It's Funny Friday...

mobrouser

Bronze
Jan 1, 2002
2,339
98
48
Two Glesga boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
 

mobrouser

Bronze
Jan 1, 2002
2,339
98
48
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply send him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
 

mobrouser

Bronze
Jan 1, 2002
2,339
98
48
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this then, it's still in the crate!?