A few carefully places commas and periods, and this story is genius. Here, let me give it a try on strong coffee:
A one in a million kind of hillbilly...from L.A (Lower Alabama), with blue suede golf shoes, Alabama hat, Jack Daniels always in right hand, bag of ice in his left, has left the building. Alabama Gary rode a John Deere riding lawn mower everywhere on this island, bet on college football games like mad every Saturday, gambled on NFL on Sundays (lost more than he won), but was never short of money, booze or women. Alabama Gary retired at the age of 45 from any semblance of hard work. The only thing he understood about 9 to 5 was that it was the hours the liquor store kept and a song sung by Dolly Parton. Alabama Gary had few male friends, and yet, somehow seemed to accumulate hundreds of Dominican girlfriends. He also had two ex-wives in Alabama (one still had her teeth). He seemed to have with him at all times a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bag of ice, and at least one or two female acquaintances around his arms?holding him up. He loved to cook, and was considered by many close friends to be an expert at ordering pepperoni pizza with anchovies. He was also an expert with a crock pot and microwave oven. He liked young ladies at his side at all times?right next to his bottle of Viagra that he carried with him everywhere he went. He chewed on them like they were Flintstone Vitamin pills. Alabama Gary claimed that Viagra helped his High blood pressure, lowered his cholesterol, made his vision better, and warded off mosquitos and cranky old ladies.
He came to DR seven years ago after being kicked out of Alabama, Nevis, and then Brazil. He went back to Alabama last year, but never actually made it, because...well, he got lost somewhere in Florida where he made camp at a nudist camp advertising ?Happy Hour? specials on Beaver. He spent his afternoons in Sosua, camped at Passions...where he always parked his John Deere riding lawn mower at the front entrance, blocking it. He loved crawfish etouffee, pepperoni pizza, Jack Daniels, and beaver. He survived on a diet rich in protein and Viagra?claiming it improved his hearing and vision. Alabama Gary was tri-lingual--he spoke Spanglish, Hee-Haw, and a seldom understood dialect known as "LAH" (Lower Alabama Hillbilly). He liked to talk to Dominicans for hours despite the fact that they didn?t speak a word of English, nor understood a word that he was saying to them. And yet, he could carry on conversations for hours and hours about the Crimson Tide, the Four Horsemen, and where to find the best Happy Hour beaver (HHB) in town. He could also sit and watch American football for 12 hourswithout a single urination break. He had no problem sitting with anyone as long as they cheered for the team he had his money riding on. In-between plays and downs, he screamed out his three favorite phrases across the bar: ?Mas Yellow!? ?Duble Jack Daniels,? and ?Roll Tide!? He was a member in good standing at Passions, CMC, or any brothel that served Jack Daniels, Beaver, and pepperoni pizza...not necessarily in that order. Even though I did not speak to him every day, I could always hear him screaming across the bar at the waitresses as he shouted out for more ?Viagra and Beaver!? Alabama Gary liked me because he thought I was funny?in a redneck sort of way?and oh, yeah?because, he said, ?I was one of the few people in the DR who could both understand and speak fluent Hillbilly, Hee Haw, and Spanglish.? I am saddened by his sudden departure to America to purchase more etouffee and Viagra. But I expect him back soon.
Frank