Subject: FW: Dear Employee.............................
>
> As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,
> we
> are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
> older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting
> the
> retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program
> to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via
> retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be
> known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
>
> Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
> outside the company.
> SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before
> actual retirement takes
> place. This review phase of the program will be called SCREW. SCREW
> (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly
> Workers).
>
> All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
> upper management.
> This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
> Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
> SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
> company deems appropriate.
>
> If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
> get:
> HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
> (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered
> benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer
> be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
>
> Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that
> the company will continue its policy of training employees through
> our:Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount
> of
> **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any
> company in this area.
> If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your
> immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure
> you receive all the **** you can stand.
>
> And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!
>
> The Management
>
>
>
> As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,
> we
> are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
> older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting
> the
> retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program
> to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via
> retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be
> known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
>
> Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
> outside the company.
> SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before
> actual retirement takes
> place. This review phase of the program will be called SCREW. SCREW
> (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly
> Workers).
>
> All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
> upper management.
> This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
> Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
> SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
> company deems appropriate.
>
> If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
> get:
> HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
> (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered
> benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer
> be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
>
> Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that
> the company will continue its policy of training employees through
> our:Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount
> of
> **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any
> company in this area.
> If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your
> immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure
> you receive all the **** you can stand.
>
> And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!
>
> The Management
>
>