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  1. #1
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    Default Diary of a North American in…Dominican Republic

    Diary of a North American in…Dominican Republic

    June 1st:
    Today I moved into my new condo on the North Coast of the Dominican Republic. What peace – everything is so beautiful here. The ocean and beach is so majestic. I can’t wait to feel the warm breeze and the taste of salt in my mouth. It is so great to have left behind the cold weather, the snow, the rain, the tornadoes, the crime, and the goddamn rednecks and hillbillies of North America. This is living!

    July 1st:
    Cabarete, on the north coast of the DR is the nicest place I have ever seen in my life. The mangos have begun to ripen and turn a crimson red and bright ochre-yellowish-orange. It is so great having fruit all year around. I took a hike down the beach today and saw my first shoe shine boy and beach salesmen, how beautiful these people are. They are so street savvy, so smart; they are one of the sharpest salesmen I have ever seen. This has to be paradise. I am hoping the sun shines all day long. This is living!

    August 1st:
    Soon hurricane season will begin. I cannot imagine why a person would want to leave this island. Autumn is almost here. I hope it rains soon. This is living!

    September 1st:
    Last night it rained hard. A torrent of rain saturated everything around. I awoke and found my yard covered in a raging river of livestock, driftwood, plastic bags, and poop. It looks like a Tropical postcard, “Apocalypse Now” Vietnam movie. I went out to clean the front yard and steps and mop the balcony. I reveled in the water fallen mangos. I even had a mango fight with my neighbor (I won); I blacked both her eyes. She’ll be ok. The scrap metal truck came by with speakers blaring something in Spanish; it passed by my house this morning at 6:30am. It’s the funniest thing…he had speakers atop of his truck and they were so loud that they rattled my fillings in my mouth loose (I must go to the dentist). The speakers were so loud that I awoke on the floor next to my bed, which forced me to get up and close all the windows in my condo. This caused me to sweat profusely from a lack of air circulation. His vehicle was followed by another truck blaring music so loud that the remainder fillings in my mouth came loose. The locals are so energetic here; they sell everything from their vehicles. They are such talented entrepreneurs. They resemble Steve Jobs. What a place. so beautiful.

    October 1st:
    Last night it rained heavily again. It saturated everything around, leaving puddles of water and thick mud everywhere. I love it. The scrap metal truck came by once again at 6:30am, his speakers were so loud that the plaster on my ceiling came loose and began to rain down on me—caking my mouth and eyelids. After he left, another half dozen other motivated entrepreneur car salesmen came driving past—going back and forth—to and fro—all day long. They seem to never sleep, but what are you going to do? Anyway, this is living!

    November 1st:
    Another night of rain. Before I could finish mopping my balcony, the rain started again and saturated everything in 2 feet of water, forcing me to miss work. I am bit tired from all the rain. Goddamn hurricane season! What a life?

    December 1st:
    Last night, guess what, it rained again, better yet it came down sideways. My hands have turned to sh1t and are full of callouses from all the mopping. I am starting to believe that god is watching me and waits for me to finish to mopping everything before sending another deluge of water down on me, tormenting my life. That son-of-a-bitch!

    December 25th:
    It is a rain soaked Christmas. Everything is saturated with water. Everything has taken on a musty, damp smell….like the smell of your grandmother’s bra after she’s sweated and worn it all day. This is some bullsh1t! If I catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives past every morning at 6:30am, blaring his speakers and repeating the same innate phrase over and over again in bad Spanish, I swear, I will murder him like a dog. I can’t fathom why they don’t use a more subtle way of selling things in the streets in this country?

    December 27th:
    Last night it rained even more. I am so done with rain. It has rained 3 days straight and I have not been able to leave the house. There is a raging river outside my condo! I only go out to mop the balcony after another dark cloud has dumped another deluge of water on the lake that used to be my front yard. I can’t go anywhere. My motorcycle is buried under 3ft of water. The rain has now overwhelmed the buried septic tank out front and we now have large pieces of people’s poop floating past my balcony like a chocolate river. It’s like Willie Wonka & the Chocolate Factory in my front yard. The scrap metal truck has driven past again blaring his speakers alongside other trucks selling platanos, bananas, eggs, avocados, pots & pans, shoes, underwear, and Viagra….everything is for sale here! Everyone has large speakers atop of their vehicles selling everything imaginable. There is no chance for a sleep. Goddammit!

    December 27th:
    The ****ing truck salesman has driven past for like the 100th time today looking for used batteries, old beds, and any scrap metal laying around. Instead of driving past and continuing down the road…he has stopped in front of my condo and put his tape recorded on repeat and fallen asleep at the wheel. He has been out front for four fuc&king hours. That stupid sh1t!

    I would like to sh1t on the mother of whoever invented this place as somewhere to live in peace. If this sh1t continues, I don’t think I will get any sleep before the summer arrives. Guess what? The fruit and scrap metal vehicles got a flat tire near my house and the drivers came to my condo to borrow a lug nut wrench and spare tire. They have no tools on this island. None! That motherfu*&er!

    January 1st:
    I was unable to sleep last night. No one is working. The locals all had their SUV’s and car stereos turned up full blast! They sat outside in the parking lot all night long blasting their car speakers as loud as they could. They tried to outdo each other in volume. People’s fillings and teeth were laying all around the parking lot. In the morning, the fruit salesman and the scrap metal vehicles showed up and they blasted their volumes as loud as they could reach. This was followed by a group of Motoconchos (motorcycle taxis) coming past with their mufflers removed. I’ve lost all hearing in my left ear, and my right ear is ringing non-stop. I went to buy food and a goddamn supermarket parking lot was full of kids blaring their speakers as loud as they could. I gave up, and drove to the nearest gas station to purchase some essential stuff like beer, and that too was chalk full of Dominicans with music blaring from their vehicles so loud that is caused the roof of the gas station to bounce up and down like a mattress. I drove through the crowd, running over as many drunk kids as possible. Son-of-a-bitch! The damages to my face and body are going to run me in the thousands of dollars. All these goddamned animals should be poisoned. Every last one of them.

    I wish the hurricane had exterminated all of these kids and killed their speakers!

    February 1st:
    I got released from the hospital last night and came home to recover in bed, another weekend night, and yet another Dominican holiday! How many religious holiday do they have on this god forsaken hedonistic island?! I was in bed and the music started pounding again. I jumped up to close the windows and slipped and fell and broke my leg. After laying on the ground moaning in unimaginable pain, I passed out. The pain was too much to bare. I had a dream that I had a bazooka. I fired the bazooka at all of the loud vehicles and motoconchos driving past. I dreamed that I slept peacefully on a tropical island in the Caribbean. Sadly, I awoken to find my windows cracked and broken in several places from the deep bass emitting from the vehicles out in the parking lot.

    April 1st:
    When the cast finally came off, I had to take the motorcycle to the mechanic. AMET (traffic Police) stopped me and told me that I was not wearing my helmet. What the hell? There were police and dozens of people driving past us without any helmets whatsoever. The AMET police did not have any helmets either! Is there no logic in this country?

    April 10th:
    I have once again moved back to North America. This is living!
    What peace. What tranquility. The autumn, the spring, the four glorious seasons! Even the lowlifes are a welcome site. The truth is that whoever wants to live in the Dominican Republic, which is so loud, corrupt, and without logic, is a sh1t-talker that has to be more insane than the devil himself. This is living. What a great civilized, organized, peaceful, transparent society we live in in North America.

    Frank

  2. #2
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    What took him SO LONG????????????????????????
    CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
    That "Truck" comes by my house EVERYDAY!
    I actually love it!
    He screams, "Batteries","Metal", "Plastic",' Broken TV's, stoves, refrigerators,...."ANYTHING OLD", at that point, I yell to my wife,....."He is Calling You"!!!!!
    It NEVER GET OLD, Too ME!!!!!!

  3. #3
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    You're right Cris - that damned truck passes our house every day too. How much used metal 'stuff' do these guys think is going to turn up in a campo barrio in 24 hours?????




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  5. #4
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    FYI

    present price for ferrous scrap is RD$4.75 / lb, aluminum cans RD$18.00 / lb., #1 copper is RD$100.00/lb..........
    & old dead Inversor Batteries are RD$1,000.00 each!!

    g'luck

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    I knew how that was going to end, but loved the read. Thanks Frank

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    for the record. i have at least 5 of those friggin scrap trucks that pass through Jardin Deportivo. I also have 3 produce vendors and several trucks delivering to the 3 calmados 2 blocks from me LOL.

    All 3 colmados and the new dominican workers at the place around the corner being rehabed have competitions on loudness.

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  10. #7
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    Frank, I think it's quite dumb to compare all of DR based on your experience living in cabarete. Not every single place in North America is peaceful or even civilized. Cabarete is very busy and very touristy. There are plenty of other options you in the country that would've been more to your liking. Anyway, you are probably better off in the US anyway.


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  12. #8
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    CarpeDReam, it's the arc of the story that matters. I thought it was quite funny.

    Quote Originally Posted by CarpeDReam View Post
    Frank, I think it's quite dumb to compare all of DR based on your experience living in cabarete. Not every single place in North America is peaceful or even civilized. Cabarete is very busy and very touristy. There are plenty of other options you in the country that would've been more to your liking. Anyway, you are probably better off in the US anyway.


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  14. #9
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    You could've chosen^


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  15. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by CarpeDReam View Post
    Frank, I think it's quite dumb to compare all of DR based on your experience living in cabarete. Not every single place in North America is peaceful or even civilized. Cabarete is very busy and very touristy. There are plenty of other options you in the country that would've been more to your liking. Anyway, you are probably better off in the US anyway.


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    Frank took the story of "Diary of a Dominican...in Minnesota" and did the same but gringo version. It was posted yesterday. Look it up!

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