or four years.
Anything is possible but I doubt he was messing around for the 9 months.
And even if he was..... why stop having sex with the wife?

AnnaC · May 21, 2003

Ok I'm going to go way out on a limb here and say this.

1. He has a low sex drive. ( but damn 9 months? )
2. She's telling you this story because she wants a night with you. ( sorry just a thought)

Have you had this conversation with him? Like kid around with him and ask. " so how's life after a baby?"

maryanne · May 21, 2003

Anna Coniglio said:
Ok I'm going to go way out on a limb here and say this.

1. He has a low sex drive. ( but damn 9 months? )
2. She's telling you this story because she wants a night with you. ( sorry just a thought)

Have you had this conversation with him? Like kid around with him and ask. " so how's life after a baby?"

I agree with Anna, especially with point number 2. Also, Is she looking for reassurance from you, that if she cheats on her husband, it's ok? Remind her, that she should be discussing her concerns with her husband, the only person who can resolve this. Not an easy topic, but if they can't talk about amongst themselves, then it's a lost cause. As more time passes, the problem will only get worse.

Negro Lindo · May 21, 2003

Point number 2 is definately out of the question. There could never be that type of attractions between us, we are like family.
I think she sees me as more of a big brother.

Low sex drive, but I think he goes to strip clubs and stuff.
I told her to do a strip tease for him, she said it didn't work.
Maybe he just wants something new.....
I told her to plan a weekend for just the two of them, talking and spending time doing things they like to do.
I haven't talked to him. I'm not as close to him as I am to her, I've known her all her life, I just met him.
I made sure to tell her to talk to him about it because she can't fault him if he doesn't know.
She said they talked. But talking isn't good if everyone isn't honest and open. So I told her to be sure to discuss it as two adults, and eventhough some of the things talked about may hurt, to realize that it's for the relationship to get better and the things being said aren't said to intentionally hurt anyone.

ERICKXSON · May 21, 2003

Negro, there it goes he frequent strip bars that's maybe a reason to consider cheating.

Criss Colon · May 21, 2003

Tell her to try this!

They each write down 10 different sexual acts that they would like to do,or have done, with their partner.Cut each one into a separate piece of paper.Fold them and put the into a jar for each of them.They each pick a piece of paper from the others jar.Then they do what is on the piece of paper.If he doesn't respond,have her call me,I'll make a "House Call"!!!and I'll bring the "Vasaline"!Cris Colon

:lick: :lick:

:smoke:

Forbeca · May 21, 2003

My opinion...

I think they should seek professional help.

She said they talked. But talking isn't good if everyone isn't honest and open. So I told her to be sure to discuss it as two adults, and eventhough some of the things talked about may hurt, to realize that it's for the relationship to get better and the things being said aren't said to intentionally hurt anyone. [/B][/QUOTE]

This obviously didn't work, they need someone who is trained and can monitor the conversation/dispute to their advantage.

It's sad, isn't it, that after having a baby things have gone so wrong. They should be enjoying their baby and their family life.

Negro Lindo · May 21, 2003

Yeah, and the thing is I told her to wait a little while to get married, because she has just gotten out of the house and then joined the military and all. I told her that now that the baby was here isn't the time to give up so easily, but if she's not happy to follow her heart and not her mind.
The grass is always greener on the other side but if you water your own grass it will be green too.......

AZB · May 21, 2003

I think the guy hates condoms but after having a baby, he simply thinks its not worth all the trouble for the 15mins of fun with a woman whom he no longer fancy's. Some guys simply get turned off from a woman when she is pregnant and swells up to look like a blimp. When she lactate, she resembles more of a mother than a lovely girl that he used to know. Since you said he loves video games and still acts like a boy, I am sure its all psychological. He has been traumatized with the baby. The fact is that many young guys simply marry girls for sex and for companionship, not to make babies. It seems that she has becoming too demanding in her desires to have sex, I think the guy is even more afraid now than ever.

lalla · May 21, 2003

I tend to notice that women after having a baby, or even DURING pregnancy tend to "let go".......its like they are having the mans child so no need to impress him anymoer.....wrong

listen, maybe u can suggest to her, to be the girl he fell in love with, to remind him, to always make herself up, NO MATTER how much your man tells u he loves u natural and doesnt care, nothing will turn that man on more then for him to come home from work and find you all spruced up and looking like a damn sex godess, always look GOOD for y our man, even if hes already yours, who cares, more the reason to KEEP him interested like "DIABLO QUE MUJERON, POR ESO ME CASE CON ELLA"......show him u still got it and can still make his SH*T stand at full attention at the site of you walking into the room!!!

She just needs to RECONQUISTAR a su hombre.....

arenas809 · May 28, 2003

I agree lalla, yet disagree. Let's not act like only women let go...guys do the same thing. Once they 'have' the girl, they get comfortable and stop doing the things that made her fall in love with him in the first place. Bottom line is if you really love someone, it shouldn't matter. I find it ridiculous a guy stops loving a woman after a pregnancy. Does he need to be reminded she just had HIS baby? You should love her even more, if you don't, then you never did to begin with.

And I disagree with the "talk" advice. I think talking is overrated, sometimes talking just complicates things. What about NOT talking about it for a minute, gathering your thoughts, and then dealing with the subject. I'm not saying put it off, but sometimes a break from something allows you to reflect upon the subject and clears your head so you actually can deal with it.

johnsr · May 28, 2003

Just a thought, Has he ever, or does he now have a problem with alcohol? Excessive intake of alcohol on a regular or even sporadic basis will put "Water on the Fire".
John

anitabonita · May 29, 2003

plain and simple

men are not that complicated...

any grown man that turns down sex with his beautiful wife is either:

a) impotent (maybe there is something physically wrong with him but he's too embarrassed to discuss it)

OR

b) cheating (and is not good at hiding it.)

take it from me. i learned this lesson the hard way from my ex-boyfriend.

anita

Negro Lindo · May 29, 2003

I don't think there is a drinking problem.....

Hell, maybe he's really gay.

I disagree with the talking is over rated comment, to a degree, don't just start babbling and not have your point together but there has to be communication in a relationship and especially on an important subject that is bothering you. If it's something minor, talking about it may cause more of a headache and you can probably let it go.. Not saying you are wrong, that's just what I think.

Tony C · May 29, 2003

Re: plain and simple

anitabonita said:
men are not that complicated...

any grown man that turns down sex with his beautiful wife is either:

a) impotent (maybe there is something physically wrong with him but he's too embarrassed to discuss it)

OR

b) cheating (and is not good at hiding it.)

take it from me. i learned this lesson the hard way from my ex-boyfriend.

anita

You forgot the obvious reason!

He is bored. maybe she is terrible in bed. Maybe she has gotten predictable. Maybe she just lays there and hardly moves. Maybe, just maybe it is her fault!!!!!

Negro Lindo · May 30, 2003

If someone becomes predictable and boring then the person who feels they are predictable and boring should be smart enough to spice the whole ordeal up a little bit, ask for what you want, try new things. I doubt she would be closed minded to such ideas because she is the one asking for sex which shows that she is willing and able.......If yo

Timex · May 30, 2003

1 Question?????????

Did he go into the delivery room, and watch his wife give birth???

Some of the guy's I know who did, expressed shock over the part, when the Doc, whips out the scalpel and make's the front to back cut.

:speechles :speechles :surprised :surprised

I had a friend tell me, 2 days after watching his son born...........

Jesus Christ, Tim- it was this friggin big!!!!!!!!!

Click to expand...

While indicating he was holding an imaginary Bowling Ball!!!

I'll never be able to look at her the same again

Click to expand...

1 year later, they were in therapy, for the same problem as your friend. And it was because of his mindset, that he would never be able to satisfy his wife after that, he also would not dine in that restaurant any more!!!!

After a while things went back to normal between them, and they are very happy today.

But this has been said to me, by more than a few guys, who were brave enough to watch the Blessed Event!!!!:laugh: :laugh:

Tim H.

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