I'm writing another book right now about the North Coast. I thought it would be interesting to introduce a few chapters here just to see how the progression goes. This will be done in a series, only one chapter a day.
1.
The North Coast is not the Midwest. One day last month, on a lazy, Sunday afternoon, Jesus and I were sitting on Cabarete beach smoking catnip and minding our own business when, the second most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life walked up to me and complimented me on my “funky taste in clothes.” After ten minutes of talking to this beauty, I noticed something funky about her as well: she had an Adam’s apple bigger than my own. But the differences didn’t stop there: she had a wide back, was a foot taller than me, and in general, had more muscular definition then me.
Later, I found out that, Divine, a transgender hermaphrodite from Santo Domingo, thought I looked “Slightly deranged, but funky-exotic” (her words). She said that she wanted to introduce me to some of her “girlfriends” from Santo Domingo who were models. She seemed convinced they would be attracted to my “funky, exotic look.”
Okay. What the hell, this might turn out to be interesting, I thought. She might even have a cute girlfriend who’s actually female? So we jumped into my conversion van and went to meet these “Model” girlfriends of hers staying in Sosua. On the way to meeting the models, she wanted to stop by a bar in Sosua to pick up some of her “stuff.” I waited outside while she went inside to retrieve her “stuff.” After thirty minutes of waiting, she hadn’t returned and I had given AMET all of my money to stop them from towing my vehicle up to their police station near the Sosua UFO museum.
I could have flown down to Miami and back to meet her girlfriends for what the bribing of AMET was costing me. So I walked into the bar to see what the hell was taking Divine so long? Inside the bar I was introduced to a group of transgender hermaphrodite Amway members, who just happen to have their own 24 hour internet porn website. After only a few minutes, I was being hit over the head with countless offers to join Amway and save seventy percent on my next toilet paper purchase. The only hitch was that I had to purchase five hundred rolls of toilet paper before I would see any real savings.
Later that evening, Divine wanted to know if she could borrow my motorcycle for only a few minutes; she needed to pick up some of her “Amway stuff.” She said there would be something in it for me; “a big surprise,” but she couldn't tell me what the surprise was? Three days later she returned with several dents on my gas tank, bent handle bars, and the gas hand on empty. She explained that, “it took a little longer than she expected.” She promised to fix the dents and handle bars and fill my gas tank back up--“Just as soon as her Amway checks start rolling in!” The next morning I got a call from someone’s insurance company in Santo Domingo. They wanted to know if I had anything of value, as the person that my “girlfriend” rear-ended--developed a case of “Whiplash, Blurry Vision, High Blood Pressure, shingles, crabs, and Decreased Sexual Appetite.” They said that their lawyers will be contacting my lawyers at my earliest convenience to inform me of the rest of the damages once the test results come back from the CAT and MRI scans. My life is insane.
Frank
1.
The North Coast is not the Midwest. One day last month, on a lazy, Sunday afternoon, Jesus and I were sitting on Cabarete beach smoking catnip and minding our own business when, the second most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life walked up to me and complimented me on my “funky taste in clothes.” After ten minutes of talking to this beauty, I noticed something funky about her as well: she had an Adam’s apple bigger than my own. But the differences didn’t stop there: she had a wide back, was a foot taller than me, and in general, had more muscular definition then me.
Later, I found out that, Divine, a transgender hermaphrodite from Santo Domingo, thought I looked “Slightly deranged, but funky-exotic” (her words). She said that she wanted to introduce me to some of her “girlfriends” from Santo Domingo who were models. She seemed convinced they would be attracted to my “funky, exotic look.”
Okay. What the hell, this might turn out to be interesting, I thought. She might even have a cute girlfriend who’s actually female? So we jumped into my conversion van and went to meet these “Model” girlfriends of hers staying in Sosua. On the way to meeting the models, she wanted to stop by a bar in Sosua to pick up some of her “stuff.” I waited outside while she went inside to retrieve her “stuff.” After thirty minutes of waiting, she hadn’t returned and I had given AMET all of my money to stop them from towing my vehicle up to their police station near the Sosua UFO museum.
I could have flown down to Miami and back to meet her girlfriends for what the bribing of AMET was costing me. So I walked into the bar to see what the hell was taking Divine so long? Inside the bar I was introduced to a group of transgender hermaphrodite Amway members, who just happen to have their own 24 hour internet porn website. After only a few minutes, I was being hit over the head with countless offers to join Amway and save seventy percent on my next toilet paper purchase. The only hitch was that I had to purchase five hundred rolls of toilet paper before I would see any real savings.
Later that evening, Divine wanted to know if she could borrow my motorcycle for only a few minutes; she needed to pick up some of her “Amway stuff.” She said there would be something in it for me; “a big surprise,” but she couldn't tell me what the surprise was? Three days later she returned with several dents on my gas tank, bent handle bars, and the gas hand on empty. She explained that, “it took a little longer than she expected.” She promised to fix the dents and handle bars and fill my gas tank back up--“Just as soon as her Amway checks start rolling in!” The next morning I got a call from someone’s insurance company in Santo Domingo. They wanted to know if I had anything of value, as the person that my “girlfriend” rear-ended--developed a case of “Whiplash, Blurry Vision, High Blood Pressure, shingles, crabs, and Decreased Sexual Appetite.” They said that their lawyers will be contacting my lawyers at my earliest convenience to inform me of the rest of the damages once the test results come back from the CAT and MRI scans. My life is insane.
Frank
