Lawyer Joke

K

Ken

Platinum
Jan 1, 2002
13,884
495
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief... "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh my God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
 
X

XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
2,493
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You shouldn't have got me started on lawyers!

Just some quick hits:

Q. Why does New York have all the lawyersand New Jersey all the toxic waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got first choice.

Q. How can you tell a dead lawyer in the road from a dead cat in the road?
A. The dead cat has skid marks around it.

Q. What do you call parachuting lawyers?
A. Skeet.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How much money have you got?

Q. Why don?t lawyers go to the beach?
A. Cats keep trying to bury them.

Q. What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What?s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q. How do you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. Why does the bar association prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q. What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A. The caterer.

Q. How do you break a lawyer's neck?
A. Slam the toilet seat on his head.

Q. What?s black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. Both have a 1 in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What do lawyers and nuclear weapons have in common?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to have one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw everything up forever.

Q. What word describes a lawyer who doesn?t chase ambulances?
A. Retired.

Q. What?s the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A. Accountants know they?re boring.

:: smile ::
 
G

goatfarmnga

Bronze
Jun 24, 2003
548
0
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Lawyers rule..THE CLOWN BIN!

I need to forward these to my divorce lawyer that my ex husband became friends with after our divorce....he eats in what was my restaurant...sorry SOB!!! These are actually jokes I can remember to tell someone! Still laughing...thanks!
 
J

JanH

New member
Dec 26, 2002
497
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A proven medical fact, most clergymen are conceived using the missionary position and most veterinarians are conceived using the doggie position. With this knowledge, it is reasonable to deduce what comes from anal sex. Lawyers

Doug
 
X

XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
2,493
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For You Canadian Lawyer Haters

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half.

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".
 
X

XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both veer over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither occupant is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident.

Both the drivers get out of their car. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone and goes over to talk to the doctor.

It's cold and damp, and both men are quite shaken up at the accident. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask.

"Why, thankyou," the doctor accepts. He takes a few drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away. "Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor asks.

"Yes. After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
 
X

XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
2,493
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Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
A: Pollution.

Q: What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
A: Solution.

Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It's called, Sosumi.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Wings.
 
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