I would like to offer my resume for other esteemed positions other then Mayor:
Frank The Cabarete Tank
Cabarete, Dominican Republic
(809) 867-5309
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OBJECTIVE: My goal is to obtain the esteemed position of Bank President or Brothel Manager—possibly both—if the hours are not too long. I’m not looking for too much upward mobility simply because, well, I’m trying to avoid as much hard work and responsibility as possible. I find it interferes with my time looking at girls on the beach. I’m a girl watcher. I can also utilize my skills learned from past employment where basically, I like to look very busy while the boss is around, and then, take cat-naps underneath the desk after he leaves. I find I’m more productive when I have an afternoon power nap or nookie.
EDUCATION: High School
Bonao, Dominican Republic
Graduated: Still working on it…almost there!
SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS
• Trilingual in two languages, but I can also talk in a secret language I perfected on donkeys and prostitutes.
• Excellent work history. I can sleep with my eyes wide open and look as if I’m giving you my full attention.
• Motivated, well organized and detailed-oriented as long as food, chocolate, or poontang is involved.
• Ability to work well with others and able to handle multiple tasks and projects simultaneously as long as I get my power nap in before noon.
• Good communication, written and customer service skills. I can feign looking busy.
• Ability to be on time with a good attendance record as long as money, chocolate or beaver is around.
• Computer programs: Microsoft Word, Facebook, Match.com, Eharmony, Christiandating for free.com, and nudist-camps.com.
• Point of Sales System(POS)
WORK EXPERIENCE:
Jose O’Shay’s: December 2006 – Current Employer
Glorified Dishwasher/Channel changer
This facility stores nutcases, eccentrics, mentally challenged, sexual deviants, sexually desperate, and extraordinary cheap people from Quebec, Montreal, and Ohio. My responsibilities include, but are not limited to, selecting certifiably crazy, religious fundamentalists, sexually deprived Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons—as well as stray dogs and donkeys—and patting them on the back and reassuring them that they’re ok. Another part of my job includes maintaining clean remote controls and organizing them for the day’s operations.
Jose O’Shay’s: September 2006 – June 2008
Bartender & Glorified Psychologist
Face to face sales and customer service for people’s troubles and tribulations. I was responsible for providing each new and returning customer with all the necessary information needed to make a semi-educated everyday decisions, which include, but are not limited to—finding the best burger, best beer, the best brothel, the best beef nachos, and best girlfriend for one hour. This job required maintaining beer and girls in inventory and making them as presentable them as possible.
Bilingual Interpreter
Translating and interpreting services for Dominican girls and overweight, balding, obese customers from Germany, Quebec, and the Midwest. Duties included translating a variety of dialects and languages—including Aunt Jemima and Beaver whispering—as well as consultations and mediation sessions I’m also qualified to serve as an interpreter between the ladies and the Johns. I can mediate and help negotiate a good win-win deal between both parties.
Fulfillment Coordinator
Fulfillment department leader for customers and local girls. I can provide pick-up and deliver packages door to door, as well as training.
In conclusion, feel free to contact me at your earliest convenience. I can be found sitting at the bar 7 days a week, 12 hours day, provided there is some sort of sporting event on television or topless girls sitting at the bar.
Sincerely, Frank, The Cabarete Tank
