This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into
a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it ! when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit I enjoyed watching the skillful
way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, and I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile! Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why he hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other junk too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist
school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it
have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over I will also pray that next year
my wife, (the devil), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it ! when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit I enjoyed watching the skillful
way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, and I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile! Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why he hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other junk too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist
school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it
have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over I will also pray that next year
my wife, (the devil), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a vasectomy.