▫▫ XR's Dominican Hurricane Tips ▫▫

XR's Dominican Hurricane Tips

For ex-Dominicans, present Dominicans, and future Dominicans.

We're currently at peak of the Atlantic hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points:

1. There is no need to panic.
2. We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in the Dominican Republic. If you're new to the Caribbean, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

• STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
• STEP 2. Put these supplies into your suitcase.
• STEP 3. Fly to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in the Dominican Republic. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items.

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE. If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

1. It is reasonably well-built, and
2. It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in the Dominican Republic, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by El Burro & La Soga Insurance Company of Santiago, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, either El Burro or La Soga are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and if it's a major hurricane, all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

• Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
• Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
• Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
• "Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool. If you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately. Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your Dominican driver's license. If it says anything other than Pico Duarte - you live in a low-lying area. The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely, and can share Presidentes along the route.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Dominican tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last Domino table and bottle of Brugal. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

• 23 flashlights.
• At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
• Bleach. No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!
• A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
• A big knife that you can strap to your leg. This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.
• A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the tarantulas. Ask anybody who went through David. After the hurricane, there WILL be irate tarantulas.
• $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As any hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember - it's great living in paradise!

Tom (aka XR)

XR's Bald Hippo Airlines Replies:

Sanson said:

XR, I`m still laughing!!! It`s very funny! How much is the trip to Nebraska?

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How much you got? Send it, plus ten percent for propinas.

Tom (aka XR)

Rami

Rami said:

I wanted to say that dont pick on Nebraska,ha,ha. I live here and tommorow it is supposed to be ten degress.

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Well I am originally from Iowa (Dubuque) and we Ioweigians always pick on Nebraska. Not as much as on Minnesota and Wisconsin, but still we do.

Here. I posted this just for you!

Tom (aka XR)