Southern (US) Humor

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XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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I've got three or four of these ... and one one cute one I will post second. We'll see if Mr. CC deletes it. If so, no offense intended or taken CC, do what you gotta do! I thought it was cute and too funny to pass on. Especially with all the fighting chickens they've got for sport down here - Alba's a fan.

SCHOOLIN'

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that
they weren't going anywhere in life and thought
they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes into the advisor's office first, and
the professor advises him to take math, history,
and logic.

"What's logic," asked Bubba?

The professor answered, "Let me give you an
example. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you
have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me
that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "GAWL LEEE!"

"And since you own a house and a house is tough
to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you
have a wife."

"Sally Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can
assume that you are heterosexual rather than
homosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most
fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to
take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him,
walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're queer, ain't cha?
 
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XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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The Priest and His Rooster

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the 10 chickens and 1 handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing. At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed he decided to say something during Sunday Mass. He asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, No", he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"

All the women stood up.

"Oh no!" he said. "That's not what I mean, either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"

Half the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question, "Has anybody seen my cock?"

All the choirboys stood up.
 
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XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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Of Farm Pond and Wisdom

Of Farm Pond and Wisdom

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!". The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
 
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XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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Alabama Professional Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A.66 Ford Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house south of Chapel Hill and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer?
 
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goatfarmnga

Bronze
Jun 24, 2003
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southern jokes...:)

I need to have these printed in my local paper..South Ga is Just full of people who resemble these jokes..:):) :) :) :) My neighbors named Bubba and Benji for one....
 
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XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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Bubba and Benji? Eeeeesh!

Just don't tell them who sent them to you or where I live. I have made enough enemies with my posts today already, Pam!
 
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XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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The Top FORTY Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southern Boy Say:

40. Oh I just couldn?t, she?s only sixteen.
39. I?ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won?t fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family
sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I?ll have a Heineken.
35. We don?t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can?t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it?s just not safe.
30. Wrestling?s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We?re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I?ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don?t need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn?t find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I?ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I?ve got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany?s.
11. I?ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She?s too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here?s an episode of ?Hee Haw? that we haven?t seen.
5. I don?t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And,
1. Nope, no more for me. I?m drivin? tonight.
 
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XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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How to Become a True Southern Eccentric

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom; do not disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want that super-sized.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.

6. In the memo of all your checks, write "for sexual favours."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Do not use punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what gender they are.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems do not rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you cannot attend their party because you are not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won, I won! That's the third time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of your go."
 
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XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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A Few Additions

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

Q. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.
 
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XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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Nope! I wouldn't s**t yew!

Actually I have been trying to get up enough nerve to try the little eccentric ones. To me that would be funny! Except everybody already thinks I am like that so nobody'd probably notice, in accordance with prophecy.

LOL.
 
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goatfarmnga

Bronze
Jun 24, 2003
548
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xanadu...:)

You are really my neighbor whos goes by BUBBA Ain't ya?? I'd swear I gotta see your ID sir cause you sure sound liken you's Bubba...Naw you must be his brother who's been locked up awhile??? I LOVE THOSE JOKES..If you lived here where I have been for 2+ years you would see the resemblence..Hey true story..I was teaching Mexicans english last summer at my farm..Yep I am that bored! I went to the next town to pick them up in my van. I was broad sided by a 400+ pound Boar hog that belonged to a local man..It frequently escapes the police later tell me... Anyway it totalled my van on the passenger side and the owner came over to say "You killed him and I ain't got no money to pay for your van" I knew that when he opened his mouth...I went home in shock..so a month later he brought me two piglets (1 male and 1 female) to pay me for $5500 damage to my van...:) I was shocked and took the piglets to be kind to the old man..Those piglets cost me more than $5500 in damage, they let 56 goats out to run loose in the neighbors field of cotton, put holes in the fences, my front porch, my flower beds, Chicken coop etc..I finally had them slaughtered I will always remember "Lulu and CLark" Let it be said..Never take a piglet as payment...
 
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Jersey Devil

Bronze
Jul 5, 2002
686
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Southern Humor

Allthough this happened in Virginia you just reminded me of it.
On the Nationally Syndicated Radio Program, "The Don & Mike Show" they ran a contest. It was to get the name "Mike Litoris"
announced over the intercom at a store. After a few tries, while
Don & Mike and their listeners heard it all, the Walmart employee
just handed the Mic over to the caller who proceeded to ask
Dick Hurts and Mike Litoris to come to the courtesy counter.
It was a funny bit of radio.

JD
 
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mobrouser

Bronze
Jan 1, 2002
2,345
101
63
Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the
sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how
good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste
of finger foods.


DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter
is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.


THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun
is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
 
Hillbilly

Hillbilly

Moderator
Jan 1, 2002
18,948
514
113
Great Thread

I have seen many of these on other sites, but this was excellent.

Did you know that here in the DR, that joke about "Logic" has been circulating for over 30 years?? The Dominican version has to do with fish tanks, but the punch line is the same..

HB
 
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XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
2,493
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Stay With Me ...

Nine ways to say "I Love You"

English........... I Love You
Spanish.......... Te Amo
French........... Je T'aime
German.......... lch Liebe Dich
Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian............. Ti Amo
Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig
Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Virginia, Mississippt,Kentucky and Texas ...... Nice Tits
 
G

goatfarmnga

Bronze
Jun 24, 2003
548
0
0
Re: Stay With Me ...

XanaduRanch said:
Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Virginia, Mississippt,Kentucky and Texas ...... Nice Tits
Click to expand...
Heard that before...:) Just did not know everyone KNEW they talk like that...:)
 
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XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
2,493
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Little Johnny

A teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to See Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate".

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
 
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