Advice wanted -

BNuts · Dec 15, 2010

So I've been down here for a year and a half. I've dealt with the bad girls here and seen the street smarts in action. I'll say that their game isn't bad but it's bush league compared to what an educated U.S. woman will do to some poor guy. I met a girl about a year ago. Overall, she's nice, she takes good care of the house, her family is educated and decent, etc. But I've had a few Dominican bumps. The kind where it is assumed that all U.S. citizens are billionaires because they watch too much T.V. here in the D.R. They don't realize that the cost of living is relevant to where you live. I've had one of her relatives try to charge me a grand for something that was easily obtainable for under 200. I thought that was pretty slimy but it's also biz as usual down here for the gringo. I've had her lie to me one time that I'm aware of about buying things for her relatives and she used a not so nice word to describe me once. We have our weekly couple headbutting exercise as she, in typical woman fashion, says she wants to run the show and I put her back in her place (I'm not violent, I just tell her how it is, i.e. if she doesn't like it I can move on.) She seems to respond well to a firm hand and goes a little nuts if I don't let her know who's doing the driving. Again, normal for any woman I've dated in my 40 plus years of living. She's a younger girl and yes I know the game and the stats fellows and at best it's a risk. However, I've got a kid on the way, yes I'm 99% sure it's mine and yes I want a child that I'm more than willing to support and raise. Now, it's obvious I have doubts but I also have some questions that I could use some help with before I decide what to do next. I could be reading into things that just aren't there but I'd rather take a beating hear and if possible avoid some bad decisions.

1. Why would a woman here tell me that she wants a civil wedding and then after a year or two, a wedding in a church? I assume there are some legal reasons but I don't know.
2. She's agreed to a prenuptial agreement here. How well do they stand up in court?
3. She will only consent to signing the prenuptial and marriage after the child is born. She says it's because she wants a wedding dress without a baby bump. OK, but is there any other reason that I should be aware of?
4. If things don't work out, what am I looking at in terms of child support or child custody preferably. She's not a pro and has a respectable/professional family. So what am I up against.

Please help, I don't mind hard criticism as long as it comes with some valid experience and advice. If there is anyone out there who actually has a successful Dominican relationship and has dealt with similar issues I'd like to chat if possible. If anyone sees any serious issues where I could be hammered, i.e. should I run like hell, and can back it up, I would appreciate the info as well. Any helpful advice is appreciated even if you want to lump me in with the Galactically Stupid.

Thank you

LindseyKaufman · Dec 15, 2010

I don't usually read this forum and certainly avoid giving advice when it comes to love. However, what I can say is time will be your best friend. I would not rush into marriage. If this woman is the one, she will still be the one when you work out these bumps.

I imagine that your relationship has a better chance of survival if you can resolve any issues you may have before you marry. Problems usually get worse, not better, after people get married. Finally, it is far easier to withdraw from a relationship before the knot is tied than after.

If, when you consider this woman or marriage, you have one tiny bit of doubt, then don't get married.

Lindsey

Eddy · Dec 15, 2010

BNuts said:
1. Why would a woman here tell me that she wants a civil wedding and then after a year or two, a wedding in a church? I assume there are some legal reasons but I don't know.
2. She's agreed to a prenuptial agreement here. How well do they stand up in court?
3. She will only consent to signing the prenuptial and marriage after the child is born. She says it's because she wants a wedding dress without a baby bump. OK, but is there any other reason that I should be aware of?
4. If things don't work out, what am I looking at in terms of child support or child custody preferably. She's not a pro and has a respectable/professional family. So what am I up against.

Thank you

Any $$$ you bring from outside is yours. Anything you acquire here is theirs.
Tell her that she doesn't need a wedding dress for the civil part. That's when you need the pre-nupt. She can have her church wedding after the baby is born, in her nice dress and wthout the bump.

My Q is why would a "nice" girl want a baby before you got married?

BTW.,once the baby is born you're screwed.

GEF girl · Dec 15, 2010

Dont marry anyone whose family expects items or $$$ from you

BNuts · Dec 15, 2010

Eddy said:
BTW.,once the baby is born you're screwed.

Why? If I want the kid, why am I screwed, I'm not being facetious. I'm asking what I'm up against down here and why. I'm actually the one that wanted a kid my first turns 18 shortly and like I siad, if things don't work out, I'll support my child. I Thank you for the reply.

DMV123 · Dec 15, 2010

GEF girl said:
Dont marry anyone whose family expects items or $$$ from you

In that case no one would EVER get married here!!!

Seriously you need to manage the friends and family and train them. Simple NO works wonders.

To the OP it sounds to me like you can also use some good legal advice. Just being together ( I assume you live together) for a period of time can give her leverage. That prenup is needed sooner rather then later.

We can give you our opinions and experience but you need to get good legal advice from a reputable law firm. Check out Guzman Ariza!

BNuts · Dec 15, 2010

I've had the prenuptial agreement drawn up already for simple separation of assets. The woman has no problem signing it after the child is here, my question is why wait? It just struck me as odd that she would want to wait only after she read over the agreement and spoke with her family. Is she wanting to grab an apartment full of furniture, etc. I don't know so I'm asking. I've read Ley No. 136-03 Codigo para la proteccion de los derechos de los Ninos, Ninas y Adolesentes. It's my understanding that there is no formula for determining child support amounts and that it is up to the judge. It's also my understanding that they can keep you from leaving the country unless you provide 1 year of child support in advance. I understand that once the child is here and I've been confirmed as the father, I'm on the hook. I understand that failure to pay the established child support can get you locked up for 2 years. Also while I respect the law firm mentioned here, I would like to hear from those who have actual experience as a foreigner dealing with these types of issues where there is no financial gain for the type of advice given. Anyone who's had to put that prenuptial agreement to the test would be GREAT!!!!! Now the issues mentioned above are scary enough without the other risks or concerns that a man might have in being with a woman here. And while I can and will provide for the child, I'd like to avoid being blind sided with what I don't know or raped unfairly in a foreign court. So please I appreciate the advice, even if it's harsh and I would really appreciate anyone who's had actual experience jumping in and saying a few words.
Thanks again ---

Bronxboy · Dec 15, 2010

BNuts said:
So please I appreciate the advice, even if it's harsh

I say why go thru all this man?

You seem like you are not sure and that is a BAD sign already!!!!!

RacerX · Dec 15, 2010

BNuts said:
I've had the prenuptial agreement drawn up already for simple separation of assets. The woman has no problem signing it after the child is here, my question is why wait? It just struck me as odd that she would want to wait only after she read over the agreement and spoke with her family. Is she wanting to grab an apartment full of furniture, etc. I don't know so I'm asking. I've read Ley No. 136-03 Codigo para la proteccion de los derechos de los Ninos, Ninas y Adolesentes. It's my understanding that there is no formula for determining child support amounts and that it is up to the judge. It's also my understanding that they can keep you from leaving the country unless you provide 1 year of child support in advance. I understand that once the child is here and I've been confirmed as the father, I'm on the hook. I understand that failure to pay the established child support can get you locked up for 2 years. Also while I respect the law firm mentioned here, I would like to hear from those who have actual experience as a foreigner dealing with these types of issues where there is no financial gain for the type of advice given. Anyone who's had to put that prenuptial agreement to the test would be GREAT!!!!! Now the issues mentioned above are scary enough without the other risks or concerns that a man might have in being with a woman here. And while I can and will provide for the child, I'd like to avoid being blind sided with what I don't know or raped unfairly in a foreign court. So please I appreciate the advice, even if it's harsh and I would really appreciate anyone who's had actual experience jumping in and saying a few words.
Thanks again ---

I dispute much of this information you listed. As I hear it, child support is $40/month/child. Most women dont get it, because most men dont have jobs nor the nominal income to pay it consistently.

If I were you(and I m not so its just spit-balling from my side of the room), I wouldnt bother with the marriage, nor the prenupt(after all who really cares? If she comes with nothing and leaves with a 21" TV, what were you going to do with it?). For all intents and purposes, if you were seen with her more than 3 times, you are her boyfriend. When she bears your child, she is your wife, papers or not. And since the premise of common law marriage exists culturally but not legally in this country, I think it will be better for your in the long run.

The only benefit I see from marriage for you is if you wanted to bring her back to the country you came from.

greydread · Dec 15, 2010

RacerX said:
The only benefit I see from marriage for you is if you wanted to bring her back to the country you came from.

What he said. When in Rome...

bob saunders · Dec 15, 2010

RacerX said:
I dispute much of this information you listed. As I hear it, child support is $40/month/child. Most women dont get it, because most men dont have jobs nor the nominal income to pay it consistently.

If I were you(and I m not so its just spit-balling from my side of the room), I wouldnt bother with the marriage, nor the prenupt(after all who really cares? If she comes with nothing and leaves with a 21" TV, what were you going to do with it?). For all intents and purposes, if you were seen with her more than 3 times, you are her boyfriend. When she bears your child, she is your wife, papers or not. And since the premise of common law marriage exists culturally but not legally in this country, I think it will be better for your in the long run.

The only benefit I see from marriage for you is if you wanted to bring her back to the country you came from.

Never though I'd agree with RacerX but I think what he says here is advice my Dominican wife would give. We got married so she could move to Canada, we may still have got married but it would have waited. I suspect she wants to wait for the child to be born to use the child as a firmer hold on you. If you declare the child as yours and arrange for US citizenship this counts as a huge thing in the mind of Dominicans because it give the child options, that can eventually help the mother if your relationship fails.

pkaide1 · Dec 15, 2010

BNuts said:
So I've been down here for a year and a half. I've dealt with the bad girls here and seen the street smarts in action. I'll say that their game isn't bad but it's bush league compared to what an educated U.S. woman will do to some poor guy. I met a girl about a year ago. Overall, she's nice, she takes good care of the house, her family is educated and decent, etc. But I've had a few Dominican bumps. The kind where it is assumed that all U.S. citizens are billionaires because they watch too much T.V. here in the D.R. They don't realize that the cost of living is relevant to where you live. I've had one of her relatives try to charge me a grand for something that was easily obtainable for under 200. I thought that was pretty slimy but it's also biz as usual down here for the gringo. I've had her lie to me one time that I'm aware of about buying things for her relatives and she used a not so nice word to describe me once. We have our weekly couple headbutting exercise as she, in typical woman fashion, says she wants to run the show and I put her back in her place (I'm not violent, I just tell her how it is, i.e. if she doesn't like it I can move on.) She seems to respond well to a firm hand and goes a little nuts if I don't let her know who's doing the driving. Again, normal for any woman I've dated in my 40 plus years of living. She's a younger girl and yes I know the game and the stats fellows and at best it's a risk. However, I've got a kid on the way, yes I'm 99% sure it's mine and yes I want a child that I'm more than willing to support and raise. Now, it's obvious I have doubts but I also have some questions that I could use some help with before I decide what to do next. I could be reading into things that just aren't there but I'd rather take a beating hear and if possible avoid some bad decisions.

1. Why would a woman here tell me that she wants a civil wedding and then after a year or two, a wedding in a church? I assume there are some legal reasons but I don't know.
2. She's agreed to a prenuptial agreement here. How well do they stand up in court?
3. She will only consent to signing the prenuptial and marriage after the child is born. She says it's because she wants a wedding dress without a baby bump. OK, but is there any other reason that I should be aware of?
4. If things don't work out, what am I looking at in terms of child support or child custody preferably. She's not a pro and has a respectable/professional family. So what am I up against.

Please help, I don't mind hard criticism as long as it comes with some valid experience and advice. If there is anyone out there who actually has a successful Dominican relationship and has dealt with similar issues I'd like to chat if possible. If anyone sees any serious issues where I could be hammered, i.e. should I run like hell, and can back it up, I would appreciate the info as well. Any helpful advice is appreciated even if you want to lump me in with the Galactically Stupid.

Thank you

If you are having all these issues why to get married. If money is such an issue marrying her, you can have prostitute for a better price.

BNuts · Dec 15, 2010

bob saunders said:
Never though I'd agree with RacerX but I think what he says here is advice my Dominican wife would give. We got married so she could move to Canada, we may still have got married but it would have waited. I suspect she wants to wait for the child to be born to use the child as a firmer hold on you. If you declare the child as yours and arrange for US citizenship this counts as a huge thing in the mind of Dominicans because it give the child options, that can eventually help the mother if your relationship fails.

Thanks Bob, this is a perspective that just wouldn't occur to me because of my culture. Marriage or no marriage, I will not sign a thing until after a DNA test to be 100% sure the child is mine, after that I'm going to make sure he or she has every opportunity I can provide. But you make a good point about Dominican culture. They raise their kids here to take care of the parents and grandparents. While I like the fact that family is a priority here. Supporting family members is not what I'm here for. I've made it a point to spell that out to her. In my culture, a responsible mother or father doesn't financially burden their children and a family member doesn't ask unless it's an emergency and the money is always returned. Here, you might as well call it a gift because you will never see it again. I see this as a very selfish side of Dominican culture. Yes, I also know it happens in the U.S. at times. I know I shouldn't apply my own values but Dam - However, I explained I'd be happy to help her family if she wanted to get a job and send an equivalent amount of her money to mine. Oddly enough, the request for money for the family stopped. Women are women everywhere. They're fine spending your money in the name of a good cause but if you ask them to spend theirs -hahahahhaha

BNuts · Dec 15, 2010

pkaide1 said:
If you are having all these issues why to get married. If money is such an issue marrying her, you can have prostitute for a better price.

Can't dispute this. In my humble opinion, all women practice this art to one degree or another. I can't remember one date outside of college or highschool where the woman didn't nudge the conversation to what I do for a living or size me up by the car that I drive and even in school social status and the car was a major factor in determining the number of available women. For some odd reason, I would get second dates a lot more when I drove my BMW vs. when I would pick my date up in my KIA. I think part of it is just instinct for a woman, that looking for the provider thing. It's in their genetic makeup. Sorry for any ladies reading this but you know dam well it's true. A man is judged by wealth and social status primarily and by his physical appearance only after the first two are taken into consideration. But a profesional with no strings attached is always, hands down, the cheaper option. It doesn't take a genious to do the math.

Bronxboy · Dec 15, 2010

BNuts said:
Can't dispute this. In my humble opinion, all women practice this art to one degree or another. I can't remember one date outside of college or highschool where the woman didn't nudge the conversation to what I do for a living or size me up by the car that I drive and even in school social status and the car was a major factor in determining the number of available women. For some odd reason, I would get second dates a lot more when I drove my BMW vs. when I would pick my date up in my KIA. I think part of it is just instinct for a woman, that looking for the provider thing. It's in their genetic makeup. Sorry for any ladies reading this but you know dam well it's true. A man is judged by wealth and social status primarily and by his physical appearance only after the first two are taken into consideration. But a profesional with no strings attached is always, hands down, the cheaper option. It doesn't take a genious to do the math.

Some of the statements you make are true BUT if you have no gift of gab, no amount of money, cars, or what you do for a living will matter. The classiest of women would never care what you have. They care what comes out of your mouth. After that, the money comes in handy!!!

I know many men who can't pick up any women and have all the luxuries money can buy. They end up going to DR or other sex tourism countries to get laid or end up using escort services where they live. It is sad when a man, who has it all, can not pick up a lady because he does not know how to approach or talk to them!!!!!:ermm:

Africaida · Dec 15, 2010

Thanks Papi Bronxboy

, I refrained to post in this thread as it would stir away from the OP's question....

Shiraz72 · Dec 15, 2010

It sounds to me like you're doing things backwards. If you had doubts about the validity of your relationship and the integrity of your woman and her family then it would have been wise to use precautions and weigh those risks or asked those questions before making a baby. It's too late for that advice now to do you any good since there's already a baby on the way. I'd advise you though, that you have that paternity test before making any acknowledgments that the child is yours or getting married and then if it's yours the reality is that you will have to provide for that child's future and that means being involved with the mother and her family. I would comment from my experience as a single mother having raised my children on my own, that it takes more than financial assistance to raise a healthy well balanced child and it's been a real struggle for me to provide the emotional support my children need. I'd say that if this child is yours and you plan on bringing him/her to live in your country of origin then the decision to get legally married or not will be a factor to consider. If you plan to live in DR and raise your child there, then your child can apply for citizenship in your country of origin when he or she is of age.

POPNYChic · Dec 15, 2010

if youre second-guessing the whole relationship, and you are, clearly, then why the hell would you seriously consider marriage? bells are ringing. signs are everywhere and youre here asking "should i do it? is she trustworthy?" if you dont think she is and have to ask US...the answer is no. and no. and no. wth.

BNuts · Dec 15, 2010

Bronxboy said:
Some of the statements you make are true BUT if you have no gift of gab, no amount of money, cars, or what you do for a living will matter. The classiest of women would never care what you have. They care what comes out of your mouth. After that, the money comes in handy!!!

I know many men who can't pick up any women and have all the luxuries money can buy. They end up going to DR or other sex tourism countries to get laid or end up using escort services where they live. It is sad when a man, who has it all, can not pick up a lady because he does not know how to approach or talk to them!!!!!:ermm:

I haven't really gotten any hard answers to my question so this thread might as well get derailed - the gift of GAB. I'll tell you what, you take your gift of gab and I'll pull up in my BMW wearing a thousand dollar suit and we'll see who leaves with the women. I'm well aware of what women say they want in a man. I'm also well aware of the reality. But for the sake of argument - here is another point of view.

Retired psychology professor C. George Boeree observes "While men find youth and physical form most attractive, women tend to look for indications of success, solvency, and savoir-faire." Though women in modern times often provide for themselves, and don't necessarily need a man to bring home the paycheck, sociobiology suggests women may be instinctively attracted to men who can nurture them while they are pregnant, and provide for their offspring.

There are a million women screaming they want sensitive and caring guys and that money isn't important. I once had a bet with my friend. I took two different photos of myself and created two separate profiles on an a major Internet dating site. In profile 1 I was very wealthy and had photos of me with my house and car or on expensive vacations. I was an absolute ass when describing how a woman should worship me. In profile 2 I was a janitor who spent my spare time with orphans and preached my need for a solid woman who wanted a family. What profile do you think got the most requests for a date? Hmmmm gift of gab my ass. You might have a little rap for some stupid chick but she'll drop your ass as soon as she realizes you're full of crap. Gift of gab - hahahhahhahaaaa Dude hahahahhahahhaaaaa

Bronxboy · Dec 15, 2010

BNuts said:
Hmmmm gift of gab my ass. You might have a little rap for some stupid chick but she'll drop your ass as soon as she realizes you're full of crap. Gift of gab - hahahhahhahaaaa Dude hahahahhahahhaaaaa

Are you referring to me with this comment?

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