Adult Boyfriends Living with Parents- What to Expect

Birdie · Jul 25, 2003

Oh good! A forum for some real advice! I need it. I have just returned to the DR to be with my boyfriend. He's 42 and still lives with his mother, and has for 10 years. I know and understand that it's more common here for grown children to live with their parents, but he has been living here sooo long!

When I lived here before, I lived with his family, and it was good for a while because I like them so much, and I enjoyed the intergenerational experience. But I am ready to have my own space with him, and living with all these people (now we've added 2 neices and also for the summer his son (which is a huge plus, but nevertheless adds to the numbers inteh house)

n (He's 42, I'm 35) after a long-distance stint of several years. I'm American, he's Dominican, but we met there, where he used to come every summer. When I lived here the first time

Larry · Jul 25, 2003

What???

What the hell is your question? What to expect? Expect to live with your 42 year old "mommy's boy" boyfriend and his whole familia. Have fun supporting them.
Larry

Birdie · Jul 25, 2003

OOps I hit the wrong button! REVISED posting here.

OOPS, I accidentally sent my first post before I was finished writing. here's the real post:

Oh good! A forum for some real advice! I need it. I have just returned to the DR to be with my boyfriend. He's 42 and still lives with his mother, and has for 10 years. I know and understand that it's more common here for grown children to live with their parents, but he has been living here sooo long!

When I lived here before, I lived with his family, and it was good for a while because I like them so much, and I enjoyed the intergenerational experience. But I am ready to have my own space with him, and living with all these people is tough for a 34 year old who lived alone before. (now we've added 2 neices and also for the summer his son (which is a huge plus, but nevertheless adds to the numbers inteh house)

He told me we would get an apartment when/if I returned, but now he's back-pedaling, and wanting me to pay the rent, since he says he's fine living at home. He'll move with me, but he doesn't want to add to his expenses. We talked, and he now understands the unfairness of that, and he is usually a super guy, but this living with mom thing is confusing to me. I know it saves money, but boy, living in your own place certainly is great!

I don't want to tax our cultural differences too much. What can I expect? IS he hanging on to Mama too long, or is this so completely normal for a 42 year old here that I may seem pushy?

Any thoughts?

Thanks for the advice!

AnnaC · Jul 25, 2003

Can you clarify where "here" and "there" is?

Thanks and welcome to DR1

Edited to add;
never mind I read your second post. Clear now where you are.

Larry · Jul 25, 2003

ok

I read your "revised" post. He will stay with mommy while you pay for your apartment (so he can continue saving of course) but he will just happen to sleep over "your" place 5 or 6 nights per week, leave his clothes and toothbrush there, eat the food that you put in your fridge and mooch off of you while you pay for everything. Sounds pretty obvious to me.
Larry

AZB · Jul 25, 2003

Aren't there any losers left in your own home town that girls have to come running here looking for an chopo loser? What did you expect? A man you know for so many years, lives with his mom and doesn't want to pay for his own place. He sounds like a loser when he insisted you to pay for the rent. What more signals or red arrows you need to know this relationship will be full of bumps and eventually will fall apart?

When will I read about an american girl who is dating a dominican plastic surgeon or a famous lawyer, a successful business man or the general manager of a bank? Will I live long enough to see that in this lifetime? I used to make fun that dominican girls had bad taste in men but these girls make american girls looks like total losers when I hear stories of sankies etc.

Birdie · Jul 25, 2003

Situational details

Hi, Anna, and thanks. "Here" is Santo Domingo and "there" was the United States... We lived togther there for 3 summers and during that time we lived together here (with his parents) for a year and a half. I should clarify to Jeff, that I am in no way supporting his family (just myself). My boyfriend also successfully supports himself and his son (He's educated and has a great job, but it's in the arts so it's true we're on a a budget), so it is not an issue of me supporting the family or not. It is only an issue of his wanting to stay in his mother's house out of convenience and low stress, and me wanting to have a place of our own, so that we can feel less confined, not tip-toe around sleepers, plant flowers, have have freinds over, listen to music, etc, etc, which we can't now. My boyfriend and I are sharing one small room, and today I noticed I was pacing like a cat at the zoo. That's when I thougth to ask you folks.

I try to be culturally understanding, and I also see his logic. Still, at age 42, I don't know if it's culture-- or a man attached to his mother that I'm dealing with here, which is where I hope DR1 readers might provide some insight.

AnnaC · Jul 25, 2003

Birdie this is only my two cents.

Yes in some cultures the kids do live at home till at least they are married but come on, a 42 year old with a son and a girlfriend should have their own place. If he is serious about making a life with you that is.

You can be attached to your mother without living with her.
Time to cut that cord.

Like I said, only my two cents

Larry · Jul 25, 2003

Re: Situational details

Birdie said:
He's educated and has a great job, but it's in the arts so it's true we're on a a budget

Fingerpainting so his mommy can hang it on the frigde is not a job Birdie.

Larry

Negro Lindo · Jul 25, 2003

He has been with her so long that he may feel like he's abandoning her if he leaves. She is probably the only other woman besides you who's opinion really matters to him.
And she isn't getting any younger so that adds the the feeling of she needs him there. Needs him there for what? Who knows for security? company? who knows? What happened to his dad?

His mom might resent you if you take him away from her.....you know what I mean? It seems rude for him to say if you want an apartment you pay for it but it is "your" idea. You came to the DR and now you are asking him to change his whole setting because you are uncomfortable, he's not the one who has a problem so why should he have to pay? How long have you been in the house with them since you arrived?
Maybe you could go ahead and get the apartment and pay for it initially and slowly try to work him into helping you out on it, or tell him you need money for this and that to help out from time to time. There is more that one way to skin a cat.

Ken · Jul 25, 2003

Birdie, I think you should reevaluate your situation.

Of course you want your own apartment; I would, too, if I were you. I think it would be a mistake for you to move into the house of his family. You have raised the issue, your boyfriend is willing to move into an apartment, so what are you waiting for. True, you will aparently have to start out paying the rent, but I tend to think that if the relationship and relocation work out as well as you hope, that he will eventually start considering it "our" apartment and agree the move was a good idea.

From what you are saying, it doesn't appear that you are going to get 100% right now of what you are after. But as you have gotten him to agree to move with you, it seems to me as though you have at least 80%.

Start looking for an apartment together. Then fix it up together to make it a home for the two of you. The rest will come.

Keep nagging him about paying his share of the rent and you are likely to end up with nothing but that small room with your boyfriend or back in the US without him.

Dominican Babe · Jul 25, 2003

I know and understand that it's more common here for grown children to live with their parents

Grown children??? Don't make me laugh. The guy is 42. In my book, that definitely makes him an adult, NOT a grown up kid.

He said he would get an apartment with you if you returned. Well, you returned, didn't you? So you have to ask yourself why is he back pedalling on that? Because it's going to cost him money? That sounds like the only reason going by what you've said.

Sorry Birdie, but I have to say I'm with Larry on this one (and - believe me - that makes a big change!)

Chirimoya · Jul 25, 2003

AZB said:
When will I read about an american girl who is dating a dominican plastic surgeon or a famous lawyer, a successful business man or the general manager of a bank? Will I live long enough to see that in this lifetime?

They exist. Believe me. Not just Americans but German, Dutch, British, Canadian, and others I have yet to meet.

Chiri

Indie · Jul 25, 2003

Sweetie, it's not the culture so much. Your boyfriend sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too, and he wants to cover his ass while he's at it. He wants to be with you on his terms, while having no responsibility or commitment to your relationship. You're right, it is a matter of convenience. For him.

I strongly sense that this is the way he feels: If you live with him in his house, and god forbid you guys should have a fight and break up, you have to leave while he stays. No questions asked, and his family (Mama) will totally support him in this. But if he moves in with you to your place and the same thing happens, then HE has to leave, and he'll be really upset at having had to pay rent there. He'll see it as a waste of money and a bad investment. He KNOWS he's not ready, and he's also unsure of your future together. So in the meantime, he's getting the milk for free, and he'll continue to do so for as long as you let him.

You're right in wanting to move out of his mother's house. You and your boyfriend need privacy, and your relationship needs room to grow. But what irks me mostly about your guy is the way he treats you--as if he's doing you a favor. Also, I think it's sooooooooo petty and such a low-blow for him to tell you he'll move in with you if you pay the rent. No man who truly loves and cares about his girlfriend would say this, esp. a Dominican man (they tend to be generous providers, in my very personal opinion). He sounds cheap with his money as well as with his feelings towards you. Not good.

I think you should find your own place that would give you the freedom, happiness, and independence you're used to. Then, sleep with your boyfriend at his mother's house every weekend and/or whenever you feel like it. Drop by (without calling) whenever you want, and expect him to be there waiting for you. Always stay for dinner, and don't contribute. Have fun. And if none of this seems fair to you, just remember that it would be the same situation reversed, if your boyfriend got his way. How fair is that?

I think most Dominican men leave the safety and security of their parent's house when they have to move to another city due to employment/college, or when they're ready for a commitment. Doesn't sound like either scenario applies to your boyfriend.

Good luck, sweetie, and please forgive me for being so honest.

-Indie

NotLurking · Jul 25, 2003

Indie excellent post and advice!!! I was going to respond but after reading your post I see no need for adding anything more. You hit the nail on the head both with your assessment and your advice. Well done Indie.

Birdie I wish you the best of luck please keep us posted.

goatfarmnga · Jul 25, 2003

Birdie..Time to fly the coop!

Dear Birdie,
I do not know you but I have experience with Dominican & Other men (Have one now)...This MAN at 42 yrs of age is living OFF his mom not with her..Or he would gladly get an apartment with you his girlfriend..He does not want to spend the money it will take to help pay the bills in "your" apartment. You have done more than your share to accomodate the relationship just by moving to the DR to be with him..He did not do as he said by getting an apartment when you came back..If he is serious with you he will move to the apartment willingly..If not then drop him..there are many more men in the world..He is not serious about you enough to move away from his mother than you need to rethink the relationship unless you want to remain under the roof of mom..I do not blame you, if you love the guy it may not even bother you to remain at "moms" but in the long run he is getting what he wants without a thought to your feelings and that can not be a good situation for you in the long run! I wish you luck..It is hard to make a man move away from a free place if it means he has to work harder to live..that is the way some men are and I am sorry you have that kind!

Pam

Tony C · Jul 26, 2003

Birdie,

I will be Blunt!

42. Lives with his Mama. Has a kid. Won't get his own place. Is in the "Arts"!

What we have here is a lazy, mooching, chopo bum who is having the time of his life with a Gringa piece of ass.

Don't listen to all that "feel good" psycho babble. If he was a real man he would have his own place by now and would be welcoming you into it with open arms.

AZB,
there are many women who go to the DR and hook up with sucessful Educated Dominican men. You just will never see them here asking for advice about their Sankie/Chopo/Loser boyfriend.

goatfarmnga · Jul 26, 2003

psycho babble...

This time I have to say TonyC said it straight..Listen he is a man..He can see it from a man's point of view. I believe he is right about the 42 yr old "Chopo"..Can not wait to see these Chopo men myself..purely for entertainment of course

Pam

Larry · Jul 26, 2003

Re: psycho babble...

goatfarmnga said:
This time I have to say TonyC said it straight..Listen he is a man..He can see it from a man's point of view. I believe he is right about the 42 yr old "Chopo"..Can not wait to see these Chopo men myself..purely for entertainment of course Pam

Pam, you want a chopo for your entertainment? And I thought you didnt cheat?? Hehe

Larry

Criss Colon · Jul 29, 2003

I agree with "Indie".Who wudah thunk it!!!

There is a thread in the General forum about how Dominican men love their mothers.Of course they do,whats not to love! They have a cook,a maid,a bank,a "Hotel",and a "Defender to The Death" ,all rolled into one!They NEVER leave!I was able to "save" my mother and father-in-law,by inviting them to move in with us! Their 3 dead beat sons are still screaming about that! They all then moved into their mothers house,supposedly to "rent" from her and "Papi",they have yet to see a rent payment,but it has only been 2 years!!!!!Dominican men "LOVE" their mothers,because most of them are still "BABIES"! and what makes this even more ludicrous is that their mother really like it that way!!!!!!!!!!!!!....Go Figure????
Cris Colon

Adult Boyfriends Living with Parents- What to Expect

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