Southern (US) Humor

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XanaduRanch

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Sep 15, 2002
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Technology Terms Translated for Southerners

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Dem new fangeled pianers
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole
 
X

XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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The Magician &The Captain's Girlfriend

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

The captain's rather slow-witted, drawling, blonde, Mississippi-bred girlfriend saw the shows each week and slowly but surely began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once she understood, she started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, y'all, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hidin' the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why're all them cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's girlfriend.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the dim-witted woman. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the woman could not hold back. "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
 
C

Chris

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Oct 21, 2002
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www.caribbetech.com
Real Stories from Alabama

I did two systems consulting gigs in Alabama. The following stories are real.

Came to the site one morning, plugged my laptop into the network and the network immediately applied a set of rules that trashed my laptop. I spoke with the local systems administrator, told him he was wasting their money and my time and please, don't apply their rules to my laptop - As I had new systems loaded on there. He promised to change his network setup and so we went on... but three days lost while I rebuilt my very carefully configured laptop.

Second week - same thing happened, thrashed laptop. I spoke a little louder this time - another three days lost.

Third week - same thing happened, trashed laptop. I called a project meeting and complained bitterly - the systems administrator's answer was - Awe Shucks! Christa, I was just using you as a test pig! We all cracked up laughing and happily hacked their network to pieces from that point onwards - Could not afford to be test pigs for ever.

Second story from Alabama - in a restaurant with a bunch of consultants one day - me, South African, an English fellow, a Canadian,a fellow from Trinidad and an Indian. The server came over and as usual in these parts, asks us: "So Where Y'all From?" We proceeded to tell him one by one and he looked more and more confused as we were speaking. Eventually, he shook his head - "I don't know dem places," he says, "my history is not so good!"

The south is a funny place... Most of the women have only a few teeth. I wonder why?
 
X

XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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A simple "How to" on talking like a Southerner.

1. Cut out unnecessary letters like 'g' in 'ing' words.

2. Use these: gotta, gonna (got to, going to), over yonder (over there), nu-uh (no), fixin ta (getting ready to do something), ya'll (you all).

3. Next thang ya gotta do is slow down. Chew on those words awhile.

4. Now ya havta paint a pichur. Southerners like imagery, similes, and metaphors.

5. When asked "How hot is it?" ya say "It's so hot the hens are layin' hard-boiled eggs."

6. When someone asks, "Get any rain lately?" ya say, "It came a real gully-washer last night" or, "Nu-uh, it's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs."

7. Did ya win the Lottery? Well yur so lucky yur riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels and yur prolly feelin happy as a hog in slops.

8. Someone call ya a dumb blonde? Heck, tell 'em they couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.

9. Tell folks your boss is meaner than a skillet full of rattlesnakes.

10.When yur teenager takes the truck out for a drive try to be calm as a june bug not nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rockers.

11.When yur teenager brings the truck home with the gas tank sucking fumes don't get all worked up and throw a hissy fit.

12.Next time ya go acourtin' tell yur gal she's cute as a possum and makes ya happy as a gopher in soft dirt.

13.Remember, when a Southerner tawks 'bout playin' ball he prolly means football.

14.Ya keep practicin' and quick as a hiccup yur gonna sound like a real Southerner.
 
X

XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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Hickphonics

"The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in by labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI
Noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW
Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD
Verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH
Noun. The State north of Georgia. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER
Noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS
Noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK
Verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE
Noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT
Adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH
Noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL
Noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR
Noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR
Noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE
Noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD
Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT
Noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS
Noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN
Adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."

DID
Adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR
Noun. A colourless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe.... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR Noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE
Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE
Contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

SEED
Verb, past tense of "to see".

VIEW
Contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

GUMMIT
Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
 
Hillbilly

Hillbilly

Moderator
Jan 1, 2002
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POh bubba??

Yo shor ain't lernt yor geawgrafy: Jawjuh is tha state nawth o'
Flow da. dummy!

When all y'all comin' enter town?

HB
 
X

XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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Arkansas Facts.

An Arkansas redneck passed away and left a sizable estate to his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns fourteen.

Folks in Arkansas now go to the movies in groups of 18 or more since they were told that in some theaters "17 and under are not admitted".

The minimum drinking age in Arkansas was raised to age 32 in an attempt to keep alcohol out of high schools.

Reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas are considered documentaries.

You know you are in Arkansas when you call the front desk from your motel room and tell the clerk "I've gotta leak in my sink", and he says, "Go ahead... you paid for the room!"

You can tell if an Arkansas redneck is married. There is tobacco spit on both sides of the pickup truck.

A new lottery system has just started in Arkansas. It pays out $3-million to the lucky winner. $3 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in Little Rock was almost destroyed by fire. In fact, until the governor's wife hitched it up to the governor's TransAm and drove it to the fire station, the entire trailer park was almost lost .

The law in Arkansas was recently changed regarding divorce. Now, after being divorced, the couple are still brother and sister.

The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.

An Arkansas state trooper stopped a redneck in a pickup truck for weaving on the roadway. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The redneck said, "Bout what?"

Tom (aka XR)
 
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JanH

New member
Dec 26, 2002
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XR - As a Kentuckian, I knew what every Hickphonics word was - without reading explanation!

I've heard almost all the jokes on this thread. We Kentuckians tell southern/redneck jokes all of the time - because most are sooo true - and we usually know someone that stupid.

True story last weekend - My son was on geology field trip in eastern KY. They were walking thru the woods when a guy jumps from a deer stand and starts screaming at them and pointing his gun. So, the class left and started their hike on the other side of the property.

This time, they walked past several shacks. As they did, the screened doors opened, and a guy with a shotgun stood there on each porch. Families started coming out and my son said every one of the kids looked inbred (wide set eyes & eyes not same distance from nose).

When the class didn't leave and kept walking down the farm road, these billy-bob's got in one pickup truck and idled behind the kids with their shotguns pointing at them.

Now get this, the instructor wouldn't leave! he said they HAD to finish the project. My son and the others were furious. They'll be out there next week and he asked me to get him a fluorescent orange vest so the deer hunters won't kill him.

what's a mother to do!
 
X

XanaduRanch

*** Sin Bin ***
Sep 15, 2002
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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as

they couldn't afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian

and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a "vasectomy" that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10." The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it works everytime," said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1--2--3--4--5". At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia...

:alien:

Tom aka XR
 
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