One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The end.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The end.
- Thread starter Sosua Sonny
- Start date
Short and Sweet...
Of course you know this means war! 
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says...":classic:
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.:classic:
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says...":classic:
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.:classic:
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Man stepped on the moon
Men don't have periods
Men dont get pregnant
Men dont get ****ed during sex
Men invented the light bulb
Research shows men are paid more than women in the workplace-FACT
Man invented cars
Man invented the computer iphone apple-microsoft-Tv music
Men invented the anti biotic
Men can come home anytime they want
Women get fat quick
Men will always be Presidents and Leaders
Men lead the country
Men are explores all the world and discover the exotic
God created man before women
Guys dont bleed during that 'month'
I can think of more but ill let these cold facts sink in
Men don't have periods
Men dont get pregnant
Men dont get ****ed during sex
Men invented the light bulb
Research shows men are paid more than women in the workplace-FACT
Man invented cars
Man invented the computer iphone apple-microsoft-Tv music
Men invented the anti biotic
Men can come home anytime they want
Women get fat quick
Men will always be Presidents and Leaders
Men lead the country
Men are explores all the world and discover the exotic
God created man before women
Guys dont bleed during that 'month'
I can think of more but ill let these cold facts sink in
OKay Bronze it is on...
http://ify.valuewalk.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/woman-better-than-man.jpg
http://ify.valuewalk.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/woman-better-than-man.jpg
1) Men Pee Standing Up (usually)
This is a great thing if you really think about it. We can just unzip and pee wherever we want to without a mess. Well, there is the little shake off at the end, but that is a small price to pay for not having to undress a quarter of the way, wipe the toilet seat off before using it, and wiping clean. It's a whole ritual that men do not need to do. Don't even get me started on women peeing outside; it's quite a mess!
Now, we can pee sitting down but it involves a bit of contortion. Oh, and did I mention that we can also draw designs with our pee. It's true, when bored, we can move the stream of our pee back and forth in designs. It's quite an art form; one which women just cannot do. Be jealous, ladies!
2) Men Do Not Wear Make-up (usually)
This is another great advantage! It saves us abundant amount of time to pretty ourselves up to prepare us for the world's viewing. It also saves us tons and tons of money; make-up is expensive! Some men do wear it but it takes a special kind of man for that.
3) Men Do Not Need Expensive Fashion Clothes or 20 pairs of Shoes (usually)
This is similar to reason #3 above. It saves us abundant amount of time to get us to get dressed. We just need our underwear (if we choose to), jeans, a t-shirt, socks (optional), and sneakers. Voila! No fancy clothes, no arguing about which matches what, and no big decisions. We just toss it on and go! It also saves us tons of money. Some men do wear more matching clothes and still others do wear dresses, etc.
4) Men Are Taller (usually)
A quite simple one really. We can reach more things higher up, like in stores with its higher shelves. Of course, there are taller women like in Australia, where women average 5'8"+. But anyone will tell you that any race of women can't jump...as high as men!
5) Men Are Stronger (usually)
This is similar to #4 above. We are generally physically stronger than women. We can lift things they cannot and do nifty things, such as open jars easier. There are a few women that are as strong as or stronger than some men, like the female pro wrestler, Chyna.
6) Men Do Not Worry About How They Look
We do not stare at ourselves in mirrors for hours just to spot a blemish or wrinkle. We don't worry about getting old; well, most of us don't. Women hit thirty and they whine about their age and starting lying. Not men! Nosiree, Bob! When asked our age, we just answer without a thought. In the military, when asked our name, rank, age, we just spit it out. We don't stand there and say, "Mary Jane, Lt. Captain, uh 28, Sir!" Also, we don't sit around worrying if our butts are too big and we certainly talk to other men with beers and say stuff like, "Did you see Bill's butt? My God, it has gotten so big! I'm glad I've still kept my youthful appearance! Hahaha!"
7) Men Are Better Cooks
Contrary to popular opinion that women are better cooks than men, who are the biggest, most famous chefs? Men! We have Graham Kerr, Emeril, Wolfgang Puck, and many more. Heck, even pro wrestler, Ric Flair, was a chef. Women are trying to catch up with Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray, but cooking is still very much a man's world! Who do you think invented such staples as hot dogs, pizza, hamburgers, sandwiches, chili, beef jerky, and peanut butter? Men!
8) Men Have Fewer Orgasms
Aha, I know women are asking themselves, how is this an advantage? Simple! We have one, rarely two, orgasms and we're done! Sex is forgotten and back to work we go! Not like women who have one orgasm and keep wanting more and more. Then women want to cuddle afterwards. I tell you, it's a total waste of time! We just blast away and forget it. Ten minutes and we can work for the rest of the day.
This is a great thing if you really think about it. We can just unzip and pee wherever we want to without a mess. Well, there is the little shake off at the end, but that is a small price to pay for not having to undress a quarter of the way, wipe the toilet seat off before using it, and wiping clean. It's a whole ritual that men do not need to do. Don't even get me started on women peeing outside; it's quite a mess!
Now, we can pee sitting down but it involves a bit of contortion. Oh, and did I mention that we can also draw designs with our pee. It's true, when bored, we can move the stream of our pee back and forth in designs. It's quite an art form; one which women just cannot do. Be jealous, ladies!
2) Men Do Not Wear Make-up (usually)
This is another great advantage! It saves us abundant amount of time to pretty ourselves up to prepare us for the world's viewing. It also saves us tons and tons of money; make-up is expensive! Some men do wear it but it takes a special kind of man for that.
3) Men Do Not Need Expensive Fashion Clothes or 20 pairs of Shoes (usually)
This is similar to reason #3 above. It saves us abundant amount of time to get us to get dressed. We just need our underwear (if we choose to), jeans, a t-shirt, socks (optional), and sneakers. Voila! No fancy clothes, no arguing about which matches what, and no big decisions. We just toss it on and go! It also saves us tons of money. Some men do wear more matching clothes and still others do wear dresses, etc.
4) Men Are Taller (usually)
A quite simple one really. We can reach more things higher up, like in stores with its higher shelves. Of course, there are taller women like in Australia, where women average 5'8"+. But anyone will tell you that any race of women can't jump...as high as men!
5) Men Are Stronger (usually)
This is similar to #4 above. We are generally physically stronger than women. We can lift things they cannot and do nifty things, such as open jars easier. There are a few women that are as strong as or stronger than some men, like the female pro wrestler, Chyna.
6) Men Do Not Worry About How They Look
We do not stare at ourselves in mirrors for hours just to spot a blemish or wrinkle. We don't worry about getting old; well, most of us don't. Women hit thirty and they whine about their age and starting lying. Not men! Nosiree, Bob! When asked our age, we just answer without a thought. In the military, when asked our name, rank, age, we just spit it out. We don't stand there and say, "Mary Jane, Lt. Captain, uh 28, Sir!" Also, we don't sit around worrying if our butts are too big and we certainly talk to other men with beers and say stuff like, "Did you see Bill's butt? My God, it has gotten so big! I'm glad I've still kept my youthful appearance! Hahaha!"
7) Men Are Better Cooks
Contrary to popular opinion that women are better cooks than men, who are the biggest, most famous chefs? Men! We have Graham Kerr, Emeril, Wolfgang Puck, and many more. Heck, even pro wrestler, Ric Flair, was a chef. Women are trying to catch up with Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray, but cooking is still very much a man's world! Who do you think invented such staples as hot dogs, pizza, hamburgers, sandwiches, chili, beef jerky, and peanut butter? Men!
8) Men Have Fewer Orgasms
Aha, I know women are asking themselves, how is this an advantage? Simple! We have one, rarely two, orgasms and we're done! Sex is forgotten and back to work we go! Not like women who have one orgasm and keep wanting more and more. Then women want to cuddle afterwards. I tell you, it's a total waste of time! We just blast away and forget it. Ten minutes and we can work for the rest of the day.
Men are like…..Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough. :laugh:
Of course women don’t work as hard as men…
They get it right the first time.:classic:
Men are like…..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like…..Snowstorms.
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long he will last.:laugh:
Why did god invent men?
Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.:classic:
An english professor wrote up on the board “woman without her man is nothing” and told his students to punctuate it.
The males in the class wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The Females wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.” :classic:
They never seem to be long enough. :laugh:
Of course women don’t work as hard as men…
They get it right the first time.:classic:
Men are like…..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like…..Snowstorms.
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long he will last.:laugh:
Why did god invent men?
Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.:classic:
An english professor wrote up on the board “woman without her man is nothing” and told his students to punctuate it.
The males in the class wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The Females wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.” :classic:
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.” :laugh:
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.” :laugh:
A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out. The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush bolders.
He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari appeared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other man on the earth. He was turned into a woman.
He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari appeared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other man on the earth. He was turned into a woman.
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Why Men Are Like Computers:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
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1) Men can reach the top shelf. And not just in the kitchen. They can reach up there in the garage, the basement, even in your clothes closet.
2) Men can unscrew a new jar of jelly or olives or any other jar from the grocery store that is screwed down so tight it takes a real -- shall I say it? -- man to open the damn thing.
3) Men offer a lot of advice -- all for free.
4) Men know how to gamble. I'm not saying they know how to win, just that they know how to gamble.
5) Men have incredible focus and an unbelievable attention span. I mean, have you ever tried to watch a baseball game, or a golf match, all the way through? They can play a violent video game for 6 or 8 hours, without stopping.
6) Men have an understated but always-appreciated social skill involving -- as my friend Joe the golfer likes to say -- the ability to "grace you with the gift of their absence," especially on a Saturday or Sunday during golf season.
7) Men can fix things. Well, some men can fix things. Other men try to fix things, then after they break them, they know how to call in the expert. Either way, they care of the mechanical things in your life.
8) As politicians prove over and over again, men can yell louder than women, they can interrupt more often, and they have the ability to completely ignore what that the other person is saying.
9) Men do yard work . . . at least, as long as they can use some kind of heavy machinery.
2) Men can unscrew a new jar of jelly or olives or any other jar from the grocery store that is screwed down so tight it takes a real -- shall I say it? -- man to open the damn thing.
3) Men offer a lot of advice -- all for free.
4) Men know how to gamble. I'm not saying they know how to win, just that they know how to gamble.
5) Men have incredible focus and an unbelievable attention span. I mean, have you ever tried to watch a baseball game, or a golf match, all the way through? They can play a violent video game for 6 or 8 hours, without stopping.
6) Men have an understated but always-appreciated social skill involving -- as my friend Joe the golfer likes to say -- the ability to "grace you with the gift of their absence," especially on a Saturday or Sunday during golf season.
7) Men can fix things. Well, some men can fix things. Other men try to fix things, then after they break them, they know how to call in the expert. Either way, they care of the mechanical things in your life.
8) As politicians prove over and over again, men can yell louder than women, they can interrupt more often, and they have the ability to completely ignore what that the other person is saying.
9) Men do yard work . . . at least, as long as they can use some kind of heavy machinery.
