Little Johnny thread (adult)

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Gringo

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I am a life long fan of little Johnny Jokes and I thought that maybe some of you other's would share you favorite. I have a tie for my favorite that I will add later.

Here it is

Mother was speaking to father about little Johnny and little Jimmy and the terrible language they have been using. Mother said that she should could not take it anymore.

Father said "Well we have tried it your way and now we will try it my way, the problem will be over tonight."

Later at dinner mother asked little Jimmy what he wanted on his plate.

Jimmy replied I would some chicken, mashed potatoes Oh and some of those ****ing peas.

Father exploded out of his chair, he lifted little Jimmy out of his chair shook him around a little bit screamed at him and threw him back into his chair.

Father then looked at little Johnny with murder in his eyes and asked him what he wanted on his plate.

With fear in his eyes Johnny looked at his whimpering brother, pointed a shaky finger towards the table and said.

Well, you can bet your ass I don't want any of those ****ing peas.
 
C

Chirimoya

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Dec 9, 2002
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Little Johnny was in the habit of picking his nose and eating his bogies. His mother told him to stop again and again, but to no avail.
Finally she tried scare tactics: "If you go on eating your bogies all the time your stomach will blow up like a huge balloon!"
Later that day little Johnny and his mother took the bus into town. They sat down in front of a heavily pregnant woman. Little Johnny gave her a sly look and said "I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING!"
 
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Gringo

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Black Eye.

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."

"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.

Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad
said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face." :eek:
 
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Gringo

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This a bad one,,,,soo look away

The teacher had a major problem
She was working with her first graders matching letters with words.

She would announce a letter of the alphabet and then pick a student to come up with a word.

Little Johny was waving his hand with every letter she announced, knowing his penchant for profanity she kept avoiding him

She finally go to the letter "R" and could not think of any nasty word that began with the letter "R" so she called on little Johny.

Little Johny sprang up for his chair and said
my word for the letter "R" is rat R.A.T. he spelled out

Thank goodness the teacher thought to herself as she sighed with relief.

The Johny said " A big ****ing Rat with a dick as long as my arm
 
G

Gringo

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The teacher was trying to teach the kids about logic. So she asked the question, "If there's 5 birds sitting on a fence and you throw a rock at one of them and it flies away, how many are left?"

Little Johnny answers, "None, because when you throw the rock they'll all fly away."

The teacher answers, "No, Johnny, the answer is 4. But I like the way you're thinking."

So, in turn, Little Johnny says to the teacher that he has his own logic problem. Though she's apprehensive, the teacher lets him ask it.

Johhny then says, "There are three ladies eating ice cream cones. One is sucking the top of the ice cream, one is licking the ice cream and the other one is biting the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher is obviously flustered about it, but tries to remain calm. After considering it a moment, she answers calmly, "The one sucking the ice cream."

Little Johnny answers, "No, it's the one with the ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking."
 
Hlywud

Hlywud

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Jan 1, 2002
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Member of DR1 since 2002
www.beyondthebeach.ca
The teacher had a major problem
She was working with her sixth graders matching words with letters.

She would announce a word and then pick a student to spell it and give a sentence with the word in it.

Little Johny was waving his hand with every word she announced, knowing his penchant for profanity she kept avoiding him.

Finally she gave in and said to Little Johny, ok your word is facinate.


Little Johny promply said facinate......f...a...c...i...n...a....t...e.. facinate.

Very good Johny said the teacher, now can you put it in a sentence.


Little Johny said very quickly, "Sure I can"

"My aunt Gina's tits are so big that when she buttons up her sweater she can only fasten eight"
 
E

ExtremeR

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Mar 22, 2006
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Gringo said:
The teacher was trying to teach the kids about logic. So she asked the question, "If there's 5 birds sitting on a fence and you throw a rock at one of them and it flies away, how many are left?"

Little Johnny answers, "None, because when you throw the rock they'll all fly away."

The teacher answers, "No, Johnny, the answer is 4. But I like the way you're thinking."

So, in turn, Little Johnny says to the teacher that he has his own logic problem. Though she's apprehensive, the teacher lets him ask it.

Johhny then says, "There are three ladies eating ice cream cones. One is sucking the top of the ice cream, one is licking the ice cream and the other one is biting the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher is obviously flustered about it, but tries to remain calm. After considering it a moment, she answers calmly, "The one sucking the ice cream."

Little Johnny answers, "No, it's the one with the ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking."
Click to expand...

That's the best one bar none hahaha.
 
R

rice&beans

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May 16, 2010
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Little Johnny Adds To The Picture...



It was Friday morning, and that meant it was time for an activity that the teacher called Add To The Picture.

The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.

The teacher called on Josh to start things off.


<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/51418611@N05/5106769346/" title="johnnie1 by bocachica64, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1364/5106769346_87d5f5e72e.jpg" width="470" height="340" alt="johnnie1" /></a>

Josh returned to his seat.

The teacher called on Erik next.


<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/51418611@N05/5106770392/" title="johnnie2 by bocachica64, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1318/5106770392_995d3eea02.jpg" width="470" height="340" alt="johnnie2" /></a>

Erik returned to his seat.

Now it was Rachel's turn.


<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/51418611@N05/5106771242/" title="johnnie3 by bocachica64, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4148/5106771242_cf4057d423.jpg" width="470" height="340" alt="johnnie3" /></a>

Rachel returned to her seat.

Next, the teacher called Joe to the board


<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/51418611@N05/5106175887/" title="johnnie4 by bocachica64, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4111/5106175887_8813e7d940.jpg" width="470" height="340" alt="johnnie4" /></a>

Joe returned to his seat.

Angela was called to the board.


<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/51418611@N05/5106176707/" title="johnnie5 by bocachica64, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1167/5106176707_936c912cd3.jpg" width="470" height="340" alt="johnnie5" /></a>

Angela returned to her seat.

About this time, little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically. Little Johnny was well known for being dirty-minded, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything.

But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way that little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty.

So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard.


<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/51418611@N05/5106177519/" title="johnnie6 by bocachica64, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4151/5106177519_3374d1d146.jpg" width="470" height="340" alt="johnnie6" /></a>
 
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Gringo

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One day the teacher walked to the back of the classroom where Little Johnny was and he had his hand down his pants.

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home," said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to the classroom and sat back down.

The teacher came to the back of the room again and Johnny had his pants unzipped and was hanging out for all the world to see.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!!"

Johnny replied, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."
 
BermudaRum

BermudaRum

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Oct 9, 2007
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
 
BermudaRum

BermudaRum

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That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.

Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!"
 
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Gringo

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Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag.

She reaches her hand in it and says to the class ?It?s round, it?s got a stem and it?s got a leaf. What is it??

Little Johnny raises his hand and says ?It?s an apple, it?s an apple!!?

?Very good,? says the teacher.

Little Johnny then says ?Now let me give you one.?

He reaches his hand in his pocket and says ?It?s round, it?s hard and it?s got a head. What is it??

The teacher says ?Oh Johnny, that?s gross!?

Little Johnny says ?No it?s a quarter, but I like the way you think!?
 
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Gringo

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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father.
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?'
I said '6'
'But that's right!'
'Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'
'What's the ****ing difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
 
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Gringo

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Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask a shrink what to do.
The shrink said that since Christmas was coming he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring, but tell Johnny that if he swore Santa would leave a pile of dog **** in place of gifts.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted from Santa.

Johnny said, 'I want a god-damned teddy-bear laying right ****in' here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.
Then when I go downstairs I want to see a mother****in' train going around the god-damned tree,
and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed ****in' bike leaning up against the damn garage!'

Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog ****.
Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog **** around the Christmas tree.
Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog **** by the garage.

When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, 'So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?'
Johnny replied, 'I think I got a god-damned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch.'
 
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Gringo

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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like ****!"

Then I would say, "It is ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
th6189d1159476000-i-have-turd-smiley.gif
 
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Gringo

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: Side Pain

At Sunday school, they were teaching how G~d created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I am going to have a wife."
 
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