Any Dominican Intermarrages Here?

M

Mark

Guest
I am European-American happilly married to a wonderful
Dominican lady.Would like to hear from others like ourselves
to share experiences.
mark
 
J

JenNY

Guest
Hi!

I met my husband in the Dominican Republic, and brought him to the states.. We too are very happy, and would love to talk with yas.

Best of luck
Jenny and Nidio
 
E

Ed

Guest
I was a happily married American male, married for ten years to a Dominican woman. Seven years into the marriage, I received a letter from a happily married Dominican woman stating that her happily married Dominican husband was sleeping with my happily married Dominican wife. I did not believe it and she denied it. Three years later my happily married Dominican wife died in an automobile accident when leaving a motel with her happly married lover. Then, I believed it.
 
G

Gunnar

Guest
On the second try, yes. My first Dominican wife left me when
the then economic depression reached my company, and we had to
step down in life-style. (You know, like three TV's instead of,
five, one car instead of three etc) My current wife is the
sister-in-law of a long-time friend from Holland, which is how I
met her. We've (unvolontary!) been checking out how it works
in 'low times', living for a year and a half on approx 2000
pesos/month (125 USD) . That has cemented us, rather than split
us. After that, I think it would take quite something to break
it up!

Best wishes of a happy marriage to everyone on this thread!

(Did you by the way notice that happily married posters on
this board are the most nyanced writers?)

/Gunnar
 
G

Greg

Guest
I am happily married (most of the time) to a Dominicana. We live in California and would love someday to have a second home in the DR.

I would not say that being married to someone of a different culture is easy though. It creates unique challenges.

That being said, being married creates lots of challenges! To reply to Ed who posted about his wife's infidelity, I am American, formerly married to an American for 10 years. She had an affair with a French guy.

Your rant tends to imply that Dominican=infidelity. That cleary is not true, though my Dominican wife tells me that Dominican men living in the DR often have lovers and while it is not exactly accepted by society, society does tend to look the other way. With Dominican women, it is another story.

And BEFORE I GET CREAMED about saying the foregoing, I will state AGAIN that this is what my DOMINICAN-BORN AND RAISED wife told me. As I have never lived in the DR, this is ***her*** opinion.
 
J

JenNY

Guest
Greg,

It is very hard, being married to a person of another culture, you just can never take that "culture" away from them.. Or ours from us.. So they tend to buck eachother from time to time.

I don't know, I have never been married to an american men, but I dated a few for long periods of time, and I know I could never be as happy with them as I am with my Dominicano. He's da bomb!

About the comment about the men.. I know that it's true.. I was being laughed at last time I was there by about 5 people, and those that walked by.. Someone said something about Clinton, and although I'm not a fan of his it must have showed in my face. My husband pointed out that I thought he was disgusting for what he did to his wife and daughter. They thought it was strange, that I could think poorly of someone for "That".

My husband, and other women that I have met who are married to Dominicanos have told me that the women down there are just as unloyal as the men.. That's just hear say.. I think it's just as bad here, but people don't talk the way they do down there! Here it's more hush, hush..

Any culture, Any race, there are some bad apples in the bunch..

Sorry that "ed" picked a bad apple, and sorry about the accident that took her life.

Jen
 
J

Jim H

Guest
I am married to a Dominican lady and we are happy (as Greg said most of the time).I Have found that she is alot easier to talk to about our problems that my ex was.She isn't perfect and I am far from it, but we are happy and that is what is important.The biggest problem we have had is my 8 year old son getting over his jealousy But he is working on that,with lots of help.
 
R

ROBERT SAUNDERS

Guest
My Dominican wife and i have yet to live together for an extended period of time, but as she's coming to Canada, to Beautiful Vancouver Island on the 21st of this month, I'll soon find out how difficult it is to blend cultures and families. As my first marriage to an Italian/German Canadian was very good until ill health took her, I think that no matter the race, culture...etc, thinking of the other persons feelings at all times and still getting your own points across will stand us in good stead. As far as unfaithfulness i have the impression from listening to my wife and friends that many dominican women whose husbands get jobs in New York take another man while their husbands are out of country. No suprise there, happens in every country. It always takes two to dance the horizontal mambo. I think the biggest problem for Yris will be the lack of Dominicans but there is a number of Hondurans, mexican, peruvians, el savadorians and costa ricans. Other adjustment problems are going to happen, c'est la vie.I'll let you know in a couple of months if we're still surviving.
 
A

arcoiris

Guest
I am also married to a Dominicano. It is not easy to blend the two cultures, especially a macho man with a liberated woman. We are both committed to working at developing our relationship and to building on what we have. We talk things out and agree to respect and listen to each other. We don't stay mad for long. We look at both cultural alternatives in any given situation. Sometimes his way works best, sometimes my way works best, and sometimes we invent something new and try it. When you think about it that's how America became great...by intermarriages and creative thinking. The people who stuck to their own kind in a racist rut are now seen to be liabilities to the American larger community. We don't have to buy into White purity anymore, and we don't go by "stick to your own kind", but more of us are willing to make the effort to appreciate the good in other cultures and learn from them. By the way, I just got a couple of good cook books for Dominican and Caribbean cooking, and am experimenting. That is one of the areas where we are doing some give and take. Can anyone tell me some ways to prepare malanga? and is it the same as yautia or different?
 
K

Katia

Guest
I have just married a Dominican man, a wonderful man, this past May. We have yet to live together for an extended period of time as he is still living in DR and I am in Canada. We are in the process of having him come to Canada to live permanently.

Although I have spent many weeks with him this past year (and again in September coming), I have noticed the difference in culture. I was raised by an Italian father who was and still is very strict and by a French Canadian mother who tends to be more liberal.

From what I read in these few messages, it's difficult being married to a person who comes from a different background. My husband and I want the same things and see things pretty much the same way. We both believe in God and are religious, we both think family is important and that without any money a relationship or marriage can end in a separation.

This being said, I love my husband enough to make our marriage work no matter what. I think many of you will agree with me on that last thought.

I'd like to hear from people going through the same thing as me and wish everyone married to a Dominicano or Dominicana the best of luck.

Katia
 
G

Greg

Guest
Katia-

I think what we are saying is that being married is difficult, period. Being married to someone from a completely different culture creates its own sets of challenges though.

Much of the time, the differences are funny, if you try to keep a sense of humor. In the end the differences can drive you together or drive you apart, you make the choice.

I thought that Arcoiris' comment about using this as an opportunity to see things a different way is right on.

That being said, you have to prepare yourself for an environment where the two of you react to the same thing in very different ways. We used to have a poster on this board who was married to a Dominican for over 10 years. She described it as both the most difficult and most satisfying thing she had ever done. How many things in life can you say that about?

My friends and family still half-jokingly ask me "so when are you going to get a divorce?" They think it can't last.

I think the trick is living it day-to-day with an open mind and open heart.

Finally, I would suggest to all those who marry someone from another country - let them return home as much as they need to (if you can afford it). It makes a big difference.

Whenever my wife complains that she wants to go home, I tell her to do it. She has returned to family 3 times in the year that we have been married and living in the US. In fact she is in the DR right now. And this time it only took her three days to call me and complain that she wants to be back "home" in the US, in her house and in her bed! However, I told her forget it because I am traveling to the DR to join her next week and she is going to stay there and wait for me! (I can't wait!)
 
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Jim H

Guest
It is so true that you see things differently,But any more that is just as true with americans.Depending on where you are from and how you were rasied the differances can be just as great or greater.Yes marraige (and I am no expert)is a challange and at times diffcult.When you take two seperate people and make one any thing can happen.I think the most important thing for us is to use every thing for growth,and so far it is working.I am happy that where we live race is no an issue.We havn't been back to the DR for almost a year so My wife calls her friends and family a couple of times a week and it helps her alot
 
J

JenNY

Guest
What was your biggest compromise??

Just curious for the rest of you what your hardest/biggest compromise was?

My biggest was when I first got married, I figured that I'd be like my family.. In my family I was raised that the woman wore the pants in the house. My mom wore the pants, and my 4 sisters continue to wear the pants in their homes.. That was our biggest problem at first. When I realized that I wasn't treating him as nice as I could, I changed my ways.. We have learned to balance things out.. There are things that I am stronger in but other things that I am weaker. It was a good compromise, and we are both happy about it.. Although it was a hard compromise, I have to tell you it feels good!! I know I could have never changed this for anyone, but my love is soo strong for hubby I can change just about ANYTHING..

I thought it would be fun to share these type of things!
Jenny
 
G

Gunnar

Guest
Seems I'm in the minority who done the opposite - moving myself
to DR, rather than moving my spouse.

Nevertheless, why so much concentration on the problem parts?
Sure they are there, as in any marriage. But. Waking up together
at six o' clock in the morning, making and drinking a coffee
together while the sun rises, a quick run to the river for a
morning bath and then off to work. Where does trivial
'small-fights' fit into that scheme ? PLEASE!

How many people can have a morning like that?

I had one great culture-chock in my life. That's when I
went back to my home-country (Sweden) after eight years
of non-swedish life...

Bests to you all.
My opinion is that the positive sides of
"Intermarriage" so far outweighs any negative that the latter
"drowns".
 
J

Jim H

Guest
Re: What was your biggest compromise??

I agree with Gunnar,we need to focus on ths positive.We all face enough negative influnces though out the day.But anyway our biggest problem has been Nati's struggle with learning english.I want to talk to my wife so I speak spanish most of the time. This makes her mad because she feels I an keeping her from learning english,so now I frist speak in spanish and then repeat it in english, then have her repeat it.It has helped her alot and when you speak or hear something three times it helps you to understand each other better LOL
 
K

Keith

Guest
Gunnar,

I guess I'm also in the minority here, but of a different kind. I didn't move her to the US, and she didn't move me to the DR -- at least not at first.

I met my Dominican-born-and-raised wife in 1984 when I was transferred by my job from Washington DC to New York City. She'd been living there since graduating from high school in the DR, about 1974. After marrying in 1986 we moved to Virginia in 1987 (we both agreed that we didn't want to raise kids in NYC -- sorry NYC fans!). In 1995, she had an opportunity to work for a US firm in Santo Domingo. Asked me if I was willing to try living in the DR. I said no prob, quit my lucrative job and started a new career as a poorly paid freelance writer/consultant based in the DR.

But after 4 yrs in Santo Domingo, we both wanted to return to the US. The reasons are numnerous and complex and differ slightly between us, but all it boils down to agreeing that the life in Northern Virginia felt more like home to us both than did the life in SD. [I suspect life in Jarabacoa is much less stressful than SD has become, where the "little things" can add up quickly to much stress.]

Overall, the DR years were positive for us in many ways, such as increasing the bond with our (extensive) Dominican family and having the kids get to know and better appreciate their Dominican heritage. But I seriously doubt we'll move back, unless it's for retirement...

Regards,
Keith
 
K

Katia

Guest
Re: What was your biggest compromise??

Jenny,

I'm not living with my husband yet (I'm in Canada he's in DR) but the hardest part of our marriage his the language. We both speak English perfectly. He learned his English while working in Hotels. Unfortunetaly, my Spanish is not really great. I took a class last year prior to my going there but because I don't practice enough, it's pretty poor. So when I visit (like this past May), I have a hard time speaking with his family members that don't speak English (there are many). It gets really frustrating. I know eventually I will speak beautiful Spanish as I am Italian and speak it perfectly but it's still very hard.

The other aspect is the culture. I was raised in a country that is quite different from DR. For example, I get up at 6 in the morning and start work at 8 until 4:30. My husband only works a few hours at night at the hotel (he's a singer). The rest of the day, he records CDs or just hangs around. I'm afraid he won't adjust well to life in Canada as work goes. Am I right to fear this ?

Those are my fears.

Katia
 
G

Greg

Guest
Re: What was your biggest compromise??

I'd say my biggest compromise is related to my biggest challenge with my wife and that is that she imagined that all Americans were rich and that if you lived in the US you would just buy everything you saw.

Part of this was that she grew up in a working-class large family, which in the DR typically means a roof over your head and food on the table, but not a heck of a lot more.

So when she first got here, she just went crazy. I think the telenovellas are somewhat to blame, but the result was that she wanted to have everything that she ever dreamed of IMMEDIATELY. I tried reasoning with her and pointed out that most people took decades to accumulate their possessions, but that concept was completely foreign to her. She had lived hand-to-mouth for too long. To her, money in the bank meant money to spend!

I put up with this for a little while and then finally flipped out with her. It was getting ridiculous! She was not buying a single pair of shoes, she was buying dozens! (and dresses and coats, and kitchen things and furniture...)

Luckily when I flipped out with her and pointed out that she was going just crazy with this, she first was mad and then the next day sheepishly told me "tiene raison."

After that we decided on a monthly budget that she could spend and that I would not argue with her about it. That has worked to a certain degree. Does she hold to that budget? NO! Not a single month yet. Does she spend a whole lot less than in the beginning? Yes!
 
G

Greg

Guest
Funniest thing your spouse has done?

So while we are on the subject of the clash of cultures, how about sharing some funny stories of what you or your spouse have done that was totally normal in their culture but ridiculous in yours?

In my case, my wife will typically put her hair up in curlers for 3-4 hours after she has washed her hair. In the US, you would not typically go out in public in such a state, but in the DR, women go about their daily routine with curlers.

You can guess what happened. She did her hair up in curlers and went shopping, not to the supermarket, but to a very expensive and fancy mall near where we live. Of course everyone was pointing at her and laughing and she felt so embarrassed!
 
A

arcoiris

Guest
Re: What was your biggest compromise??

Like Greg, we have different views on budgetting, in fact a friend of mine was talking to me about this very thing earlier today, and I find Greg's post helpful. My husband has also lived what's called a "hand-to-mouth" existence for most of his life. His family has been extremely poor and whatever they got was immediately used and wasn't usually enough, so they never had anything to really budget. My family has always budgetted very carefully, though my parents had different priorities. It has been very upsetting to me to watch what I have scrimped and saved for immediately used by my husband's family without a thought of budgetting it, and they have gotten rather fat. We have had some fights about it, and I have had to be rather parental in my role. After two years now I see some change. At first they had the idea that the stuff I gave them was a lucky windfall that would never happen again, but now they are more secure in knowing that there needs will be provided for and they can relax and get past "survival mode" and think more about the children's educations, and long term goals.
Another compromise is that between a macho man and a liberated woman, I have to make sure that in public he can keep face and not look hen-pecked, while at home he does really listen to my views and give me some leeway.