A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted
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This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) which came in a little white box. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time, mate! I'm putting on my f*cking shoes!!"
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A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing. At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass.
During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up.
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted
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This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) which came in a little white box. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time, mate! I'm putting on my f*cking shoes!!"
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A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing. At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass.
During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up.