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  1. #1
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    Default Befriending domincans dilemma i need advice badly

    I have come to this site because I have a serious dilemma. A few years ago I met a guy who drove me from the Las Americas airport to the carretera for a cheap guagua,because I didn;t want to pay the 30 bucks or so by cab to Santo Domingo. Anyway we got to talking -I needed a beer- and before I knew it I was hanging with his mate and himself in their local colmado in la Caleta and I thought it was absolutely wonderful. They were great guys and gals, of course I paid for the beer, but that was ok. I ended up going back there two months later and bringign them all teeshirts and Yankee shirts. I stayed again with them for a week in La Caleta this time, but rented an apartment in Boca Chica for me to stay in. That was 4 years ago. Now I am involved with the family itself of my friend Juan. But I am a little scared I am in too deep. They were very poor when I met him, and that was a big part of it for me- to help out in some way- so I went to the supermarket and bought them food for a month.( there are 4 kids, Juan and his other half). This I have been doing for years now- he drives a motoconcho so doesn;t make much- she is at home with the kids, the youngest being 4 months. I don't mind helping out because he takes me everywhere on the bike, and she cooks at the house.. but now I am beginning to realize I am in too deep and don;t know how to slow it down. I feel I am going to be doing this for the rest of my life while Juan just coasts alongmaking a few bucks at the parada with other motoconchos ,not pushing himself at all. I rented them a larger house because all of them were in a one room tin-roof hovel sleeping on one bad when I found them. I bought them a brand new fridge freezer because I saw they were leaving food- especially chicken out in the open. I bought them a new stove, because al they had was a two ring estufa de mesa and it was too small. I bought them a washing machine because their other broke. All these things happened in the space of one and half years. It seemed everytime I would go to the DR something else needed fixing. At first I ignored it but am beginnign to think maybe I have been a big old fool. I have fallen for the kids - three gorls, ages 3, 6 and 11, and the 4 month old baby. I bring them clothes, daipers, everything I can carry in two suitcases when ever I come over. I thought I was doing good things and their joy is truly honest when they see the toys and stuff I bring them. Now though- I am feeling worn out and going to the DR is no longer a vacation but a duty- I feel as if they are my kids and my wife/girlfriedn/whatever. Juan is off out ,I believe seeing another girl, or so I am told, and I 'm learnign far more than I need to know. Sometimes 20 texts a day from the esposaon Juan and his cheating and lies.. I feel terrible and want out. But I feel for the kids- and a part of me feels for Juan still too, because he was very different when I first met him- but now I seem to be just a mealticket to all..... it's breaking my heart- the kids call me "mich a el" and cry when I leave to come back to the USA .. so does his other half. I feel like I am her only friend and I feel it is all going to backfire. He still treats me well when I go but I think I have spoiled everybody there with presnts each time I go from Modells and Old navy. And I went 7 times last year and already twice this year... so you see, I have the DR bug bad.....what am I going to do to let them down easily and bring it back under my control?/ I dont want to see them go back to the hovel they were in but a friend at work says they managed before you and they willl manage after you- but that is simply too simplistic for me. I can;t help but think that if he leaves her she has nothing and must fend for herself and the kids with no money. Call me depressed and lost in Queens Ny

  2. #2
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    your friend is right.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by amstellite View Post
    they managed before you and they willl manage after you-
    Aint that the truth! Remember, its never too late. You have been generous to a fault and it appears that that has been abused/taken for granted.

    Be strong and have the will-power to back off now. It may be tough for you initially but its in your best interests.

  4. #4
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    I have a feeling I know what to do but I can;t help thinking of what they will go through.. the kids I mean...but I am spending more than I can afford on all of this now

  5. #5
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    My heart breaks for you, I do understand how you got to this point. I also have to say I've followed your story over many months, and I rather expected that this wasn't going to have a good end. My Dominican husband has taught me not to get involved in this sort of thing, because we don't do the poor family a favor by making it too easy. No one can sustain this, they need more and more from the giver, and after awhile the satisfaction of what you're doing out of the goodness of your heart is replaced by resentment as the realization that you've been "had" sinks in. I know it sounds harsh, but you must make it clear that the gravy train is over. It is not your responsibility [or fault] if the husband leaves the wife. Some might call you an 'enabler', and that is never good. Juan needs to be a man and take care of his own family himself. It's time you tell him that.

    If you want to let them down easy, agree to send half of what you've been sending for a few months. Tell them whatever story makes them understand it is necessary for you to cut back.

    I've met so many DR families over the past 34 years that I wish I could help. We do help some, but never on a programmed basis, always at irregular intervals, in many different ways - but never do we hand over cash to any of them. Immediate family excepted, of course.

    Good luck, this is not going to be easy or pleasant for you - stay strong!!!!

    AE

  6. #6
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    Sometimes you have to be hard. This is a hard country to live in.

    say goodbye to them, but change your tlfnumber in the states first. Do not contact them anymore.

    Do not call them when you have a couple of beers in your head. That is my advice. I am not trying to be rude.

    Good luck.

  7. #7
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    I'm not saying your friend is purposely taking you to the cleaners but he sees you as his "compadre" and will keep on expecting you to take care of him. Therefore, I would only send a nominal amount for the kids every once in a while or send a box with clothes, toys and school supplies a few times a year. If you say you are paying more than you can afford it's only inevitable that you will have to slow down at some point anyway.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by amstellite View Post
    but I am spending more than I can afford on all of this now
    You are the master of your own destiny. While this isnt go to be easy for you to follow through, do you really want to land yourself in a bad financial situation with nobody able to extricate you the way you have, them?

    For a minute, put yourself first and think about the financial security of your own future.

  9. #9
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    thank you all - I have some serious thinking to do

  10. #10
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    thnaks to all - I know what you say is the right thing to do.

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