Canadian fooled

Canadian Fooled

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Jan 17, 2009
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I have the same question........I have been in a relationship with a DR man, younger than myself for 11 months, married for 5 months. We met when he was in entertainment, he lost the job 2 months into our relationship. He was going to seek another entertainment job but I told him to seek something else as I didn't want him doing that. He has turned down 3 jobs in entertainment as he doesn't want me to be worried. I have fully trusted and believed him. I paid for our wedding as he had no money and said that he would repay me everything upon arriving and working in Canada. I have helped him each month with money. I spent a week with him at Christmas. He told me that his brother got a job in entertainment and he needs to be working again, he needs money, doesn't want my money. Wants a motorcycle.......we got into an argument as I couldn't understand why he would spend money on a motorcycle when he is coming to Canada and should have other focuses right now. Anyway, argument was ulgy on my part......I have been very stressed. Argument was in front of his brother.......

When I returned home I learned that his brother told him to "get rid of me".....and he has ended our marriage......basically will not even talk to me.

I am devasted!!! I loved him......have I also be conned?
 

mountainannie

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Dec 11, 2003
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I am so sorry-- but yes...

I have the same question........I have been in a relationship with a DR man, younger than myself for 11 months, married for 5 months. We met when he was in entertainment, he lost the job 2 months into our relationship. He was going to seek another entertainment job but I told him to seek something else as I didn't want him doing that. He has turned down 3 jobs in entertainment as he doesn't want me to be worried. I have fully trusted and believed him. I paid for our wedding as he had no money and said that he would repay me everything upon arriving and working in Canada. I have helped him each month with money. I spent a week with him at Christmas. He told me that his brother got a job in entertainment and he needs to be working again, he needs money, doesn't want my money. Wants a motorcycle.......we got into an argument as I couldn't understand why he would spend money on a motorcycle when he is coming to Canada and should have other focuses right now. Anyway, argument was ulgy on my part......I have been very stressed. Argument was in front of his brother.......

When I returned home I learned that his brother told him to "get rid of me".....and he has ended our marriage......basically will not even talk to me.

I am devasted!!! I loved him......have I also be conned?

The relationship between men and women here on this island (both sides) are so different that really, really, truely (madly deeply) there is not going to be ANY way for an American, or Canadian woman to adjust to a Dominican man unless she meets a lot of criteria --- such as -- speaking fluent Spanish, being raised and trained in a religion which really supports male patriarchal, dominance, having a deep tolerance for infidelity--- I am sorry to tell you all this...

For the foreign men, the women here are a blessed relief from the women that they have had to contend with at home. But as much as it is paradise for the men, it can be the opposite for the women.

And, alas, the men here also appear to be experts at courtship, at the Don Juan stuff, at opening up the hearts so that women are really at risk here.

In researching an article on Machismo here recently I came across a chilling statistic which is that this country ranks as 6th in the WORLD in "feminicide" which is a word that I could not even translate easily - since we don't have a comparable in English. It means women being murdered by their intimate partners.

And alas, to just seed this with ideas from another thread, the presence of all these evangelical Protestants preaching "the man is the head of the woman"--- not very helpful here.

Count your blessings.
 

Canadian Fooled

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Jan 17, 2009
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canadian fooled

Thank you for your comments but what do I do now. We are married, I have invested about $16,000.00, his immigration process is just about finish.....do I report him???

I am still dealing with the fact that I can't believe this is happening, I don't want it to be over, I was looking forward to him coming here and now I just don't know what I should be doing.

Please help.................
 
Mar 2, 2008
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I'll offer you some practical advice, which is based on nothing but my own personal opinion.

Since you have already invested that much money, complete the process, with the proviso that once he is there he will have to take care of himself. Make it clear that you have spent all your money and have nothing else to give.

Once he has the visa and is in country, he will soon disappear, as long as you don't protect him and take care of him as if he were a baby.

If you do continue to cuddle him he will take advantage of you for as long as he can.

Tell him that once he gets there he will have to take care of himself, that he will have to be a man, and until he does that you have no use for him. If he is a man he will step up, if he isn't he'll move on. Your problem will solve itself.

You have already lost $16000. Do not provide him with anything more. Don't continue to throw good money after bad. Inform him of your decision, and you will discover quickly what he is all about.

And stop wallowing in self pity. Move on, for chr**t sake!

It's also time for you to step up and be an independent woman, not a dish rag or door mat. You have to take control of your own life and stop putting in the hands of others.
 

Lambada

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Mar 4, 2004
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Thank you for your comments but what do I do now. We are married, I have invested about $16,000.00, his immigration process is just about finish.....do I report him???

Yes you do. Why should he have the benefit of a life in Canada on your dollar when he won't even speak to you & has, as you say 'ended the marriage'. Since his only reason for the marriage was most probably the visa and not a lot to do with being fond of you (sorry, but you know this anyway), then since he has ended the 'marriage' - you have too!

I disagree with catcher on this one. Letting him come to Canada just sends a message to other guys like him that they can do this & get away with it. For the sake of your sisters down the line who will also fall for this well established scam, put a stop to it now & don't let him migrate to Canada. You didn't get what you wanted out of this 'relationship' so why should he? And guess what.........once he finds out you've stopped his chances of getting to Canada, he'll start talking to you. My bet is he'll be positively garrulous! But don't answer, walk away. You can deal with the divorce formalities later when your emotions aren't so raw.

I extend empathy to you and know that a) you'll never fall for this trick again & b) one day a decent guy will come along for you, this will all be history and you'll probably laugh about.
 

margaret

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Aug 9, 2006
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I agree with Lambada, notify the processing centre as soon as possible in writing that you are withdrawing your sponsorship. You don't want to be on the hook if this guy comes to Canada, joins some one else in another province and goes on social assistance. And you have to change your phone number and cut off all contact with him because he will probably beg for a second chance. Write a letter now, make a copy and send it Registered mail before the Post Office closes.

The undertaking is an unconditional promise of support. For example, the granting of Canadian citizenship, divorce, separation or relationship breakdown or moving to another province does not cancel the undertaking. The undertaking also remains in effect if your financial situation deteriorates.

Guide 3900 - Sponsorship of a spouse, common-law partner, conjugal partner or dependent child living outside Canada
 

margaret

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Aug 9, 2006
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Here maybe this will help you.

Immigration Canada
Mississauga Processing Centre
Mississauga, Ontario

January 17, 2009

Ms. Imnota Canadianfool
All Street, Any Province

Immigration File #
Sponsoring Application: Sankie #000986

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to inform you that I, ________________________ on this day, month, year will hereby withdraw my undertaking of support/assistance for ____________________________. For personal and financial reasons, I will not be continuing with this application, as I [OPTIONAL TEXT: believe this individual entered into the marriage for immigration purposes only and] I don’t want to be legally or financially responsible for their entry and support as a permanent resident in Canada.

Please advise me of any other steps that I need to take to withdraw my sponsorship. Don’t hesitate to contact me, if you have any questions.

Yours truly,
Imnota CanadianFool
Telephone:
Email:
 
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AnnaC

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Jan 2, 2002
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I'll offer you some practical advice, which is based on nothing but my own personal opinion.

Since you have already invested that much money, complete the process, with the proviso that once he is there he will have to take care of himself. Make it clear that you have spent all your money and have nothing else to give.

Once he has the visa and is in country, he will soon disappear, as long as you don't protect him and take care of him as if he were a baby.

I realize that you might not be aware of Canadian laws but if he does get here (Canada) disappearing would be a good thing but our immigration laws say that she is responsible for him for 3 years. That means that if he does disappear and can't get a job and goes for welfare the government will go after her for every penny paid out to him for the next 3 years.

If he doesn't want to be married to her then cut it off right now because it only gets worse from here. Margaret has provided some good info.
 
Mar 2, 2008
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"I realize that you might not be aware of Canadian laws but if he does get here (Canada) disappearing would be a good thing but our immigration laws say that she is responsible for him for 3 years. That means that if he does disappear and can't get a job and goes for welfare the government will go after her for every penny paid out to him for the next 3 years."


Yes, you are absolutely correct, and I didn't consider that when I posted my rant. It hit me as I was reading Lambada's post, and I was just about to apologize for my oversight, when I saw your post, Anna.

Everything else I said is okay, I think. So please just scratch out the part about the visa, and mark it down as a brain cramp. If either Lambada or Anna wants to rectify any other incorrect assumptions I might have made, please feel free to do so.

I stand chastised and contrite.
 

Lambada

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Mar 4, 2004
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I stand chastised and contrite.

Well, it's better than being castrated and uptight :cheeky:.
No nothing for me to rectify, catcher, in any event I know nothing about Canadian law; I just work from common sense.

Canadian Fooled are you still reading this? Get back to us please when you have time. Today is the day for action, you can cry tomorrow.
 

Mujermaravilla

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Jun 15, 2006
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I don't usually comment on these matters sinces I feel they are deeply personal but in this case I have a different point of view from most posters.

This is what I think went wrong

1. You basically told him not to work. If his skills and experience are in the Resort Entertainment field then that is where he is going to have offers. what other kind of work did you honestly expect him to find?

2. You decided you wanted to support him financially and then felt that you had the right to tell him what to do. Like others have said Dominican men are very macho. And although you feel that you should have a say on everything he does he is going to show you that he is still a "man"

3. You made him look bad infront of his family. You never do that.

4. Don't expect him to really pay you back.

I don't think you should feel used. It was your choice to support him. Stop calling him because when you do he feels that he still has you. Don't threaten him to get him to talk to you. Wait a month or two, see if he calms down and calls you then you can talk about things.
 

AlterEgo

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Jan 9, 2009
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Not ALL Dominican men are sankies

The relationship between men and women here on this island (both sides) are so different that really, really, truely (madly deeply) there is not going to be ANY way for an American, or Canadian woman to adjust to a Dominican man unless she meets a lot of criteria --- such as -- speaking fluent Spanish, being raised and trained in a religion which really supports male patriarchal, dominance, having a deep tolerance for infidelity--- I am sorry to tell you all this... /QUOTE]

I have to add my 2 cents here. In 1975 I went on vacation to DR with a friend who went there often. She introduced me to a Dominican she knew who was a dealer in the hotel casino. Long story short, we've been married 32 years, have 2 children, 27 & 29 yrs old, and a beautiful 2 yr old grandson who we've brought to the DR twice. I didn't speak a word of Spanish in '75 and I learned quickly that I would sit like a bump on a log with his large family because he was the only one who spoke English. Today I speak Spanish well enough. His family is my family and vice-versa. We own property in the DR and visit there a couple of times a year. He's a wonderful husband and father, and the best son-in-law my parents could have ever imagined. I'm an Italian American New Yorker who would never tolerate infidelity - not all Dominican men are the same (although I must admit that more than one of my five sister-in-laws have gone through hell because of it). Within 10 years we'll be retiring, and will probably spend 6 months a year in the DR. That friend who introduced us in '75 has been living in Santo Domingo over 10 years now -some of you may even know her - and except for our political differences we're still good buddies!
 

mountainannie

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Dec 11, 2003
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Thanks all

First for the "uxoricide" I did suffer through a couple of years of Latin but I would not have used it since the women in question are often not wives.

And, certainly, I did not mean to imply that ALL Dominican men were Sankies- just that it is very hard adjustment. And, I suggest that it would have been a very different marriage for you, as an American, if you had stayed here in the DR.

And Mujermaravilla is right- there were some strategic mistakes, which may be clear in hindsight but no one goes into marriage with a battle plan. Most of us are infected with the virus of "being in love" and assume that we have "found the prince" (or the princess- this one works both ways) and while we may know - what - a small slice of the person, we just fill in the rest. The rest of the life together is spent working it out, getting to know one another, adjusting, adapting, hopefully really discovering love.

So I am Completely in accord with the GREAT letter that was posted. Who was that who took the time out of her day to write that wonderful letter? I will go back and check...Well, good on ya.

perfectly said... just like the one my Dad wrote to the department stores to let them know that he would no longer be responsible for my mother's debts.... clear, conconcise, to the point, no nonense... and, as a courtesy, you might want to be sure that someone drops a copy off at your soon to be ex's house. (Unlike just waiting til my Mom finishes all the school clothes shopping for us at the nice department store and then gets called into the Credit department....sob... sob... ok... so we all know where my stuff comes from -- THAT is only the teensy tip of it!)

RUN - well - you are back in Canada aren't you?

You got off cheaply. Consider it a good "year abroad" program.
 

Canadian Fooled

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Jan 17, 2009
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canadian fooled

Thank you everyone for your comments. I have a question......if I don't notify immigration that I am discontinuing sponsorship will he get to come to Canada? I thought he could only enter via my sponsorship......am I incorrect.

I have to be honest with everyone .....if he were to say sorry right now i would forgive him. Plan A is I want my marriage. I think our biggest problem is the culture difference and I should have researched this so that i had a better understanding. Right now, I don't believe there will be an opportunity for us to turn this around.........I am hurting badly!!!

It is not my nature to do bad things to others, BUT, I will notify immigration (not today, I need a little time as once I initiate that it is truly over). Will I get the processing fees back?

I have informed him that he needs to repay me only the money spent on the wedding as he always committed to doing that. He asked me to provide him a breakdown of all the costs.......I did that yesterday......but I have not heard from him yet.

I am in shock about the culture differences being so significant. When I left the DR on Jan 1st we were good, he told me not to cry, he is in my heart, very good with me and will see me soon in Canada. His brother's girlfriend told me that the brother said to my husband when they returned from the airport "if any woman talked to me like that I would leave her forever"......my husband's response was "I won't leave her". And now this. Am I totally ignorant to be thinking the brother and/or family has totally manipulated his thought process?

My grief stage right now is still, "what the hell happened?"...............

Your continued comments are welcomed...............
 

Canadian Fooled

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Jan 17, 2009
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I also can't even turn my mind to what the divorce process looks like. I have to make another comment. During my relationship, I have met 3 other woman married to DR men........2 woman from Canada and 1 from Spain. All 3 said they were insistant that their men did not work in entertainment while they were waiting to join their wifes. I feel very confused about everything.

I guess you are sensing how fragile my emotions are right now. I miss talking to him terribly.
 

bob saunders

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Jan 1, 2002
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dr1.com
I also can't even turn my mind to what the divorce process looks like. I have to make another comment. During my relationship, I have met 3 other woman married to DR men........2 woman from Canada and 1 from Spain. All 3 said they were insistent that their men did not work in entertainment while they were waiting to join their wifes. I feel very confused about everything.

I guess you are sensing how fragile my emotions are right now. I miss talking to him terribly.

Now, why would be you be insistent that they not work in entertainment?
 

Canadian Fooled

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Jan 17, 2009
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I guess the logic is why would you want your husband dancing with drunk woman falling all over them every night.................
 

AnnaC

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Jan 2, 2002
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Read the link that Margaret gave you, you might get some of the money back which isn't much compared to what you've already spent.

May I ask you where in the process you are? When were you approved as a sponsor, when was it sent to Haiti?
 

Canadian Fooled

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Jan 17, 2009
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My husband's application was approved in Canada on December 2, 2008 and forwarded to the Canadian VISA office in the DR on December 5, 2008........won't they contact me before processing his immigration papers?