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Guest
This was originally designed to go with the thread "Proud to Be One" and with tongue in cheek put an end to the thread which began simply as a "thank you" to kind comments by a neighboring country and developed into.....well...something a little different. But the thread is spread all over the board now????
Travel Tips for the Ugly American Borrowed from and with appreciation to: Christopher Buckley The following is a State Department travel advisory:
Q: What precautions should Americans take while traveling overseas?
A: As a general rule, Americans should refrain from appearing "American." This can be accomplished in a variety of ways, by not being 40 pounds overweight, not arguing loudly about football (futbol), not boasting about having made $1.3 billion on an IPO, not wearing obscenely themed T-shirts,not calling waiters "sir," and not referring to the last 100 years as "The American Century."
Q: How can I appear more "foreign"?
A: The French do this by denouncing hamburgers (le hamburger); the Italians by electing a new prime minister every third Tuesday; the Swedes by manufacturing cars with airbags in the ashtrays. Americans may find it easier to speak a foreign language.
Q: Like most Americans, I have studied a foreign language since fourth grade and can still only say, "The pen of my aunt is in the pocket of her third husband, who has four sisters." Will that be sufficient to convince a terrorist that I should not be sprayed with machine gun fire while enjoying my hamburger at a sidewalk cafe (cafe)?
A: It is not necessary to speak a foreign language fluently, or even well. In order to appear foreign, many Americans take up smoking while traveling abroad. Others box their children's ears instead of catering to their every whim, rejoice obstreperously over the recent handover of the Panama Canal, or bring their dogs with them to restaurants and demand that they be seated with them and shown the wine list.
Q: If I am threatened, can I turn to the local US Embassy?
A: It is not a Traveler's Aid Society. The United States maintains embassies overseas in order to promote US interests and to make the local population stand in long lines so that it can be told personally by a consular officer that we do not want them to move here.
Q: What if a foreign person points a gun at me and tells me to get into the trunk of his car?
A: The State Department takes no position on this. In some countries, it is considered impolite to refuse to get into someone's car trunk. If you choose to get in, you may spend the next five years chained to a radiator while enduring lengthy lectures about the evils of the American system. In that event, you may be visited by State Department representatives. They are authorized to make mild protests to your captors and to offer you Tylenol and moist towelettes. They are not authorized to risk derailing the "peace process" by threatening your captors with extinction-level air strikes by B-52 bombers. Rest assured that high-level diplomatic personnel are expressing "concern" over your situation, or even "serious concern." In extreme cases, the department may even express "grave concern," though we prefer not to do this as it makes our senior personnel faint.
Q: In the event a large crowd of angry foreign people appears outside my hotel chanting "Death to America!" then should I try the embassy?
A: By this point, the embassy has probably been reduced to a smoking ruin. Bear in mind that it is increasingly the fashion abroad to express outrage toward the United States by driving truck bombs into the line of locals waiting outside our embassies to obtain visas. (Note: Under no circumstances should you seek assistance at the Chinese embassy, as it may have been targeted for destruction by US cruise missiles.)
Q: What other precautions should I take?
A: Many Americans overseas have taken to chanting or humming anti-American slogans. For a complete list of current lyrics, consult the Department's Website: www.greatsatan.gov. In addition, some Americans now dress in the style of reigning fundamentalist millionaire-with-attitude Osaka bin Laden. A complete bin Laden ensemble including 12 flammable US flags can be ordered from the Travelsmith company catalog.
Travel Tips for the Ugly American Borrowed from and with appreciation to: Christopher Buckley The following is a State Department travel advisory:
Q: What precautions should Americans take while traveling overseas?
A: As a general rule, Americans should refrain from appearing "American." This can be accomplished in a variety of ways, by not being 40 pounds overweight, not arguing loudly about football (futbol), not boasting about having made $1.3 billion on an IPO, not wearing obscenely themed T-shirts,not calling waiters "sir," and not referring to the last 100 years as "The American Century."
Q: How can I appear more "foreign"?
A: The French do this by denouncing hamburgers (le hamburger); the Italians by electing a new prime minister every third Tuesday; the Swedes by manufacturing cars with airbags in the ashtrays. Americans may find it easier to speak a foreign language.
Q: Like most Americans, I have studied a foreign language since fourth grade and can still only say, "The pen of my aunt is in the pocket of her third husband, who has four sisters." Will that be sufficient to convince a terrorist that I should not be sprayed with machine gun fire while enjoying my hamburger at a sidewalk cafe (cafe)?
A: It is not necessary to speak a foreign language fluently, or even well. In order to appear foreign, many Americans take up smoking while traveling abroad. Others box their children's ears instead of catering to their every whim, rejoice obstreperously over the recent handover of the Panama Canal, or bring their dogs with them to restaurants and demand that they be seated with them and shown the wine list.
Q: If I am threatened, can I turn to the local US Embassy?
A: It is not a Traveler's Aid Society. The United States maintains embassies overseas in order to promote US interests and to make the local population stand in long lines so that it can be told personally by a consular officer that we do not want them to move here.
Q: What if a foreign person points a gun at me and tells me to get into the trunk of his car?
A: The State Department takes no position on this. In some countries, it is considered impolite to refuse to get into someone's car trunk. If you choose to get in, you may spend the next five years chained to a radiator while enduring lengthy lectures about the evils of the American system. In that event, you may be visited by State Department representatives. They are authorized to make mild protests to your captors and to offer you Tylenol and moist towelettes. They are not authorized to risk derailing the "peace process" by threatening your captors with extinction-level air strikes by B-52 bombers. Rest assured that high-level diplomatic personnel are expressing "concern" over your situation, or even "serious concern." In extreme cases, the department may even express "grave concern," though we prefer not to do this as it makes our senior personnel faint.
Q: In the event a large crowd of angry foreign people appears outside my hotel chanting "Death to America!" then should I try the embassy?
A: By this point, the embassy has probably been reduced to a smoking ruin. Bear in mind that it is increasingly the fashion abroad to express outrage toward the United States by driving truck bombs into the line of locals waiting outside our embassies to obtain visas. (Note: Under no circumstances should you seek assistance at the Chinese embassy, as it may have been targeted for destruction by US cruise missiles.)
Q: What other precautions should I take?
A: Many Americans overseas have taken to chanting or humming anti-American slogans. For a complete list of current lyrics, consult the Department's Website: www.greatsatan.gov. In addition, some Americans now dress in the style of reigning fundamentalist millionaire-with-attitude Osaka bin Laden. A complete bin Laden ensemble including 12 flammable US flags can be ordered from the Travelsmith company catalog.