I have come to this site because I have a serious dilemma. A few years ago I met a guy who drove me from the Las Americas airport to the carretera for a cheap guagua,because I didn;t want to pay the 30 bucks or so by cab to Santo Domingo. Anyway we got to talking -I needed a beer- and before I knew it I was hanging with his mate and himself in their local colmado in la Caleta and I thought it was absolutely wonderful. They were great guys and gals, of course I paid for the beer, but that was ok. I ended up going back there two months later and bringign them all teeshirts and Yankee shirts. I stayed again with them for a week in La Caleta this time, but rented an apartment in Boca Chica for me to stay in. That was 4 years ago. Now I am involved with the family itself of my friend Juan. But I am a little scared I am in too deep. They were very poor when I met him, and that was a big part of it for me- to help out in some way- so I went to the supermarket and bought them food for a month.( there are 4 kids, Juan and his other half). This I have been doing for years now- he drives a motoconcho so doesn;t make much- she is at home with the kids, the youngest being 4 months. I don't mind helping out because he takes me everywhere on the bike, and she cooks at the house.. but now I am beginning to realize I am in too deep and don;t know how to slow it down. I feel I am going to be doing this for the rest of my life while Juan just coasts alongmaking a few bucks at the parada with other motoconchos ,not pushing himself at all. I rented them a larger house because all of them were in a one room tin-roof hovel sleeping on one bad when I found them. I bought them a brand new fridge freezer because I saw they were leaving food- especially chicken out in the open. I bought them a new stove, because al they had was a two ring estufa de mesa and it was too small. I bought them a washing machine because their other broke. All these things happened in the space of one and half years. It seemed everytime I would go to the DR something else needed fixing. At first I ignored it but am beginnign to think maybe I have been a big old fool. I have fallen for the kids - three gorls, ages 3, 6 and 11, and the 4 month old baby. I bring them clothes, daipers, everything I can carry in two suitcases when ever I come over. I thought I was doing good things and their joy is truly honest when they see the toys and stuff I bring them. Now though- I am feeling worn out and going to the DR is no longer a vacation but a duty- I feel as if they are my kids and my wife/girlfriedn/whatever. Juan is off out ,I believe seeing another girl, or so I am told, and I 'm learnign far more than I need to know. Sometimes 20 texts a day from the esposaon Juan and his cheating and lies.. I feel terrible and want out. But I feel for the kids- and a part of me feels for Juan still too, because he was very different when I first met him- but now I seem to be just a mealticket to all..... it's breaking my heart- the kids call me "mich a el" and cry when I leave to come back to the USA .. so does his other half. I feel like I am her only friend and I feel it is all going to backfire. He still treats me well when I go but I think I have spoiled everybody there with presnts each time I go from Modells and Old navy. And I went 7 times last year and already twice this year... so you see, I have the DR bug bad.....what am I going to do to let them down easily and bring it back under my control?/ I dont want to see them go back to the hovel they were in but a friend at work says they managed before you and they willl manage after you- but that is simply too simplistic for me. I can;t help but think that if he leaves her she has nothing and must fend for herself and the kids with no money. Call me depressed and lost in Queens Ny
- Thread starter amstellite
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Befriending domincans dilemma i need advice badly
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Aint that the truth! Remember, its never too late. You have been generous to a fault and it appears that that has been abused/taken for granted.
Be strong and have the will-power to back off now. It may be tough for you initially but its in your best interests.
My heart breaks for you, I do understand how you got to this point. I also have to say I've followed your story over many months, and I rather expected that this wasn't going to have a good end. My Dominican husband has taught me not to get involved in this sort of thing, because we don't do the poor family a favor by making it too easy. No one can sustain this, they need more and more from the giver, and after awhile the satisfaction of what you're doing out of the goodness of your heart is replaced by resentment as the realization that you've been "had" sinks in. I know it sounds harsh, but you must make it clear that the gravy train is over. It is not your responsibility [or fault] if the husband leaves the wife. Some might call you an 'enabler', and that is never good. Juan needs to be a man and take care of his own family himself. It's time you tell him that.
If you want to let them down easy, agree to send half of what you've been sending for a few months. Tell them whatever story makes them understand it is necessary for you to cut back.
I've met so many DR families over the past 34 years that I wish I could help. We do help some, but never on a programmed basis, always at irregular intervals, in many different ways - but never do we hand over cash to any of them. Immediate family excepted, of course.
Good luck, this is not going to be easy or pleasant for you - stay strong!!!!
AE
If you want to let them down easy, agree to send half of what you've been sending for a few months. Tell them whatever story makes them understand it is necessary for you to cut back.
I've met so many DR families over the past 34 years that I wish I could help. We do help some, but never on a programmed basis, always at irregular intervals, in many different ways - but never do we hand over cash to any of them. Immediate family excepted, of course.
Good luck, this is not going to be easy or pleasant for you - stay strong!!!!
AE
Sometimes you have to be hard. This is a hard country to live in.
say goodbye to them, but change your tlfnumber in the states first. Do not contact them anymore.
Do not call them when you have a couple of beers in your head. That is my advice. I am not trying to be rude.
Good luck.
say goodbye to them, but change your tlfnumber in the states first. Do not contact them anymore.
Do not call them when you have a couple of beers in your head. That is my advice. I am not trying to be rude.
Good luck.
I'm not saying your friend is purposely taking you to the cleaners but he sees you as his "compadre" and will keep on expecting you to take care of him. Therefore, I would only send a nominal amount for the kids every once in a while or send a box with clothes, toys and school supplies a few times a year. If you say you are paying more than you can afford it's only inevitable that you will have to slow down at some point anyway.
You are the master of your own destiny. While this isnt go to be easy for you to follow through, do you really want to land yourself in a bad financial situation with nobody able to extricate you the way you have, them?
For a minute, put yourself first and think about the financial security of your own future.
Hindsight is easy. It is almost always 20-20...
Paternalism/maternalism is the main issue, and the problem is that it can never end. You are the goose and you have golden eggs.
You might, if you have the language skills, tell them that you will be going around to other areas for a while, and not to wait up for you. Tell the girls you love them, and that if they study, you will help them all the time.
Since you visit regularly, you can check on uniforms, note books, learning, school equipment and such, like shoes and sneakers, stuff you can be sure gets to them. If you have any smarts, you can show the female how to use the little money they have wisely, especially since they have a fridge and a good stove. Teach something about nutrition, a subject 99% of Dominicans know little or nothing about.
And lastly get away from there. Go someplace else.
I am fairly sure that in Queens, NY, you do not associate with this level of people. Si why do it here?...Get into Santo Domingo, learn where people congregate and meet new friends...
You will be happier.
HB
Paternalism/maternalism is the main issue, and the problem is that it can never end. You are the goose and you have golden eggs.
You might, if you have the language skills, tell them that you will be going around to other areas for a while, and not to wait up for you. Tell the girls you love them, and that if they study, you will help them all the time.
Since you visit regularly, you can check on uniforms, note books, learning, school equipment and such, like shoes and sneakers, stuff you can be sure gets to them. If you have any smarts, you can show the female how to use the little money they have wisely, especially since they have a fridge and a good stove. Teach something about nutrition, a subject 99% of Dominicans know little or nothing about.
And lastly get away from there. Go someplace else.
I am fairly sure that in Queens, NY, you do not associate with this level of people. Si why do it here?...Get into Santo Domingo, learn where people congregate and meet new friends...
You will be happier.
HB
From your previous posts I can tell that you have a big heart and care deeply, which is why I felt nervous for you when reading your previous posts regarding this family. Your one today confirms to me that you are being taken advantage of. If you have doubts, then they likely are true.
However, it is not too late to change the level of your support without changing the nature. My suggestion to explain that the economic situation in your country is very bad and that you cannot give them the same level of support. You must decide in what way you WANT to support them, and stick to it.
Be prepared with answers to the protests they will have. Be firm, but also be aware that they are dependent on you know. If you decide you can't pay their rent any more, give them enough notice to move out, etc.
I say this as someone who was taken off "madrina" status when the family realized my baptism gift and occasional support of school supplies was not going to be a repeat thing and not to the parents.
When it comes to the kids, follow the Hillbilly method. (I believe it is Hillbilly, right?) He supports two girls in their studies and it has been quite successful from what he has posted. Contributing towards a child's education can be a great investment- just invest wisely.
However, it is not too late to change the level of your support without changing the nature. My suggestion to explain that the economic situation in your country is very bad and that you cannot give them the same level of support. You must decide in what way you WANT to support them, and stick to it.
Be prepared with answers to the protests they will have. Be firm, but also be aware that they are dependent on you know. If you decide you can't pay their rent any more, give them enough notice to move out, etc.
I say this as someone who was taken off "madrina" status when the family realized my baptism gift and occasional support of school supplies was not going to be a repeat thing and not to the parents.
When it comes to the kids, follow the Hillbilly method. (I believe it is Hillbilly, right?) He supports two girls in their studies and it has been quite successful from what he has posted. Contributing towards a child's education can be a great investment- just invest wisely.
I am afraid that would fall on deaf ears! They will never be able to grasp that concept of economics....no matter how the information is conveyed, he (amstellite) will always be viewed as the "have" and they, the "have nots".
PS I think the poster you were referring too in regards to the two little girls and their education was JD Sauser?? (just an aside)
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This is all your fault bro. You tried to be a savior because you had the means and now you cant cut free from all the despair. You want out there is only one way: After all this time you are too invested in Juan s family to just up and leave. He doesnt have to be a provider because YOU ARE. Now your vacations dont feel like vacations anymore they feel like you re doing humanitarian relief. There is no reprieve for the weary mind, right? YOUR FAULT. You cannot change all the things that happen here with a few gifts and so on. Even worse once you gave them a taste of limitless fortune you made it seem as though it were nothing for you to do these things. And now you feel used.
YOU want out? Tell the esposa to give you a piece. Tell her all this shtt cost money and you want a return on your investment. Shoot if it wasnt for you they would be living in a one room shack with probably 2 more kids, getting salmonella and diarrhea from unsafe food storage. There you go, thats the reasons she s bitching to you anyway. "Juans not true, he s cheating on me"(no duh). So what?? Matter of fact tell Juan you want his wife to give you a piece or the gravytrain comes to a complete stop. he wont get offended, he will find a way to pimp out his wife to keep the spigot open. Even offer you get her pg so you ll be obligated to stay. Of course before all this happens they will become indignant and offended and curse you out. They will come to there senses in a day or 2 but you can blow that out of proportion and use that as an excuse to stop being so benevolent. Just an idea, or you can just them off and find another broke family to support. I got one or two or three for you if you have the time.
Amstellite,
i have major respect for what you have done, and you have made this familys life happier, like a godfather figure,
But harsh as it sounds they seemed to cope before you arrived, and after you leave.
I understand what you are doing is right, and sound like a major good samaritan,
there have been numerous suggestions, on how you can still help this family, you have helped them long enough, and now you have given them practically a new life,
i know it hurts but the truth is we cant help everybody, please help yourself before they start being nasty towards you, because they want there paycheck,
numerous examples you can still help are by:
1) Paying for childrens education, or setting up a bank acount and puttin a little away each month, by the time there old enough there may be enough money for univerisity for them.
2) sending them packages, you spent far too much money on 7 "vacations" to look after them.
3) set up an organisation/charity where more people can donate and thus help more familys, and it will cheaper this way.
4) im not to sure what this option is, but....
Please help yourself, they may be lovely people, and yourself too. But please stop letting them take advantage of you,
I know its a very hard decision, but 7 trips in one year!!!
These people may make you feel happy and do what makes you feel happy, but at the end of the day try and achieve something out of your money, be more recognised, help the community, set up a scheme maybe where all children and families from neighbourhood can eat once a day, im not saying you should do any of these options,
but from your story you have left me feeling sorry for you and tears in my eyes, as i know all your trying to do is help,
Just please respect yourself more, and become noticed for what your doing.
With Respect and kind regards
Blackrainbow
i have major respect for what you have done, and you have made this familys life happier, like a godfather figure,
But harsh as it sounds they seemed to cope before you arrived, and after you leave.
I understand what you are doing is right, and sound like a major good samaritan,
there have been numerous suggestions, on how you can still help this family, you have helped them long enough, and now you have given them practically a new life,
i know it hurts but the truth is we cant help everybody, please help yourself before they start being nasty towards you, because they want there paycheck,
numerous examples you can still help are by:
1) Paying for childrens education, or setting up a bank acount and puttin a little away each month, by the time there old enough there may be enough money for univerisity for them.
2) sending them packages, you spent far too much money on 7 "vacations" to look after them.
3) set up an organisation/charity where more people can donate and thus help more familys, and it will cheaper this way.
4) im not to sure what this option is, but....
Please help yourself, they may be lovely people, and yourself too. But please stop letting them take advantage of you,
I know its a very hard decision, but 7 trips in one year!!!
These people may make you feel happy and do what makes you feel happy, but at the end of the day try and achieve something out of your money, be more recognised, help the community, set up a scheme maybe where all children and families from neighbourhood can eat once a day, im not saying you should do any of these options,
but from your story you have left me feeling sorry for you and tears in my eyes, as i know all your trying to do is help,
Just please respect yourself more, and become noticed for what your doing.
With Respect and kind regards
Blackrainbow
There is your answer, if EVERYONE is in the poorhouse(including yourself, you wont be helping anyone out, right? This is your problem bro, If you re religious you are only supposed to give 10%. So take 10% of the 10% of what you earn and put that aside to helping them(which if you re folowing is only 1%) and put that towards helping the children.
You can still help the kids out, by giving appropriate gifts. CHILDREN CLOTHES, WORKBOOKS, FLASH CARDS things like that. When you re here(7x a year) you can pay for the kids to go to the Dr. Parents get nothing, do your Daddy Warbucks routine BUT ONLY FOR THE CHILDREN. AND ONLY IN YOUR PRESENCE. Maybe you put some money into sending them to a private school or english classes or tutoring.
If you want to be altruistic then let go of the material things and go for the educational and egalitarian
This is what you do...you tell them you lost your job. You're not working, the situation is real bad thus I cannot afford to give you the stuff I was giving you, so Mr. Juan you're going to have to pay the rent from now on or move back to where you used to live. Don't go to The DR for a while or if you do do not go near La Caleta (Try north coast or Punta Cana for a change). In other words don't let them know you're there, because if you do visit then they will believe you still have money to travel. They of course will expect that when you get a new job the gravy train will resume, but you will not get this new job in a loooong time and when you do this new job doesn't pay nearly as much as the other one you used to have thus I still cannot send you the money I used to...
I suggest you be careful with the texting back and forth with you and the wife. Trust me Juan could turn on you in a sec if he suspected or thought you're taking her side or even worse that you may be having an affair with her behind his back (even if this is not true).
This approach has worked for me...
I suggest you be careful with the texting back and forth with you and the wife. Trust me Juan could turn on you in a sec if he suspected or thought you're taking her side or even worse that you may be having an affair with her behind his back (even if this is not true).
This approach has worked for me...
And I have one final point to make, opposed to the other posters here. Everyone is saying you should make up some grandiose lie to explain your situation. I say tell them the truth. You have no reason to hide NOR lie. The truth is I cannot continue to subsidize your life at the detriment of my own financial well being. Who cares if they understand or not? I dont understand the Tax Code but I still have to pay taxes. In this issue understand something has nothing to do with accepting it. Tell them the truth. I feel it is not my responsibility to take care of your family. I didnt marry that woman and I didnt create these children. If you need motivational encouragement and moral support, I m here for you but, I cannot finance the fiasco that exists here.
And as for rebuttals why do you need to listen to them at all? What would come of it? Brother you re in risky financial straits what words coming out of their mouth can change that fact?
So in closing, DONT LIE, speak your mind and tell them the truth.
And as for rebuttals why do you need to listen to them at all? What would come of it? Brother you re in risky financial straits what words coming out of their mouth can change that fact?
So in closing, DONT LIE, speak your mind and tell them the truth.
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