Joke of the day (for the ladies)

Theresa

Vettehead from Buckhead
Jan 16, 2002
491
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A FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY

~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly saut?ed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't fu**ing think so.
 

Marc

New member
Jan 1, 2002
362
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www.haugen.ca
On the frog theme

For those that know engineers...an oldie but a goodie...

<center><b>"An Engineer and His Frog"</b></center>
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
 

El Jefe

Bronze
Jan 1, 2002
534
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"God's Creations"
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the
99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want
fries with that? And Man said, "Super size them."
And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts
and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.
And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its
own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat
and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And he created French onion dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....

And Satan created HMOs.
 

Hillbilly

Moderator
Jan 1, 2002
18,948
514
113
A joke to offend Men and women, especially blonds







My Wife Is Having A Heart Attack
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes
upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating and panting

"What's up?" he says
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone,
but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old
son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure
enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet
floor.

"You rotten bastard, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart
attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
 

jjsk

"Going for Gold"
Jan 1, 2002
338
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don't speek inglis

There was this Latin lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but she managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it in English, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...




:eek:



;)


















What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
:D
 
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Criss Colon

Platinum
Jan 2, 2002
21,843
191
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38
yahoomail.com
"Where,s The Beef"!?

I bet she paid more for the sausages than she paid for the pork and chicken combined! ........... Reminds me of the woman who went to the hardware store to buy a hook to hang her coffee cup above the kitchen sink. She of course looked all around the store,even after she found the hook she wanted.She was a very "attractive young woman with large firm round breasts"(Lets really **** off the "Feminists"!) When she arrived at the counter to pay,the owner,(Remember those "Breasts") looked at the hook and said;"Would you like a screw for that hook"? "No',said the woman, "But I,ll "Bl*w" you for the blender in aisle 4" Criss Colon
 

jjsk

"Going for Gold"
Jan 1, 2002
338
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Martha Stewart vs Reality

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake,
you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the
pantry for up to a
year.

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me
up."
The Real Woman's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad.
Please recite with me: The Real Woman's motto: I made it and you will eat
it and I don't care how badly it tastes.

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Woman's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites
over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because
you can't rub a lime
on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the
problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now BLIND!

Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.

And finally the most important tip......

Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Woman's Way: Leftover wine?
 

Musicqueen

Miami Nice!
Jan 31, 2002
2,252
4
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Thank you jjsk...

You have just proven to me once again...that I AM A REAL WOMAN!!!

Thanks for the laughs!!!

Keep it up!!!

I could sure use one of these a day when I'm at work!!!