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  1. #1
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    Default Do you laugh, cry or just get plain mad??

    I have lived here for 8 years and something happened the other day that brought up all my frustration with a certain type of behavior I and some of my ex-pat friends have experienced. I do see the funny side of course and I do in most try to be tolerant of it because after all I am in their country, but at times I could quite happily throttle some of them. I am sure some of you have some similar stories to the following:-

    1) Just recently I was contacted by my sister-in-law saying she would like to throw me a baby shower, but could i please bring the food and drink. I though that was a bit funny but the thought was there to do something nice for me and I of course said yes as they dont have alot of money. Anyway we went and passed a ok afternoon, most of those that where invited were family that i know quite well. I was actually quite surprised to receive presents from them, nothing grand but booties, blankets, socks and clothes most of all very sweet. At the end of the day all the women were sorting all the presents and putting them in different piles, they were then divided against all the women with small babies and they took them home!! I didnt so much as get a pair of socks!! Is this normal???

    2)My husbands niece told me she was pregnant and having a girl and did I have any of my daughters old things she had grown out of, I said I was sorry but my daughter was now 3 years old and all the baby stuff I had for her I had already given away to people already and had only saved the larger items such as beds, prams and high chairs for the future, but alas all the clothes had gone. A week later i received a text asking when she could come a pick all the "big" stuff up, I said i didnt understand and she reminded me that I had said I only had the big stuff left and no clothes. I explained I think she had got the wrong end of the stick and that yes I had those items left but i didnt say she could have them as we may have more children and sorry if i misled her. She whined and moaned and huffed and puffed, until i eventually said she could have the cot as actually it was time my daughter went in a proper bed and allthough it cost me alot of money I felt as though i should help (Am such a soft touch).
    She sent her brother to pick it up in his truck, I also sent the mattress,sheets, blankets, bumper cushion and matress protector with it. I recieved no thank you phonecall or even a text message, allthough she did visit a week later and said with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp..."You didnt send the mosquito net!!"

    3) My husbands mum and dad decided living in the country was too isolating and now they are in their mid seventies moving nearer all their children in the town of Higuey was better for them. We had a large spare room with en-suite at the time and it was offered to them which they gladly accepted. We spent a fortune on new bed, curtains, towels, fans, television, linens, pillows...you name it, we bought it. Anyway after about 3 months Dad decided he missed the country and his friends and also felt he was in top physical condition anymore as he was being too lazy and they wanted to go back. No problem, we just wanted them to be happy. The truck came and I let my husband and the family get on with loading all their bits a bobs and after they had left I went to clean the room and strip the beds etc....well the room was empty, not so much as a curtain pole was left in the room!! I called my husband and he laughed at me when I expressed my dismay, he said "Baby,No they didnt ask, but they are my parents, they dont have too"

    Would love to hear of any similar stories just to maybe assure me I am not alone or just plain uptight!

    Is being white a good enough reason for people to do this, can we say "oh but they just dont know any better" and that be a good enough reason??

  2. #2
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    Moral of the story if you marry into poverty this is what you can expect, because after all "you're rich" so why should they feel bad if they take advantage of your generosity...

    BTW I'm Dominican and they do the same $hit to me as well...because again after all "I'm rich" since I live and work in The US, sooo...oh well I'm sure you get the gist.

  3. #3
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    Eso se llama mal educaccion. This happens a lot in DR. Dominicans expect that just because you are better off you should give them things you have. I remember my cousins telling me everytime I would visit, the very first day I would get in the country: "Esos tenis no llegan a NY". Its mainly 3 things:

    1. They can't afford the things you have.
    2. Son unos mal educados.
    3. They know that if they don't ask you for your stuff, someone else will.

    I think you should stand your ground. Don't be afraid to speak up, to your husbands niece you were very clear, trust me, ella se hizo la chiva loca, and because she knows you are probably soft spoken, she wants to take advantage of you. It is in the DR culture; tratar de joder al otro antes que te jodan a ti.

    Stand your ground next time, don't be afraid. Your not going to make any enemies; I assure you that should you have told your husband's niece "Sorry, no" she may have gotten a bit mad day 1, but the next day she would have been all smiles with you. Its just part of the culture.

    Main thing from these episodes you should learn: stand your ground, no is no.

  4. #4
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    i did laugh at the mosquito net but on the whole this is one sad story. it is clear to me that your husband's family has no education, decency and no respect for you. they will continue to treat you like this because they know they can, because you do not react. i suggest a big juicy and loud raw. make a statement. they will not get pi**ed off, trust me. they will be ok with you being strict just as they are ok with you being lousy
    dominican families do not hold grudges for a long time they will love you just the same, only without abuse.

  5. #5
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    Default The Pirates

    Quote Originally Posted by laurajane View Post
    Is being white a good enough reason for people to do this, can we say "oh but they just dont know any better" and that be a good enough reason??
    White, green or black.
    In the examples you gave, they got away with it.
    So, expect more of this....


    donP

    P.S.:
    Sorry, just saw dv8's post.
    Exactly this!

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by suarezn View Post
    Moral of the story if you marry into poverty this is what you can expect, because after all "you're rich" so why should they feel bad if they take advantage of your generosity...

    BTW I'm Dominican and they do the same $hit to me as well...because again after all "I'm rich" since I live and work in The US, sooo...oh well I'm sure you get the gist.
    I know what you mean and I know how you feel.A few weeks ago a few people I met when I moved
    here in April,said to me,"We are going to take you out to this nice restaurant by the Malecon in SD."
    I said to my self,wow,that is so nice of them.When We got there,everybody ordered,we ate and when
    the waiter brought the bill,one of them told the waiter to give it to me,that I was going to pay!All of
    them said they had no money.I ended up paying dinner for 7 plus myself.

    I learned my lesson,when anybody says,Let's go here,or there I say no thanks!

  7. Dislikes davetuna disliked this post
  8. #7
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    Sounds like this has been going on for a long time and that you have reached your limit.. You say that you are such a soft touch and that tells me that this was not the first time that you have had this sort of things done to you. So if you want a different future, you are going to have to change YOUR pattern.

    If they know that you are not going to complain, then why not take all the baby things from YOUR shower? Why not then pressure you to give them something? Why not strip the room? After all, you are not going to complain, except to your husband who is going to defend them.

    So next time, see if you can do it differently BEFORE you loose something that is really important to you?

    And if the baby shower was for you, I assume that you are expecting so why would you have given away your crib?

    You work here, don't you? And earn your money here?

    Let them do the same.

  9. Likes paintedlbird7, MikeFisher liked this post
  10. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by laurajane View Post
    I have lived here for 8 years and something happened the other day that brought up all my frustration with a certain type of behavior I and some of my ex-pat friends have experienced. I do see the funny side of course and I do in most try to be tolerant of it because after all I am in their country, but at times I could quite happily throttle some of them. I am sure some of you have some similar stories to the following:-

    1) Just recently I was contacted by my sister-in-law saying she would like to throw me a baby shower, but could i please bring the food and drink. I though that was a bit funny but the thought was there to do something nice for me and I of course said yes as they dont have alot of money. Anyway we went and passed a ok afternoon, most of those that where invited were family that i know quite well. I was actually quite surprised to receive presents from them, nothing grand but booties, blankets, socks and clothes most of all very sweet. At the end of the day all the women were sorting all the presents and putting them in different piles, they were then divided against all the women with small babies and they took them home!! I didnt so much as get a pair of socks!! Is this normal???

    2)My husbands niece told me she was pregnant and having a girl and did I have any of my daughters old things she had grown out of, I said I was sorry but my daughter was now 3 years old and all the baby stuff I had for her I had already given away to people already and had only saved the larger items such as beds, prams and high chairs for the future, but alas all the clothes had gone. A week later i received a text asking when she could come a pick all the "big" stuff up, I said i didnt understand and she reminded me that I had said I only had the big stuff left and no clothes. I explained I think she had got the wrong end of the stick and that yes I had those items left but i didnt say she could have them as we may have more children and sorry if i misled her. She whined and moaned and huffed and puffed, until i eventually said she could have the cot as actually it was time my daughter went in a proper bed and allthough it cost me alot of money I felt as though i should help (Am such a soft touch).
    She sent her brother to pick it up in his truck, I also sent the mattress,sheets, blankets, bumper cushion and matress protector with it. I recieved no thank you phonecall or even a text message, allthough she did visit a week later and said with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp..."You didnt send the mosquito net!!"

    3) My husbands mum and dad decided living in the country was too isolating and now they are in their mid seventies moving nearer all their children in the town of Higuey was better for them. We had a large spare room with en-suite at the time and it was offered to them which they gladly accepted. We spent a fortune on new bed, curtains, towels, fans, television, linens, pillows...you name it, we bought it. Anyway after about 3 months Dad decided he missed the country and his friends and also felt he was in top physical condition anymore as he was being too lazy and they wanted to go back. No problem, we just wanted them to be happy. The truck came and I let my husband and the family get on with loading all their bits a bobs and after they had left I went to clean the room and strip the beds etc....well the room was empty, not so much as a curtain pole was left in the room!! I called my husband and he laughed at me when I expressed my dismay, he said "Baby,No they didnt ask, but they are my parents, they dont have too"

    Would love to hear of any similar stories just to maybe assure me I am not alone or just plain uptight!

    Is being white a good enough reason for people to do this, can we say "oh but they just dont know any better" and that be a good enough reason??


    Sounds like the "kindness weakness" thing all over again,

    And his parents....(and immediate family) are looking at you, as the latter, it's nice and admirable that you are trying to be kind,

    But until you toughen up and take a stand, you will be nothing but a doormat to them.....

    I know that sounds harsh, but you are being taken advantage of......

    I wish you the best.......

  11. #9
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    laurajane, I really really need a sofa..................
    would you happen to have a spare.............
    And, could you pleeeeeeese deliver it to my home..............
    But, if you expect me to thank you..........forget about it..............

    B in Santiago

  12. #10
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    The baby shower thing is a new one and probably one of the biggest pi$$ takes I've come across. The hand me downs is bad but not equally as bad as all you need to do is say no.
    And the one with him giving this stuff to his parents? Did he buy it to give away?

    The over all to this sounds like your husband has no respect for you, or appreciates what you do. Sounds bad but he should be standing your ground, it is his family. I'll hang my neck out and presume he didn't pay for the stuff, otherwise he would not give it away, he'd sell it.

    The top and bottom of this is you need to speak up and tell them to stop this behaviour. Tell them you are not a charity, you have one child you are responsible for, you do not need to be mother goose to a bunch of adults also (this being mother comment really sets them down on the level, and gets the point across).

    This isn't a cultural thing, this is plain and simple lack of respect for you.

  13. Likes frank12, la_barbie, SKing liked this post
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