Domestic Violence

Very acceptable and too common!

Men (regardless of his nationality) who hit women are a disgrace to mankind.

If a man is upset with his girlfriend (or wife or whatever), just sit down with her and talk. How difficult is that?

Hitting women?

Potato_Salad said:

Men (regardless of his nationality) who hit women are a disgrace to mankind.

If a man is upset with his girlfriend (or wife or whatever), just sit down with her and talk. How difficult is that?

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If I ever see a man hitting a woman, I will yell and interrupt and stop it from happening, being very vocal too, making sure it stops. If it's man against man, I will do what I did the last time, when it is obvious that a fight has a clear winner, I won't let the winner stomp on the losers head, or repeatedly kick him when he is down. I would yell "The cops are here"!
This sort of stuff is disturbing and should be worked out before the violence kicks in.
Steve out.

When it comes to this we are out of our league. Yes, no one likes to see a woman get hit and it should be denounced world-wide, but when two dominicans are going at it you'd best mind your own business.

I know plenty of dominican girls who are in abusive relationships and as strange as it sounds, some(SOME) feel they cannot respect a man unless he occasionally puts his boot on her neck.

I'm not saying this is right, but it is again one of those cultural things that we can never understand unless we live there.

No tan rapido......

Berzin said:

When it comes to this we are out of our league. Yes, no one likes to see a woman get hit and it should be denounced world-wide, but when two dominicans are going at it you'd best mind your own business.

I know plenty of dominican girls who are in abusive relationships and as strange as it sounds, some(SOME) feel they cannot respect a man unless he occasionally puts his boot on her neck.

I'm not saying this is right, but it is again one of those cultural things that we can never understand unless we live there.

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Berzin, I can only speak for myself but if I am in the DR, the US or the moon, EVERY SINGLE TIME I see a woman being hit, I always think of what would I do if it was my mom getting hit.

It's a no-brainer, I ALWAYS get involved!!.

As a matter of fact, I posted here, many moons ago, that when I was about 14, I saw a friend's father hit his wife (my friend's mom) and my friend just stood "there", like a statue and all I did was think what would I do if an axxhole was hitting my mom (RIP).

Pretty simple:

I grabbed a broom, went to the room they were, saw him on top of her, hitting her with his back towards me, and I went BOOOOM!!!. Right on his head!!.

Let me tell you, the broomstick broke, the axxhole didn't bleed BUT I did see his head get an instant bump as he fell, face down.

He was "Down goes Frazier, down goes Frazier" for a little bit. Long enough for all of us to get the hell out of the room!.

I am NOT a violent person but to this day I am sorry...........

I am sorry that I didn't hit him with a BAT!!!!!!!!!!!.

Breaking from my "when in Rome" mantra, I don't care what society you're in, it's unacceptable.

Period.

It's funny that after 7 years of marriage my wife still threatens me that if I lay a hand on her or cheat on her.... I guess old beliefs die hard.

I honestly don't understand why people in marriages get violent etc, if you are unhappy leave and find somebody else.

Here's a thread on this subject.

http://www.dr1.com/forums/men-mars-women-venus/42601-abuse-dominican-woman.html

As someone who has worked in the field of domestic violence and currently teaches self-defense and personal safety, I strongly advise anyone witnessing any act of violence, including domestic, to pick up the phone and call the police. Getting involved is certainly a choice you can make, but is quite dangerous. In fact, at least in the US, domestic violence is the most deadly of all calls that police officers get (for the police officer).

Boot on her neck- bullshyt. Why people don't leave, etc... Domestic violence is not just restricted to physical violence. There is always power & control that comes into play where the guy threatens to take the kids, hurt her parents, tell something awful about her at work -- which then may make her lose her job, if he allowed her to have one, or she may quit out of fear -- and she probably got rid of all of her friends b/c he got angry whenever she hung out w/them, so now she doesn't have a support network to go to when she leaves him... Oh, and don't forget about the threats he's making about the kids, and that she has no $$ to support herself b/c he's made sure he's the center of her world so she would feel like she couldn't do it on her own... And then the apologies and flowers start coming...

Do you really want to and feel qualified to get involved w/that whole dynamic? Get them help, but be careful to get too involved.

And the cultural piece and why some men are violent? That's huge. Books and theses written on the subject. In short, people tend to repeat what they've seen if there isn't a positive intervention. Think about all the messages you received about how to be a man. In your house, did people model respect and good, clear communication? In the media, were you shown that women were people to be treated well and w/respect, or bodies to be enjoyed and used? Were you taught as some men here were, that your strength was for helping and not hurting? All these messages are very important, and I am definitely not about to prove how much better I am than others by not being in a violent relationship either as the abuser or the abused. But I will help as many people as I can either avoid entering a violent relationship by providing them w/good education about options in how to communicate and what they can & should expect in a relationship, and help as many people who want a change out as possible.

And, yes, I just scanned the thread that Anna just posted (thanks), when we change the way we address violence against women, we're changing the whole culture in regards to gender. Both Anglo western culture and latin & caribbean cultures condone violence against women. If it didn't, it wouldn't be the huge issue that it is. But don't mistake that b/c the Western world has so many women in suits means that we don't mistreat our women. The US has some of the worst rates of violence against women in the '1st world'. Don't let the culture issue paralyze you from making change. That's just a smokescreen.

Btw, I can't recommend enough the book, The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women & How All Men Can Help by Jackson Katz if you want to look into this issue more.

Jose_fr said:

I am wondering how common it is for men in the DR to hit their women. I recently witnessed this outside the casino and it seemed to be quite acceptable!

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Low class people do it frequently, and the others who made it seem acceptable, were also low class.
Birds of a kind flock together.
It may be worth mentioning that low class chicas sometimes think their man doesn't love them unless he hits her once in a while.

For those who wish to get involved, be smart, as you are doing it at your own peril and you may have to deal with all the Dominicans around, not just the "hitter"
(Birds of a kind flock together)
I'm of the same mind set as Miguel, but he has an advantage, as he can come off as a Dominican interfering.
It would be perceived quite differently by bystanders if a gringo gets involved, specially if the "hitter" has all his friends around.

Roo's advice is good, except that the police are useless as tits on a bull in this country, and the chica could be dead before they get there, so once more, be wise. Make sure you're ready for the dangers ahead.

dometic violence is wrong, plain wrong. i remember intervening in a fight in boca chica once and i literally grabbed the girl and was wisked away on a motoconcho. my moto friend said if they catch you they will try to kill you for interfering. the incident never played out any further but that was the last time i interfered in dominican matters. so be aware..

tread lightly when you go to a womans help. You could get a lot of slack from the woman getting hit. Women in some relationships accept their man as THEIR man. They are obviously aware of the reason they are being hit, and may in their OWN mind deserve it. You may be just intruding on THEIR relationship and challenging the manhood of her man. Something that is bad in dominican culture.

I wouldnt let a man beat the chit out of a woman in front of me, and I would probably have something to say if I saw a guy hit a woman, but it is sooo dynamic....that you have to play each case on its own...no matter what the computer knights in shining armor will say!!!!!

Heck the woman could end up stabbing you for getting involved....you just dont really know in the DR if you are helping or hurting the situation.


The woman could get worse treatment from her man if he is made to look weak because of your actions... and as such you are the greater threat to her.

it just isnt black and white as it might be in other countries.

bob

( my marriage counselor suggested i strike my wife with an open hand instead of a closed fist, that improved our relationship tremendously)

laurapasinifan said:

tread lightly when you go to a womans help. You could get a lot of slack from the woman getting hit. Women in some relationships accept their man as THEIR man. They are obviously aware of the reason they are being hit, and may in their OWN mind deserve it. You may be just intruding on THEIR relationship and challenging the manhood of her man. Something that is bad in dominican culture.

I wouldnt let a man beat the chit out of a woman in front of me, and I would probably have something to say if I saw a guy hit a woman, but it is sooo dynamic....that you have to play each case on its own...no matter what the computer knights in shining armor will say!!!!!

Heck the woman could end up stabbing you for getting involved....you just dont really know in the DR if you are helping or hurting the situation.


The woman could get worse treatment from her man if he is made to look weak because of your actions... and as such you are the greater threat to her.

it just isnt black and white as it might be in other countries.

bob

( my marriage counselor suggested i strike my wife with an open hand instead of a closed fist, that improved our relationship tremendously)

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You could hardly describe the situation more accurately.
It seems that you are one of the few who truly understands how it works here.
This very well might be the best post you have ever made, and if others are wise enough to accept it as fact, it may save them from getting into some seriously dangerous predicaments.

It's wrong, but common in the DR with the whole machisto attitude that is common down there.

I have to disagree with anyone who says it only happens in the lower classes in the DR. It happens in every class, just that it is not as out in the open in higher class families. The man will not beat his wife in the middle of the street without caring what anyone thinks.

They having a saying "no se mete entra cosas de marido y mujere". Dominicans will be a lot more likely to help out a woman who is getting beaten that is just a novia...but if it's the man's wife *NO ONE*..and I repeat NO local Dominican will step in.

Police could come to help and be told by the neighbors, "Don't worry it's just husband and wife". And the police say "ooh ok" and leave.

And what will the police do to help against abuse? Well if the woman is brave enough to report it, and anyone is brave enough (unlikely) to help her out and be a witness, he will probably go to jail. Often though, Dominican's will have some friend or "family member" somewhere in the DR that is able to get them out on such charges. A restraining order can be given. So when he is angry that she put him in jail, and he comes back to kill her, she can wave a paper in his face, and say sorry you can't come near me, this is a restraining order. *sigh*

Well that's about as effective as I saw the police support there. I had a friend who went through this, so I am well aware of how it seems to "work."

alicious said:

I have to disagree with anyone who says it only happens in the lower classes in the DR. ."

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Nobody has said that it ONLY happens in the low classes, but it's certainly a lot more prevalent.
An educated Dominican woman will not tolerate being hit, while the low class barrio girls not only tolerate it, but some even expect it.
Some even think that their man doesn't really love them, unless he hits them from time to time.

Sorry Rocky I wasn't trying to argue with you. I have heard many ppl express the view that it does only happen in lower classes.

You are right is is more prevalent, but it does happen quiet often in many Dominican homes, no matter the class. It just is a lot more evident in the lower classes where it happens out in the open, and not just behind closed doors.

And any woman who accept or welcome that treatment...well..for one I don't understand it, and for another that sort of stereotype that they create makes it that much more difficult for woman who are stuck in a bad situation and not enjoying getting beaten and abused.

alicious said:

And any woman who accept or welcome that treatment...well..for one I don't understand it, and for another that sort of stereotype that they create makes it that much more difficult for woman who are stuck in a bad situation and not enjoying getting beaten and abused.

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It's not a good situation, and just like most other problems in the DR, it can only be resolved with greater education.
In the meantime, we (those of us who are expats) have to accept that we are on very thin ice when thinking of interfering.

i'm not trying to single out one particular culture but i've seen this behavior more than enough times in the latin culture. in puerto rico, costa rica, panama, DR. it's not like we don't have the problem here in the US, but outside the US and other cultures it seems to go to new heights.
or should i say acceptable ?

Kyle said:

i'm not trying to single out one particular culture but i've seen this behavior more than enough times in the latin culture. in puerto rico, costa rica, panama, DR. it's not like we don't have the problem here in the US, but outside the US and other cultures it seems to go to new heights.
or should i say acceptable ?

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Sounds like a fair assessment to me.
I once had a Dominican girlfriend with whom I argued a few times.
Everytime it would heat up, she would ask me, "Are you going to hit me now?".
No matter how many times I explained to her that I would never hit her, she would still ask each and every time we argued.
The best way I can describe it, is that she was inviting me to hit her, and was angered by my refusal to do so.
Whether anyone chooses to believe it, is another thing, as I do understand that it sounds completely unbelievable, but that's how it was with her, and there were times that she acted like I didn't care enough for her to even hit her.