My story

Elisabeth001 · Aug 2, 2009

I just feel like I want to share my story

I am in a relationship with a Dominican ( What a surprise ; )
First time I went there, I did not know anything about this phenomenon, sanky pankies... long distance relationship... having many girlfriends at the same times... Since I am involved in one, I am surprised to see how common it is and how so many were "used". And oviously it scares me. Why me, why my relationship would be any different now... even if a big part of me believe it is.

We talked about it many times, he did tell me that in the past, he slept with tourists and made them believe whatever they wanted to hear. Not because he absolutely wants to get out of the country but everybody pretty much at the resort does it and it is not as if it was painful to do it. Regardless, after he never really entertained the relationship. At least he was honest with his past and the questions I've asked him. I do understand in a certain way why he did it.

Now me, it's going to be six months, I went there 3 times already. He calls me every single day, several times and we talked for hours. We really get along, we have good conversations, about his past, his family, his future, some anecdotes, about my life... we are getting to know each other as any normal relationship. He makes me feel good and I do make him feel good.
I really feel he is sincere, that he does not have other girlfriends nor he does the same with other girls. I do think he has changed just like he tells me.
He is the one to call me, if i miss his calls, i call him back, never i was not able to reach him, he always answered or called me within few minutes. He tells me what he does all the time, if he is going out, eat, have a drink, going to the store etc...

We are talking about me going to live there to see if it could be possible, let's face it, unless we don't live together for a certain period of time, never we will know if the relationship can really work cause now everything is so good, talk on the phone, go there for a week or two but it is not the 'real' life.
I do want to try, i am starting to like him more and more, just like him...
I wish it could be easier for him to come and visit ( Canada ) but it is almost impossible and I don't want to marry him, well not now. And he knows that.
He is telling me that he only waits for the time that I will be ready to go live there, and he will gets everything ready for us to live together. I have a very good job that i don't want to quit, i would need to take a leave of absence for a few months.. save money... it's not something that I can do now. Maybe in a year... It is so long when you think about it...

To finish, of course sometimes I have doubts... I ask myself questions, I ask him questions, poor him sometimes ;O ... especially now that I am awared of this 'phenomenon' I wouldn't like to be one in so many... It would truly hurts me now that I am strongly attached to him. But i honestly don't feel like he is like that and where would he finds the time...

I am not crazy, I am staying focus on my life here as well, I keep my feet down to earth but everything's is possible no ?
By the way, I am not older, bigger, uglier than him !!!

Sometimes It is more difficult than the other days. I do have ups and downs.

Anyways, that was it.
No judgments please, only share your story or give your advices / your thoughts.

SKing · Aug 2, 2009

If I were you, I would tell him that when you are able, you will move to DR with him but under no circumstances will you entertain the thought of sponsoring him to Canada.
I had 2 very quick relationships, after I told them that under no circumstance, be it Love, Illness,Money, etc...will I sponsor a Dominican to go to the USA. Both of them within a week, picked a fight and were gone...
That is the easiest way to weed them out. My man knows...he will never see the good ole' U-S-of A, at least not on my name.
SHALENA

Millesa · Aug 2, 2009

Very brave of you to tell your story here.
I'd also like to think they're not all like that. A friend of mine recently started seeing a Dominican guy as well, and she's going through similar emotions.
I hope it works out for the two of you. Best of luck

Chip · Aug 2, 2009

SKing said:
If I were you, I would tell him that when you are able, you will move to DR with him but under no circumstances will you entertain the thought of sponsoring him to Canada.
I had 2 very quick relationships, after I told them that under no circumstance, be it Love, Illness,Money, etc...will I sponsor a Dominican to go to the USA. Both of them within a week, picked a fight and were gone...
That is the easiest way to weed them out. My man knows...he will never see the good ole' U-S-of A, at least not on my name.
SHALENA

Very good advice.

Marianopolita · Aug 2, 2009

Catharsis and contemplation...

First if all you sound young (at least younger than I am) which means whatever happens you will move on eventually and have many more chances to be in a relationship if that's what you want. I see these types of posts as catharsis. As human beings we all need purge our souls from time to time and relationships good and bad really are instigators of the need to express ourselves- desires, fears, goals, hope, etc. No one is exempt from this we just all do it in different ways.

I don't believe that any of the advice here positive or negative you will heed because I think people in the long run do what they feel is best. You are the one in the relationship and can best take control of your destiny. However, weed out the good and bad posts and if some of the advice is helpful all the better for you. I think many people share similar experiences with relationships in this forum.

You mentioned it but just to reiterate an important aspect, don't put your life on hold for this relationship that still has a lot of doubts. On the phone he will be on his best behaviour, that's very easy however, you still need to experience daily interaction with him for you to really understand if there is something real. I will say that your story follows the pattern of many others described here and I strongly suggest you think about the outcome. More have ended badly than positively and it's not a coincidence. You mentioned that he said he has changed but what has changed? Is he seemingly more committed to you because he has not been able to get out of the DR with the other tourists so maybe now he has decided he will maintain a relationship with you for as long as possible until he does see a possibility of getting out? I know it's hard to think that you may be his ticket out of the DR but think how hard it will be if you don't and you continue building a relationship on false promises.

My only advice is you need to find out where this is going asap and as one poster Sking stated you need to put your cards on the table meaning 'no visa' and see if the relationship still has any meaning. As well, if you are not going to sponsor him but you both discover that the relationship is solid based on real emotions etc. Are you willing to move to the DR? These are some key aspects you need to consider.

Good luck and I hope you figure things out without going through any emotional turmoil.

-Marianopolita.

bob saunders · Aug 2, 2009

SKing said:
If I were you, I would tell him that when you are able, you will move to DR with him but under no circumstances will you entertain the thought of sponsoring him to Canada.
I had 2 very quick relationships, after I told them that under no circumstance, be it Love, Illness,Money, etc...will I sponsor a Dominican to go to the USA. Both of them within a week, picked a fight and were gone...
That is the easiest way to weed them out. My man knows...he will never see the good ole' U-S-of A, at least not on my name.
SHALENA

excellent weeding tool

Hillbilly · Aug 2, 2009

I would suggest this

http://www.dr1.com/forums/men-mars-women-venus/92110-another-victim.html

Be exceedingly cautious. Where visas are concerned or are the goal, there are no holds barred..

And FYI: Dating anybody in this country that does not have a visa to Europe or the US is a waste of time 99.999% of the time..
And, dating one with a visa is no guarantee, either...it's the culture...

HB

badpiece33 · Aug 2, 2009

Elisabeth001 said:
I just feel like I want to share my story

I am in a relationship with a Dominican ( What a surprise ; )
First time I went there, I did not know anything about this phenomenon, sanky pankies... long distance relationship... having many girlfriends at the same times... Since I am involved in one, I am surprised to see how common it is and how so many were "used". And oviously it scares me. Why me, why my relationship would be any different now... even if a big part of me believe it is.Have you read Hillbillys sticky on dating a Dominican? If not you need to read it ASAP.

We talked about it many times, he did tell me that in the past, he slept with tourists and made them believe whatever they wanted to hear. Not because he absolutely wants to get out of the country but everybody pretty much at the resort does it and it is not as if it was painful to do it. Everyone does not do it as much as he wants you to believe that.Regardless, after he never really entertained the relationship. At least he was honest with his past and the questions I've asked him. I do understand in a certain way why he did it.Let me help you out as a player myself,We tell you we were bad in the past and now we are more mature and looking to settle down, If you really like the guy,you will go for this hook line and sinker. My advise take a step back and think to yourself,Why would he really change? He has only seen you on 3 trips more or less. Do you fall for guys this fast in Canada or do you see thru them to their real intentions? The sun,beach,palm trees all cloud your vision. Try to pictue this guy throwing the same lines at you in Canada.

Now me, it's going to be six months, I went there 3 times already. He calls me every single day, several times and we talked for hours.He calls you then hangs up and waits for you to call back on your DIME,correct?!!! Free incoming calls We really get along, we have good conversations, about his past, his family, his future, some anecdotes, about my life... we are getting to know each other as any normal relationship. He makes me feel good and I do make him feel good.He makes you feel good!!!! Thats the sankies job. Do you really know about his life? Have you stayed at his home for several days in a row,Do you really know his family?Or just what he wants you to see!!!His sister could be his real wife,I have seen this before.
I really feel he is sincere, that he does not have other girlfriends nor he does the same with other girls.Really??? Dominican men will cheat on their Dominican wives that they live with, You are 2,000 miles away,Think about it do you really think he sitting around just waiting for you to return one day??? Wake up!!! I do think he has changed just like he tells me.
He is the one to call me(Then hang up,and wait for your return call), if i miss his calls, i call him back, never i was not able to reach him, he always answered or called me within few minutes.Of course you are his ticket out,He will speak to you even if his girlfriend/wife is in bed with him.(just the way it is) He tells me what he does all the time, if he is going out, eat, have a drink, going to the store etc...He just lies about who he is doing it with.

We are talking about me going to live there to see if it could be possible, let's face it, unless we don't live together for a certain period of time, never we will know if the relationship can really work cause now everything is so good, talk on the phone, go there for a week or two but it is not the 'real' life.Tell him you lost your job in Canada and just have enough money to buy a one way plane ticket,and you want to go live with him. You will then see if he is for real.
I do want to try, i am starting to like him more and more, just like him...
I wish it could be easier for him to come and visit ( Canada ) but it is almost impossible and I don't want to marry him, well not now. And he knows that.
He is telling me that he only waits for the time that I will be ready to go live there, and he will gets everything ready for us to live together.Tell him your on your way down to live with him,but you have no money and will be living with him,See how the relationship goes south from that moment on. I have a very good job that i don't want to quit,Are you out of your mind? Find a man in Canada and go to DR and enjoy the forbidden vacation sex. Keep your job. i would need to take a leave of absence for a few months.. save money... it's not something that I can do now. Maybe in a year... It is so long when you think about it...

To finish, of course sometimes I have doubts... I ask myself questions, I ask him questions, poor him sometimes ;O ... especially now that I am awared of this 'phenomenon' I wouldn't like to be one in so many...Well the truth hurts and I am 98% sure you are one of many. It would truly hurts me now that I am strongly attached to him. But i honestly don't feel like he is like that and where would he finds the time... Time?? These sankies will talk to you in front of their real wives/girlfriends,remember you are a ATM with sneakers to these sankies and their families.

I am not crazy, I am staying focus on my life here as well, I keep my feet down to earth but everything's is possible no ?
By the way, I am not older, bigger, uglier than him !!! But you are financially light years ahead of him,read Hillbillys sticky on dating a Dominican.

Sometimes It is more difficult than the other days. I do have ups and downs.

Anyways, that was it.
No judgments please, only share your story or give your advices / your thoughts.

I am sorry if I offended you or was too up front with my assesment of your relationship but I have seen so much in my 17 years travelling to DR and people are blinded by the warm weather,beach,palm trees and think it is a fantasy come true. I am serious about you telling him that you are coming to live with him and tell him that he will be supporting you till you find work in DR and see how fast everything changes. Let me know how it turns out.

Chip · Aug 2, 2009

Hillbilly said:
I would suggest this

http://www.dr1.com/forums/men-mars-women-venus/92110-another-victim.html

Be exceedingly cautious. Where visas are concerned or are the goal, there are no holds barred..

And FYI: Dating anybody in this country that does not have a visa to Europe or the US is a waste of time 99.999% of the time..
And, dating one with a visa is no guarantee, either...it's the culture...

HB

That is certainly the case for the tourist areas but maybe not in other areas.

Thandie · Aug 2, 2009

Sking,
Smart way to weed them out. But I bet it was not just what you said but 'how you said it' and the fact that you laid the ground rules from the get go! That is the key. They knew they could not muela/sweet talk you into eventually changing your mind!
As soon as they realized you were not the 'typical' dumb gringa that they were hoping for, they moved onto easier targets! Good riddance.

Elisabeth,

You sound level headed about the situation. You are asking for advice, rightfully questioning him (and yourself), understandibly afraid, have doubts and cautious, understand many short trips is not 'real life', not going to rush into drastically changing your life and moving there or talking about marriage way too soon, etc.
Someone on the board recommended a private investigator and I understand others have used the service. Maybe something you want to consider before you invest more time or emotion into the relationship, or before you move down there to live with him.
There are some cultural differences that are difficult to understand for those who do not live in the DR or other developing countries.

I stayed in a resort with a friend from Northern Africa, I am Jamaican...we were both familar with the concept of Sanky Pankys, from our home countries and could spot the vultures a mile away. As young, single, not bad looking women, the workers at the resort were trying to 'trap' us the 1st day. They dont just go after the type of women you described, if they are attractive and their age that is just an added bonus.

Not wanting to be bothered the rest of our vacation, I asked a Dominican tourist how to tell the guys to leave us alone, the way a Dominican woman would do it, in their own language. He gave us a very Dominican saying that translated into stop trying to bull*hit me/sweet talk me/ talk smack (mulea, cotorra).
All the men laughed in shock and asked us how we knew to say that. I lied and told them my dad was Dominican, they realized we couldnt be fooled and they immediately stopped bothering us for the rest of the trip.

The ones we became friendly with, would proudly point out their friends who were using tourists and all that they were getting from them and how they would do it...the 'grooming process'. Many were smart enough not to ask for money/gifts in the beginning, saying once she fell in love thats she would be crazy enough to do anything for them. To get the women to fall in love with them was their goal cause thats is when they could control her and the situation.

One worker proudly showed us his designer sunglasses, another one his expensive watch... all gifts from latest targets. Others would laugh and tell us stories about how they would call tourists 'el banco', their personal bank to withdraw money from. Any worker who does not take an opportunity to sanky a tourist is considered stupid by their coworkers. It is 'sport' to them, a game, and they are in it to win.

Later, I lived in the DR and met and heard about many tourist women who were living there with their novios and still being used, some being abused.
I was in a public taxi once and the driver was sharing his tales with the entire car of how he took advantage/sankied of all the dumb gringos. Everyone was laughing. It was one big joke, one big novella. One old female passenger said they are so dumb so they deserve it. They all thought I was Dominican and were talking freely.

You sound smart and realistic so I bet you will make the right choices.
Wishing you the best with whatever you choose!

minerva_feliz · Aug 2, 2009

Keepin' it real.

We talked about it many times, he did tell me that in the past, he slept with tourists and made them believe whatever they wanted to hear.

I really feel he is sincere, that he does not have other girlfriends nor he does the same with other girls. I do think he has changed just like he tells me.

A logical person who knows anything about sankies at all has to ask you: Is that what YOU WANT TO HEAR? Why do you really think you are an exception? Probably, most likely, YOU ARE NOT. That is a fact, it's reality. You already know he can and has done it before.

All of the bad stories on here start out exactly like this. Actually, you are in even worse shape than most because you are dealing with a self-confirmed sanky. The odds are completely against you.

If you valued faithfulness in a relationship, would you date someone who broke up with their past 3 partners because they were the ones who cheated on them and moved on? Maybe, if you were completely blinded by emotions and believed the person (just like the last 3 did) that they love you and you are the only one. But the logical thing to do would be to recognize a pattern and realize that you are playing with fire and waiting to get burned.

Once a sanky, always a sanky? Even if he doesn't see you the same as the ones in the past, any feelings he has for you (real, imagined or faked) could be marked in some way by similar socio-economic motivations. You + or - authentic feelings always = opportunities for money/visa/free stuff. The playing field is not level.

Ultimately, you can do what you want. But you could save yourself a lot of trouble and pain if you hire a private investigator. Paranoid? Nope, more like an investment. It's peanuts compared to how much you have spent coming down from Canada 3 times in the past 6 months and how much you will continue to spend to stay in the relationship.

None of this is meant to be a personal criticism. Just trying to keep it real.

frank recktenwald · Aug 2, 2009

badpiece33 said:
I am sorry if I offended you or was too up front with my assesment of your relationship but I have seen so much in my 17 years travelling to DR and people are blinded by the warm weather,beach,palm trees and think it is a fantasy come true. I am serious about you telling him that you are coming to live with him and tell him that he will be supporting you till you find work in DR and see how fast everything changes. Let me know how it turns out.

Spoken as a real player!!!!!
If one wants to play here in the DR learn the game first!!!

Thandie · Aug 2, 2009

minerva_feliz said:
But you could save yourself a lot of trouble and pain if you hire a private investigator. Paranoid? Nope, more like an investment. It's peanuts compared to how much you have spent coming down from Canada 3 times in the past 6 months and how much you will continue to spend to stay in the relationship.

Ok a private investigator has been mentioned 3 times in this thread.
Anyone have the contact info to post for the PI that the woman in the link Hillbilly posted, used?

Chip · Aug 2, 2009

Thandie said:
Ok a private investigator has been mentioned 3 times in this thread.
Anyone have the contact info to post for the PI that the woman in the link Hillbilly posted, used?

Contact Charles, aka "lajackael" by pm or his email. He's a good friend and trustworthy telstarpi@gmail.com

badpiece33 · Aug 2, 2009

Thandie said:
Ok a private investigator has been mentioned 3 times in this thread.
Anyone have the contact info to post for the PI that the woman in the link Hillbilly posted, used?

She can save her money and just do as I suggested and she will know everything in less than a week. No money spent other than phone calls.

Matilda · Aug 2, 2009

Please also bear in mind that whilst a lot of Dominicans are sankies a lot are not. There are many successful relationships between Dominican men and foreign women, and many are not posted on this board. In my opinion many a potentially good relationship has been ruined as the woman is constantly living in fear that her man might be a sanky. Of course you should keep you eyes and ears open and your wallet shut. Of course you should be aware that you might be being played, but do not deny yourself a potential chance for happiness becasue of what you might read on DR1!!!

As Desiderata says "Do not distress yourself with dark imaginings". My advice would be do not give up the day job, do not get yourself in debt, have great holidays, see where it takes you and enjoy being in love!!!

matilda

Elisabeth001 · Aug 2, 2009

I do understand that even if he does have real feelings i am an opportunity for him as well. But what's bad with that if he really likes me.

By the way, never he asked me for money, gifts etc. and when he calls me he talks to me with his own minutes, of course when we talk for hours I do use my own calling card.
The guy makes maybe 200$/month he makes the efforts he is able to. I can not ask him for more if he doesn't have more.
And before he did not say he was a sanky waiting for them to return or give money, he only said he did sleep with tourists...
When we are talking about me going to live there, never he mentionned that I will have to pay the rent etc.. He is waiting for me to be ready so HE can prepare everything...

And, I am not offended by any mean. It's good to see different point of views.
Now I wonder if everything he does or say is premiditted..

Ok I think i am lost here: what's the story about a the private investigator ?
I don't know if i would be willing to go that far, and who's say the the PI is actually honest ?

SKing · Aug 2, 2009

Elisabeth001 said:
I do understand that even if he does have real feelings i am an opportunity for him as well. But what's bad with that if he really likes me.

By the way, never he asked me for money, gifts etc. and when he calls me he talks to me with his own minutes, of course when we talk for hours I do use my own calling card.
The guy makes maybe 200$/month he makes the efforts he is able to. I can not ask him for more if he doesn't have more.
And before he did not say he was a sanky waiting for them to return or give money, he only said he did sleep with tourists...
When we are talking about me going to live there, never he mentionned that I will have to pay the rent etc.. He is waiting for me to be ready so HE can prepare everything...

And, I am not offended by any mean. It's good to see different point of views.
Now I wonder if everything he does or say is premiditted..

Ok I think i am lost here: what's the story about a the private investigator ?
I don't know if i would be willing to go that far, and who's say the the PI is actually honest ?

Chip and I both know this PI...he is very trustworthy. Chip has known him longer than I have but he's good.
SHALENA

Elisabeth001 · Aug 2, 2009

Anywhere I can read story about people who did hire him ?

Thandie · Aug 2, 2009

Elisabeth001 said:
The guy makes maybe 200$/month he makes the efforts he is able to. I can not ask him for more if he doesn't have more.
.....
When we are talking about me going to live there, never he mentionned that I will have to pay the rent etc.. He is waiting for me to be ready so HE can prepare everything...

How is he going to prepare everything for the both of you on only $200 a month? Did he tell you how he is going to do that so you are comfortable?
Did he tell you, that you will not have to contrbute in anyway?
Have you been to his house?
That is barely enough money for 1 local to live on, when they are living with a bunch of other family members and lump combined incomes together.
I hope you know life in the DR is not cheap.
Many things are more expensive than Canada.
Cell phone cards are VERY expensive for example. For a 13 minute phone card it is over $3 Canadian. When you are only making $200 you cant afford much.

It is good you are not ultra sensitive or defensive and open to seeing different points of view.
That is a good sign!

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