You are sitting at home on the North Coast in the Dominican Republic thinking about a beer. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt, and you really can?t be bothered to shower because, frankly, you?re too tired. You have your old, torn pajamas on. You know the one -- hole in the crotch, with an old spaghetti stain on the top from who-knows-when and an old pair of beach sandals that have been broken for as long as you can remember.
Right in the middle of this thirst for a beer, you realize you have nothing at home?the electricity has been out since Ednorte fried the grid two days ago when their driver fell asleep at the wheel and hit the light pole in front of Coastal gas station (true story) and your fridge is empty of any adult refreshments because the electricity has been out for 48 hours. This means that you will need to run to the local Colmado or maybe Playero or Janet?s supermarket in order to get something to help quench your thirst.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. If you?re a woman, you check your behind from both sides, and then tighten your butt muscles while simultaneously checking in the mirror to see that they are still working.
Now add a dab of your favorite cologne or perfume, because you never know - you just might meet some hot chick or man while shopping. Plus, you remember that there is a pretty hoot girl or guy running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You're in a relationship so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne or perfume to cover the smell. The cute girl or guy running the register is the kid sister to your neighbor.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a shirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different sandals and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of cologne or perfume is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to the local colmado or Playero supermarket. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's or son?s age and you feel weird thinking that he or she is hot.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change sandals because you don't want to mess up your favorite broken sandals. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when he or she sees you coming and you think you still have it. you suck your gut in further, but it makes it hard to breath.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from a wet T-shirt contest in Sosua and it says, 'Got Beaver!'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. No need to change sandals either. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The hot thing running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not really sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the supermarket until you?ve gone to the bathroom first. You don't even notice that your sandals are broken.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls or beaver is hanging out the hole in your crotch. Can't be bothered to care anymore.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to the store. Go to hardware store instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
In your 90's & beyond: Where is the colmado or Playero supermarket? Somewhere across town?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Who farted?
Right in the middle of this thirst for a beer, you realize you have nothing at home?the electricity has been out since Ednorte fried the grid two days ago when their driver fell asleep at the wheel and hit the light pole in front of Coastal gas station (true story) and your fridge is empty of any adult refreshments because the electricity has been out for 48 hours. This means that you will need to run to the local Colmado or maybe Playero or Janet?s supermarket in order to get something to help quench your thirst.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. If you?re a woman, you check your behind from both sides, and then tighten your butt muscles while simultaneously checking in the mirror to see that they are still working.
Now add a dab of your favorite cologne or perfume, because you never know - you just might meet some hot chick or man while shopping. Plus, you remember that there is a pretty hoot girl or guy running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You're in a relationship so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne or perfume to cover the smell. The cute girl or guy running the register is the kid sister to your neighbor.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a shirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different sandals and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of cologne or perfume is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to the local colmado or Playero supermarket. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's or son?s age and you feel weird thinking that he or she is hot.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change sandals because you don't want to mess up your favorite broken sandals. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when he or she sees you coming and you think you still have it. you suck your gut in further, but it makes it hard to breath.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from a wet T-shirt contest in Sosua and it says, 'Got Beaver!'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. No need to change sandals either. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The hot thing running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not really sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the supermarket until you?ve gone to the bathroom first. You don't even notice that your sandals are broken.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls or beaver is hanging out the hole in your crotch. Can't be bothered to care anymore.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to the store. Go to hardware store instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
In your 90's & beyond: Where is the colmado or Playero supermarket? Somewhere across town?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Who farted?
