Are his intentions genuine????

tattoo<3 · Mar 18, 2008

I have a question burning deep inside me, and knowing I can't ask any of my friends I decided to ask all you experts!!

I read on another thread somewhere about knowing if what Dominican man is saying is real or not...however I am still confused as to whether or not the DR boy I am currently talking to is as interested as he makes himself seem.

Here is the background to our "relationship"

I went on a poverty awareness trip, something very popular within my school, many students have gone for over 17 years. It has been the same tour guides for the past few years and I haven't heard any stories about the female students "hooking up" with any of the guides.

So this time around when I went down I started to realize that one of our guides was extremely good looking. About the 5th day into the trip he started doing some casual flirting -- sitting with me on the bus, walking beside me, making sure I was in his group, asking me to stand beside him, putting his arms around me. On the last day there he made sure he spent all of our free time with me. He held my hand and gave me his necklace so that I would remember him. And yes, I will admit that he gave me a kiss.
He gave me his e-mail and his phone number--but I opted to just give him my email address and since the trip we have been on msn and passing emails back and forth to each other.
About 3 weeks after the trip he started telling me how much he missed me and how he felt about me and that he wishes that one day I would come back. He asks about my mom all the time and always tells me to say Hi to her for him.
2 weeks I decided that I would tell him that I was planning a return trip to the Dominican to spend a large amount of time down there. He was very excited! He offered to help me in any way possible, he told me he would make sure he would take the day of work and rent a cab so that he can pick me up at the air port, he did offer me an extra room in his dad's house-- which he keeps telling me he is getting ready for me. He has asked me to meet his brothers and sisters and told me he would take me to visit the Batays to teach some English.

He seems genuine to me, I don't really know how to tell over msn though. The things he says are very sweet and very nice. He hasn't mentioned sex at all, he always makes sure that I am okay when we are talking, and I will admit...he has said the big "L" word. I haven't told him I loved him back--but he isn't shy to tell me that he loves me and that he gets very upset when we don't talk for a few days in a row.
--The love seemed to come very quickly, but it didn't come right away--which people said was bad.

soooo I know that was very long and it probably isn't as detailed as you would like. If you want more details let me know--Other than that.....

I JUST NEED SOME ADVICE AND SOME HELP!!!!

Do I believe him? Are his actions genuine?

Alyonka · Mar 19, 2008

I would be worried because he used the "L" word without knowing you for that long. Most men use the "L" word for real after months and years of trying to get to know someone. Earlier than that - does not sound right.

Hipocrito Mejia · Mar 19, 2008

A lot of what he's offering you seems to be genuine and with good intentions, however, as Alyonka pointed out, his use of the "L" word raises a red flag. I can only explain it as one of the following: he is using the wrong word and means like, not love; he wants you to make you feel good because he wants sex and/or money and/or a way out of DR from you; he actually believes that he loves you because he has mental issues (a normal person can not love another in such a short period of time).

tattoo<3 · Mar 19, 2008

Hipocrito Mejia said:
A lot of what he's offering you seems to be genuine and with good intentions, however, as Alyonka pointed out, his use of the "L" word raises a red flag. I can only explain it as one of the following: he is using the wrong word and means like, not love; he wants you to make you feel good because he wants sex and/or money and/or a way out of DR from you; he actually believes that he loves you because he has mental issues (a normal person can not love another in such a short period of time).

Well he doesn't have mental issues. He doesn't want or need money, he is always talking about buying me things and paying for what I need when I go back to the DR. When I told him I would bring my own money to buy things and that he didn't have to buy me anything, he got upset and thought I was mad at him for wanting to spend money on me. Sex hasn't come up in any conversation. And he doesn't want to move to Canada, he wants to stay in his country. We had a conversation about me wanting to live in the DR sometime later in my life and he said that he would never want to leave his own country and he wondered how I would want to leave my country.

badpiece33 · Mar 19, 2008

tattoo<3 said:
Well he doesn't have mental issues. He doesn't want or need money, he is always talking about buying me things and paying for what I need when I go back to the DR. When I told him I would bring my own money to buy things and that he didn't have to buy me anything, he got upset and thought I was mad at him for wanting to spend money on me. Sex hasn't come up in any conversation. And he doesn't want to move to Canada, he wants to stay in his country. We had a conversation about me wanting to live in the DR sometime later in my life and he said that he would never want to leave his own country and he wondered how I would want to leave my country.

Seriously if you want to know if he really cares for you tell him you have hit some rough times financially and need to go to see a doctor for some procedure and ask if he could send you some cash. I would bet my anual salary he wont be looking to talk to much more with you and the L word will not be spoken anymore.

Berzin · Mar 19, 2008

To the OP-after a few conversations it is not uncommon for some dominicans to say they love you.

This does not mean the same thing to them as it does to us. They may think they mean it, they may be convinced they are being sincere but like children their emotional attention span lasts only as long as the conversation itself.

Having said this, when you are having a good time aren't you feeling like life is good and that you love everybody?

Since you are here to gauge his sincerity, I will say that as long as you represent an opportunity for a better life you will find false comfort in his sweet words and concern.

So here is the possible scenario that may be playing out-

If I was a good-looking dominican who doesn't need money and a visa, I wouldn't consider you for a girlfriend. A cheap, easy conquest while you are there for sure, but nothing more.

What he is doing is giving you "muela", which means that he is sweet-talking you until he gets what he wants.

He wants you to meet his whole family and you will walk away with a feeling that he has something you don't. All that family togetherness and love sure is intoxicating and its' part of the ploy. He will be counting on that.

They will make you feel as if you have been a part of his family forever, which will be easy to believe while you are in the moment. But you are not, nor will you ever be. As far as he is concerned, "mi casa" will never be "tu casa".

Do yourself a favor and ask yourself what this guy is doing for you emotionally that no one in Canada has done.

Then, like many others who have been caught in this predicament, ignore our advice, spend your money going to the DR to visit him and dream of being there when you are home.

I believe you are in over your head. This is a game that the large majority of foreigners play and lose.

Here is a saying that fits your situation-"No vayas a la Republica Dominicana a buscar lo que no se te ha perdido". Someone feel free to correct me if I wrote it wrong.

Hillbilly · Mar 19, 2008

A long time ago, I wrote the Three Golden Rules for Dating a Dominican,and they have proved to be reliable over the years...
1) He/she has the same educational level as you do or that you will attain.
2) He/she has a bank account, credit card and as much money in the bank as you do, even if it is in pesos Dominicanos.
3) He/she has a passport, visa to either Europe or the US.

If they do not meet these three criteria, there is no sense in pursuing the relationship with any seriousness. You can play, but do not allow any deep feelings to development.

HB

jrf · Mar 19, 2008

tattoo - I do wish you the best and can understand where you are coming from- a bit any way since I am male and not female.

The responses you have received so far are some of the better responses I have seen here and with were written with care. You should thank these people for doing so. I am impressed with their tact.

The reality is exactly as what they have said - and life here is not easy. They could have been much more direct. In time you will see what they mean.

Kyle · Mar 19, 2008

Hillbilly said:
A long time ago, I wrote the Three Golden Rules for Dating a Dominican,and they have proved to be reliable over the years...
1) He/she has the same educational level as you do or that you will attain.
2) He/she has a bank account, credit card and as much money in the bank as you do, even if it is in pesos Dominicanos.
3) He/she has a passport, visa to either Europe or the US.

If they do not meet these three criteria, there is no sense in pursuing the relationship with any seriousness. You can play, but do not allow any deep feelings to development.

HB

wow, those are very tough standards. i've found even well to do dominican ladies with maybe 1 out of 3, never 3 of 3...

Berzin · Mar 19, 2008

Kyle said:
wow, those are very tough standards. i've found even well to do dominican ladies with maybe 1 out of 3, never 3 of 3...

There is also the inevitable and harsh Catch-22 that a dominican who meets all three of Hillbillys' criteria will not be interested in pursuing a relationship with a tourist. They don't need to.

There is nothing that we can bring to the table that they cannot counter.

I found this out when I met some young dominican ladies who were in NYC on a shopping spree from Santiago.

They were such a breed apart from the average dominicana that I've met in the course of my travels that it was very easy to tell that these particular women are just out of bounds for a large percentage of people visiting the DR looking for relationships.

Arrogance may lead one to think otherwise, but for me it is the truth.

Hipocrito Mejia · Mar 19, 2008

jrf said:
The responses you have received so far are some of the better responses I have seen here and with were written with care...with tact... They could have been much more direct.

Don't worry, the sharks are circling this boat! Ufffffff, I already smell blood!

Hipocrito Mejia · Mar 19, 2008

Berzin said:
There is also the inevitable and harsh Catch-22 that a dominican who meets all three of Hillbillys' criteria will not be interested in pursuing a relationship with a tourist. They don't need to.

... these particular women are just out of bounds for a large percentage of people visiting the DR looking for relationships.

That is 100% correct!

If you come across someone who does not meet all 3 criteria, then you better approach it with the mentality that they are guilty of being disingenuous until proven innocent, and even then, I suggest that you ask for an appeal.

Hillbilly · Mar 19, 2008

Berzin: You have certainly nailed it. Exactly.

If you think about the 3GRFDD, you can see how serious mistakes can be avoided...

Of course, some people just like to live dangerously.

HB

Kyle · Mar 19, 2008

you guys are right.
most people need to stop looking for girls at Welcome to Classico®
and www.route66.com...:laugh:

DRob · Mar 19, 2008

To the OP,

Another option (and undoubtedly the one you really want to hear): what if you did, in fact, find that one in a million guy who really does love you?

You live in Canada, he's in the Caribbean. Long distance relationships where your significant other is in the next town or state/province are hard enough. But one in which you're in different countries exacerbates the attendant difficulties and frustrations to a whole new extreme. You'll be thinking about him all the time, and precluding any opportunities of being with local guys.

Eventually, you'll start wondering how you can be together, and your options are to 1) pack up your life and move south, in the hopes that his third world salary can support your first world lifestyle (it can't), or that you wont mind because love conquers all (it won't).

As an alternative, you'll try and move him up to Canada. He'll presume, rightly, that relatively speaking, you're a wealthy person and can take care of both of you. He won't try to integrate himself into your community, other than to the extent the same flirtiness that's having such an effect on you works with others. You'll grow resentful that he isn't acting like a Canadian guy (works, comparatively well educated, many don't actively pursue cheating as sport), start complaining to him, and, as he no longer has to stick around because you spent all your spare time pursuing a visa for him, will take off.

It's about then when you join the large-and-ever-increasing numbers of women who post a "Ladies Beware! My horrible sankie experience" message a few months or years - and several thousands of dollars - later.

SKY · Mar 19, 2008

Badpiece is right on the money. Tell him you need about $1,000 US for a few months and see how much he loves you then.

caro · Mar 19, 2008

you say that you will come here for spent a large amount of time so why not just come down in DR and see what will happen next ....don t rush thing . Do exactly what you will do if you meet a man in your home country ...date him , go about doing your thing and let s see what will happen. sure is that in dr on holiday or short trip here you are more chance to fall on someone who are not genuine but that is not impossible.

the fact you go to DR for a much longer time will help you to find if is just a short stay romance or a real romance ...because who know maybe after few time you date him you will see that is not what you look for.

I was in the same position of you 2 year ago ...the only difference is when I meet my boyfriend I was in DR for making thing happen for my move overthere ...I make the samething if I meet him in my home country and I can say now that after 1year and half we are both happy together .

LuvtheDR · Mar 19, 2008

DRob said:
To the OP,

Another option (and undoubtedly the one you really want to hear): what if you did, in fact, find that one in a million guy who really does love you?

You live in Canada, he's in the Caribbean. Long distance relationships where your significant other is in the next town or state/province are hard enough. But one in which you're in different countries exacerbates the attendant difficulties and frustrations to a whole new extreme. You'll be thinking about him all the time, and precluding any opportunities of being with local guys.

Eventually, you'll start wondering how you can be together, and your options are to 1) pack up your life and move south, in the hopes that his third world salary can support your first world lifestyle (it can't), or that you wont mind because love conquers all (it won't).

As an alternative, you'll try and move him up to Canada. He'll presume, rightly, that relatively speaking, you're a wealthy person and can take care of both of you. He won't try to integrate himself into your community, other than to the extent the same flirtiness that's having such an effect on you works with others. You'll grow resentful that he isn't acting like a Canadian guy (works, comparatively well educated, many don't actively pursue cheating as sport), start complaining to him, and, as he no longer has to stick around because you spent all your spare time pursuing a visa for him, will take off.

It's about then when you join the large-and-ever-increasing numbers of women who post a "Ladies Beware! My horrible sankie experience" message a few months or years - and several thousands of dollars - later.

Tattoo, read this post over and over. This is right on the money. A friend of mine back in Canada went through almost exactly what DRob describes here. Only difference is that she married a guy from Jamaica not DR. (The Island is the only difference here!!)

In a nutshell.....he told her that he never wanted to leave his country. She "convinced" him that he could have a better life if he moved to Canada. It didn't take much "convincing"....it always works out better for them if it was YOUR idea!

She paid (and paid, and paid) to get him there. Of course, he knows how much all this costs, so he believes that she has more money than God...

She bought a bigger house (with a bigger mortgage) so they could be comfortable in their new life together. Not a big deal....once he arrives, the mortgage payments won't be that bad with 2 incomes...right? WRONG! He was horrified that he had to (gasp!) WORK!! He didn't last 2 months!

Now, she has sold the house (and lost money), lost all that money she spent to get him there, went bankrupt and is living with her parents again.

Last I heard.....he is living in Toronto with a new girlfriend that he met while she was on vacation in Jamaica. He has his "travelling papers" thanks to my friend. He's living the good life now....she's living the stressed life with her parents! :tired:

Minx71 · Mar 19, 2008

Tattoo, I'm assuming you're young maybe early 20s? I started looking into this forum 'coz a 21 yr old GF of mine is in the same situation as you. We just got back 2 weeks ago, and yes it's a sankie haven. I'm trying hard to get her head out of the clouds for she has fallen to a seemingly "genuine" DR guy as well. I met him, and he even emails me to say sweet nothings to my girl. Maybe because I'm older that I know the game, but I stand by what these other bloggers are telling you - it's way too early for him to say the L word, hence it's a lie. Also, you are now the 2nd person I've heard to say that her guy does not want to leave his country, the first was my friend's guy. He even told me that he's sending me money to buy my friend flowers...ok, the courtship thing is too sweet but I refused 'coz I don't want to escalate things for my friend. I'm being honest with her about it too. She is starting to see the pros and cons of pursuing this love interest. I'll provide an update to anyone interested...

Lapurr · Mar 19, 2008

I hate to sound like a pessimist, but girlfriend, keep your guard up...They lay on the love pretty hardcore, so you be better amour up and be ready to fight off all the crap that starts shooting out of his mouth. Imagine you telling a Canadian guy you love him, after only a few days ? You would probably never see him again!! Why because he doesn't have a hidden agenda, he is already here!!

Don't forget these guys are not stupid...they will use reverse psychology on you, they don't want to move to a Country where they can have a great job?,education ?house?,wardrobe?, drive a sports car?, vacation whenever oh and WHEREVER?!! Less crime(possibly)....List goes on and on, there is an endless amount of reasons why they would want to leave their countries... Of course they want out, the sooner the better!!

just keep your guard up, be smart!! Travel, and have fun!!

Are his intentions genuine????

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