For Sale: slightly used "Alternative" Bible.
Description: Old Testament: god creates the universe and despite some hick-cups, takes the creation as serious business. But then Satan pretends to be a snake and trolls Eve, telling her ?Apple or GTFO? (because she was already showing her tits and the push-up bra hadn?t been invented yet). She chooses the former and then her and her ?sleep-over? partner, Adam, get kicked out of Eden for playing doctor and nurse. Then a lot of incest occurs and we get a very violent, destructive race of people in what we know today as the human race (which explains a lot, really).
Later, god gets ****ed off about a pharaoh pawning the Jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway and opens up the sea so that the Jews can run through, closing it behind them and drowning thousands of people. Good Lord!
New Testament: god finds Mary sleeping and just sticks the tip of his ?Magic Wand? in and drops some fluid seeds. Nine months later, Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday, god gives Jesus even more cheat codes than he gave to Moses, plus a password for eternity.
Later, Jesus becomes more or less what would be described today as a Rastafarian and starts schooling his fellow Jews hard, giving them lots of homework to do, but they take no heed. They in turn, get ****ed off at Jesus and nail him upside down to a wooden cross using nine inch nails. fortunately, they didn?t realize that Jesus had his cheat codes to the universe in his pocket and his God Mode (GM) button turned on just in case an unpleasant situation such as this should ever arise. He waits three days and pushes his God Mode (GM) button?which is really just the preliminary hybrid version to the modern day ?Flux Capacitor? that Michael J. Fox employs in Back to the Future to escape Islamic terrorists. After that, three more guys tell the same story, and then a ?closet homosexual? by the name of Paul wrote a lot of crap about how sex is bad for you, evil, dirty, nasty, and some other stuff that Jesus never said but, everyone listens to Paul because, well, let?s face it, we humans are a pretty gullible race of stupidity, indoctrination, bad logic and extreme brain-washing which we subject our children to?which, explains a lot, really.
To summarize: This "alternative" Bible goes into painstaking detail about a Jewish zombie who was his own father, who can make you live forever if you ?symbolically? eat his flesh and drink his blood and telepathically tell him you accept him as your savior, so that he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman--named Eve--was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a ?magical? tree?yeah makes perfect sense. Willing to trade for something of equal value.
Frank
Description: Old Testament: god creates the universe and despite some hick-cups, takes the creation as serious business. But then Satan pretends to be a snake and trolls Eve, telling her ?Apple or GTFO? (because she was already showing her tits and the push-up bra hadn?t been invented yet). She chooses the former and then her and her ?sleep-over? partner, Adam, get kicked out of Eden for playing doctor and nurse. Then a lot of incest occurs and we get a very violent, destructive race of people in what we know today as the human race (which explains a lot, really).
Later, god gets ****ed off about a pharaoh pawning the Jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway and opens up the sea so that the Jews can run through, closing it behind them and drowning thousands of people. Good Lord!
New Testament: god finds Mary sleeping and just sticks the tip of his ?Magic Wand? in and drops some fluid seeds. Nine months later, Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday, god gives Jesus even more cheat codes than he gave to Moses, plus a password for eternity.
Later, Jesus becomes more or less what would be described today as a Rastafarian and starts schooling his fellow Jews hard, giving them lots of homework to do, but they take no heed. They in turn, get ****ed off at Jesus and nail him upside down to a wooden cross using nine inch nails. fortunately, they didn?t realize that Jesus had his cheat codes to the universe in his pocket and his God Mode (GM) button turned on just in case an unpleasant situation such as this should ever arise. He waits three days and pushes his God Mode (GM) button?which is really just the preliminary hybrid version to the modern day ?Flux Capacitor? that Michael J. Fox employs in Back to the Future to escape Islamic terrorists. After that, three more guys tell the same story, and then a ?closet homosexual? by the name of Paul wrote a lot of crap about how sex is bad for you, evil, dirty, nasty, and some other stuff that Jesus never said but, everyone listens to Paul because, well, let?s face it, we humans are a pretty gullible race of stupidity, indoctrination, bad logic and extreme brain-washing which we subject our children to?which, explains a lot, really.
To summarize: This "alternative" Bible goes into painstaking detail about a Jewish zombie who was his own father, who can make you live forever if you ?symbolically? eat his flesh and drink his blood and telepathically tell him you accept him as your savior, so that he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman--named Eve--was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a ?magical? tree?yeah makes perfect sense. Willing to trade for something of equal value.
Frank
