Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock,
6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"
________________________________
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much
noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a 727?"
________________________________
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff
queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"
________________________________
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329
heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
________________________________
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked:
"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
________________________________
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway
101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."
________________________________
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a
priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was
running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The
dreaded seven-engine approach."
________________________________
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich ,
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
________________________________
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind
of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you
copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've
already notified our caterers."
________________________________
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The
DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past
the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio
and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by
yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."
________________________________
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without
any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up
our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was
dark, and I didn't land."
________________________________
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of
a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong
turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air
crew, screaming: " U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are
you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D,
but get it right!!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed
everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You
stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when
I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air
2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller
in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
once?"****
6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"
________________________________
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much
noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a 727?"
________________________________
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff
queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"
________________________________
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329
heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
________________________________
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked:
"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
________________________________
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway
101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."
________________________________
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a
priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was
running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The
dreaded seven-engine approach."
________________________________
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich ,
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
________________________________
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind
of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you
copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've
already notified our caterers."
________________________________
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The
DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past
the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio
and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by
yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."
________________________________
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without
any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up
our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was
dark, and I didn't land."
________________________________
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of
a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong
turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air
crew, screaming: " U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are
you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D,
but get it right!!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed
everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You
stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when
I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air
2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller
in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
once?"****