Raising Dominican Boy

GringoRubio

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Oct 15, 2015
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I hope I don't sound obnoxious. I wrote and deleted this a few times now.

We have this 10 year old Dominican boy in the house that sort of drives me nuts. He eats everything without regard for others, atrocious table manners, leaves a mess behind everywhere, has no responsibilities, and constantly back talks and makes faces at his mother behind his back. (I call him out on that). He's smart, but only goes to school 3-4 hours a day and then only when it's sunny. I've never seen him do homework. He thinks of nobody except himself and his needs. He's sort of twitchy, nervous kids that use to pace, but I slowly did some behavior modification (psych term) to help him (me too) have more normalized behavior. Strike that, he just danced all over the house with his arms swinging wildly before I shewed him out the door.

It's not too hard to extrapolate into the future, and see a fairly irresponsible and difficult grown man emerging which incidentally is the same as what I know about his father.

I've been on the uncle and mom to give him some responsibility, but that goes nowhere. I make him clean up his messes when ever I can, and I'm a bit of the stepf'er as I turn off his electronics and make him go outside when it's nice to play with the other kids. I've debated taking him under my wing, but frankly, he bugs the crap out of me (a very odd and unique experience for me as I universally like children with apparently one exception). Therefore, I don't think it's fair to the kid or me.

Anyways.... Question: Is this normal way to raise Dominican boys? I see the neighbor girls helping out their mothers/grandmothers, etc. But the boys seem to be universally abandoned to pursue whatever they please until they run home for their next feeding crying "tengo hambre" until their needs are met as if in the throws of a panic attack. (When I'm around, I teach him how to make his own food to meet his own needs. )

It just seems that something is inherently wrong with the above. As if people are trying to purposely raise irresponsible sociopaths. Tigueres, that is.

Is this just me? Is it the house I live in? Or, is this wider Dominican thing? I definitely didn't see this in Nicaragua where boys had responsibilities to the family.

PS - I raised 3 lovely girls. I have little experience with boys.
 

cbmitch9

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Nov 3, 2010
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My wife and I have 3 Dominican boys (our biological children) and they don't resemble nothing you mentioned above. It's not Dominican boys really, it's like that with any child whose parents have not set limits and boundaries. Our boys clean, do the dishes, sweep, etc.. They are obligated to help around the house and do their schoolwork. If you raise a child like a wild animal then he will behave as such. That child you described is a product of his parents' or guardian's doing. Sounds like they did a hell of a job.
 

the gorgon

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Sep 16, 2010
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My wife and I have 3 Dominican boys (our biological children) and they don't resemble nothing you mentioned above. It's not Dominican boys really, it's like that with any child whose parents have not set limits and boundaries. Our boys clean, do the dishes, sweep, etc.. They are obligated to help around the house and do their schoolwork. If you raise a child like a wild animal then he will behave as such. That child you described is a product of his parents' or guardian's doing. Sounds like they did a hell of a job.

nothing more needs to be said. the kid sounds like a mutant, because his dad sounds like one.*
 

Matilda

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Sep 13, 2006
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I raised 3 Dominican boys from the ages of 7,9 and 10. They are all now in their 20s and I was and still am married to their father. I now have a part time foster son who I have had for the past 5 years and who spends some weekends and school holidays with us, and a full time nephew aged 10 who now lives with us - abandoned by mother shortly after birth and father had a stroke and can't care for him.

The first thing I should say is the behaviour you describe is pretty universal to some degree or another and the second it that not all of them are the same.

Eldest step son was moody, but would help when asked to, and could be trusted implicitly - would never take anything which did not belong to him. He did and still does the hand swinging thing though - drives me nuts.
Second eldest step son was very sweet and charming and still is. Amazingly helpful, I taught him to cook and he cooked all of the meals from age 15 ish. However, was very light fingered and stuff kept disappearing - not little stuff - computers and cameras and jewelry is on the disappearing list.
Third step son I thought might have mental problems - wouldnt help at all and hardly spoke. Ended up going to join his mother in Spain.
Foster child is the sweetest child you can imagine. Honest as the day he was born, amazingly helpful, nothing too much trouble and bright as a button. He is being raised by his grandparents.
The latest addition - the nephew is everything you describe. Rude, answers back, eats all day long, has zero memory recall of things you say not to do, swings arms constantly. However, he has his jobs to do - wash dishes in the evening, do his own clothes washing, clean the house and he does them.
My Dominican husband says the only way to teach children is to smack them when they do wrong - I didn't let him do that with his kids and I don't with the nephew - but sometimes I have been close to doing it.
So I have probably been zero help - ask me in a year and will let you know if we have seen any improvement in nephew. All I can say is I feel your pain. I just can't help thinking of the Jesuits "Give me a child till he is 7 and I will show you the man". If that is true there is no hope.

Matilda
 

GringoRubio

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Oct 15, 2015
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My wife and I have 3 Dominican boys (our biological children) and they don't resemble nothing you mentioned above. It's not Dominican boys really, it's like that with any child whose parents have not set limits and boundaries. Our boys clean, do the dishes, sweep, etc.. They are obligated to help around the house and do their schoolwork. If you raise a child like a wild animal then he will behave as such. That child you described is a product of his parents' or guardian's doing. Sounds like they did a hell of a job.

Thanks for saying that. I guess as long as I'm interacting with the child I'll do my best.
 

cbmitch9

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Nov 3, 2010
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Thanks for saying that. I guess as long as I'm interacting with the child I'll do my best.

GringoRubio,

By all accounts, you seem like a good person. Being consistent with the child is the only sure way to modify this child's behavior but you can't do it by yourself. Everyone he interacts with must do their part. If not, he is lost for sure.
 

sanpedrogringo

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Sep 2, 2011
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GringoRubio,
Short, long story: I have been a member of this site since 2011. Reading it daily since 2008. This is my first posting because I always had problems completing the sign-in process, and never followed through on it. Shame on me. Oh well, hopefully that's behind me now. What a lovely thread to finally be able to get my feet wet with, and contribute to.
I as well, have a similar issue, and it has been ongoing for 2 1/2 years, and is a constant thorn in my current relationship. As my screenname shows, I am not Dominican. The mother of my son is. She has a child from a previous relationship, and I wonder if he's not some sort of distant relative to the "problem" in your house. Yes, I understand you being hesitant in writing your thoughts, because I feel exactly the same. I have been around children my entire life, in many different aspects, and I know better than to blame a child....but yes, it can be frustrating. From my experiences, direct and indirect, the problem is the adults, not the child. The child only learns what the adults expose them to....but we know this. Now, to try and answer your question, I can 100% tell you that this is not the way things are in every household in the Dominican Republic. Maybe many, but not all. My current relationship is not my first rodeo in this country. I have been exposed to different types of relationships, not just here, but abroad as well. In a previous relationship of mine, the woman's children, and all children in her family were polite, respectful, trustworthy, and hard workers. Every single one of them. They were truly a pleasure and a joy to be around every day of the week. As years have passed, and although my relationship fizzled, I have remained in contact with some of them as they have grown into young adults. They are still the same. Polite, respectful, trustworthy, and hard workers. I can also tell you that this has nothing to do with economic factors, as some may try to reason with. Now, I had to chuckle when I read your comment regarding your "issue" and resorted to using the term "irresponsible sociopath". That is exactly what I argue about with the mother of my child, in that I will not tolerate that type of behavior in our household. Oh, it's a battle. A pretty big one at that, because it goes beyond his mother, and has to do with the rest of her family. Talk about opening up the can of worms. But I stand firm with, "I will not have a tiguere in our house".
 

sanpedrogringo

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GringoRubio...(2):
Problems I have had with the child in my house stem 100% from his Grandmother (his mother's mother) and Aunt (his mother's sister). It reached a point that I had to ask whether the child had developmental problems, because honestly I would have aided/assisted in finding him the necessary help needed. In spending more time around not only the child, but the rest of the family, and doing my own homework, I realized the problem was the adults. Specifically 2 supposed adults. I have battled to wits end on how I want my/our house to operate, but I can't control what happens when the child "visits Grandma and Auntie" for a weekend. Yes, he is 6 years old, but here are some types of behavior which Grandma and Auntie find 100% correct and acceptable:
1. Up until 6 months ago he was still using diapers.
2. He still uses a pacifier.
3. He still uses a bottle to drink milk out of.
4. He needs to watch TV 24/7.
5. He needs to be the center of attention.
6. Constantly interrupts adults when they are speaking.
7. No matter how durable or expensive a toy or gift is, he finds a way to break it. I conquered that last Christmas by finding him an old school Tonka Truck. Of course, Grandma and Auntie thought it was dangerous for him.
8. Does not like to eat at the table with us, because it takes him away from his tv.
9. Eats about 2 spoonfuls of rice and stops eating because he's not hungry.
10. Lays in his bed, with his legs crossed, yelling for soda. Why? Because he wants it.
11. Needs and adult to go to the bathroom with him, because he can't clean himself.
12. He can't dress himself.
13. Every single thing an adult says to him, has to be repeated 6 or 7 times, and then you get the roll of the eyes, and the attitude to go along with it.
Now that is just the beginning. There is much more. I can't tell you how many times I have gone off the deep end. I can't take it anymore, and I only stick around for the protection of MY son. For the record, there are no problems with my son, and he actually can see the difference in his brother. But, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that NO, you are not alone, but on the same note, it is not in every house, and it usually has to do with adults the child has in his life.
 

bob saunders

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Actually Sanpedrogringo the 6 year you have in the house has some developmental issues. No 6 year is only to wear a diaper if they are normal. We get all sorts of behavioral and developmental issues with Children at the school, and usually the developmental issues are there but the parents/relatives are clueless on how to handle them. Many kids are manipulative if given the opportunity.
I feel for you. My stepson was rather introverted, but well behaved. He had a couple of bad habits that my wife allowed my boys, older by a few years to cure him of. Almost everything on your list is cureable by all the adults being on the same page and being consistent in their application of rules.
 

sanpedrogringo

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Sep 2, 2011
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Thanks Bob...
I hold off on calling them developmental issues, because I don't think that's the problem. I view them as more behavioral, more than developmental. I could be wrong, I'm not a professional in that field, just life experiences. The child knows the difference between right and wrong, but if the family caters to his every whim, he has no reason to do it on his own. Maybe I'm answering my own questions, but it is very frustrating. I see the difference with my child in this relationship. No, I don't administer "The Great Santini" tough love regimen, but I do allow him to do some things on his own so that he learns. It's the old "if you fall off a bike, dust yourself off, and get back on it". My younger one, is quick at that, and enjoys it. His older brother sits there waiting for somebody to run to him frantically, pick him up, hug him, clean him, and pamper him to death. My little one is quick to pick up a broom or mop to help Pa-Pa, but the older one doesn't want to get dirty. This I know is the fault of the Grandmother and Aunt who treat him like a little doll. I jokingly asked once if they thought he was the second coming of Jesus Christ. That didn't go over too well. Very frustrating, and when cultural differences are blended in, even more so. Too an extent, I understand GringoRubio.
 

sanpedrogringo

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Sep 2, 2011
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Bob,
Also I didn't mean to make it sound like the kid only walks around in a diaper all day, that's not the case. He just stopped wearing them last year at night, because his Grandmother always made him wear it to bed when he would stay at her house on weekends, and this manifested itself into total laziness, where he needed/wanted one every night. Again, I blame the adults. Trust me, there has been no shortage of battles between myself and this family, specifically the Grandmother and Aunt.
 

Matilda

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Sep 13, 2006
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I am not sure this will help with sanpedrogringo issues but I have found with the nephew as with Chivirico the foster son and with Alberto stepson number 2 the major help was cooking. We used Aunt Claras Dominican cookbook in Spanish so they learned to read it and cooked a whole range of Dominican street food, such as empanadas, yuca balls etc and they adored cooking. Alberto can now do almost all recipes in the book, Chivirico many and Albert is addicted to it - "What can we cook today?". They learn to read, and most importantly they feel great about what they have achieved and that people enjoy their food and Dios Mio they remember the recipes - when Albert can't remember to flush the toilet or close the fridge door!

Matilda
 

sanpedrogringo

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Sep 2, 2011
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Thanks Matilda. That's a great suggestion to try and connect with the 6 year old. Hopefully, it will break down one barrier. Time and lots of patience.
 

DRdreaming

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Jul 29, 2014
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I have four boys currently living with me, ages 5 to 18. Getting them to clean up after themselves is an ongoing battle. But if I ask them to help me cook, or do laundry, they jump up to help me. We have been working on establishing responsibilities for each of them, and they are holding each other accountable. It is getting their parents and aunts on the same page that seems to be difficult. When they are around all of the rules seem to go out the window. Just keep being consistent with him, even if those around you seem to be enabling his behavior. Rewarding him with praise or a special activity that he likes from time to time will go a long way. Just don't let your frustration with the other adults in his life show (as hard as that may be) and continue to hold him accountable. Remember, he is still a child, and he is behaving this way because the other adults in his life are enabling him.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk
 

josh2203

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Dec 5, 2013
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I realized the problem was the adults. Specifically 2 supposed adults. I have battled to wits end on how I want my/our house to operate, but I can't control what happens when the child "visits Grandma and Auntie" for a weekend. Yes, he is 6 years old, but here are some types of behavior which Grandma and Auntie find 100% correct and acceptable:

From my experiences, direct and indirect, the problem is the adults, not the child. The child only learns what the adults expose them to....but we know this.

Exactly, I fully agree.

Bob,
Also I didn't mean to make it sound like the kid only walks around in a diaper all day, that's not the case. He just stopped wearing them last year at night, because his Grandmother always made him wear it to bed when he would stay at her house on weekends, and this manifested itself into total laziness, where he needed/wanted one every night. Again, I blame the adults. Trust me, there has been no shortage of battles between myself and this family, specifically the Grandmother and Aunt.

I've seen something similar happening, and since I take that the OP is the stepfather of this boy, the first question I have is: Why is the boy still going to these weekend visits? Secondly, why do you have no control on what is going on there? Or, why would the mother not do anything?

If the boy is now 6 years old, and this would still continue, I can only imagine what happens when he's older. I understand from the tone of the OP, that no matter what, he cares about this kid, I if I were him, I would try to do more to fix this.
 

GringoRubio

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Oct 15, 2015
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Thanks everyone. I did some poking around on step-parenting websites too and it appears that my reaction isn't unheard of.

Although the more that I learn and discover, I think I'm more unhappy with the parenting than the boy. Just in the last few days, I've figured out that we missed his birthday, he doesn't have books for school, etc. He's been handed around a bit among the family, so he's had some very inconsistent parenting. His father is a classic Dominican picaflora that does nothing for his children and his health is now in a steep decline anyway. The mother (my girlfriend) has had a lot of turmoil and trauma although she's finding her groove now. The uncle is a great, all around guy and he's terrific with the child.

However, raising children is a long term proposition and I'm just not happy. So, I need to figure out myself first before I just add another chapter of instability to the kid's life. I'll help at a arm's length for now, but I'll strive to be a positive influence in his life.
 

GringoRubio

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Oct 15, 2015
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GringoRubio...(2):
Problems I have had with the child in my house stem 100% from his Grandmother (his mother's mother) and Aunt (his mother's sister). It reached a point that I had to ask whether the child had developmental problems, because honestly I would have aided/assisted in finding him the necessary help needed. In spending more time around not only the child, but the rest of the family, and doing my own homework, I realized the problem was the adults. Specifically 2 supposed adults. I have battled to wits end on how I want my/our house to operate, but I can't control what happens when the child "visits Grandma and Auntie" for a weekend. Yes, he is 6 years old, but here are some types of behavior which Grandma and Auntie find 100% correct and acceptable:
1. Up until 6 months ago he was still using diapers.
2. He still uses a pacifier.
3. He still uses a bottle to drink milk out of.
4. He needs to watch TV 24/7.
5. He needs to be the center of attention.
6. Constantly interrupts adults when they are speaking.
7. No matter how durable or expensive a toy or gift is, he finds a way to break it. I conquered that last Christmas by finding him an old school Tonka Truck. Of course, Grandma and Auntie thought it was dangerous for him.
8. Does not like to eat at the table with us, because it takes him away from his tv.
9. Eats about 2 spoonfuls of rice and stops eating because he's not hungry.
10. Lays in his bed, with his legs crossed, yelling for soda. Why? Because he wants it.
11. Needs and adult to go to the bathroom with him, because he can't clean himself.
12. He can't dress himself.
13. Every single thing an adult says to him, has to be repeated 6 or 7 times, and then you get the roll of the eyes, and the attitude to go along with it.
Now that is just the beginning. There is much more. I can't tell you how many times I have gone off the deep end. I can't take it anymore, and I only stick around for the protection of MY son. For the record, there are no problems with my son, and he actually can see the difference in his brother. But, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that NO, you are not alone, but on the same note, it is not in every house, and it usually has to do with adults the child has in his life.

Wow, you know that sounds very similar to my situation. Development issues could contribute to the above, but it just seems like he's missing a few years of solid parenting and each of these could be worked on.

I like that I'm old enough to complain about kids now days.... However, I think kids are really missing out on the surefire trial and error that comes with physical activities like riding a bike or playing on the swing. When you fall, it hurts. You deal with it and learn how to control risk. Now days... You just get an endless supply of lives to shoot aliens with, so there's need to learn risk management. Or worse, you just drool on yourself in front of the television.

Thanks for surfacing and posting.
 

beeza

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Nov 2, 2006
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Great thread.

As an engineer I find it a challenge raising kids, especially as they don't come with instruction manuals!

I have twins (boy & girl) with my Dominican wife. *They are five now and I think we've found a harmony between Dominican and British cultures and values. *Although there are a few issues where I cannot be overruled. *The boy stills wears nappies at night and still has regular accidents at night and they both drink their milk from bottles.

I would like to stop the bedtime bottle of milk. *For two reasons, I want to wean them off the bottle and i don't agree with giving them liquids before bedtime because of night time accidents. *But my suggestions are being met with resistance.

The other issue is how much energy does one expend trying to get your kids to clean and tidy up after them. *It's usually easier doing it yourself once they've gone to bed. *I don't think this is just a Dominican issue, I'm pretty sure it's universal.

Toys do occasionally get broken. *But I think that it partly down to the quality of the toys here in the DR. *If you want decent branded toys designed to last and resist breakage, they cost a fortune. *Many have to make do with cheap Chinese crap.

The best thing I've found with my two is buying them Kindle tablets with the tough rubber cases. *They love them. *They can play their games many of which are educational, watch their videos and develop their skills interacting with technology. *This is where the leverage comes in to play. *The tablets are used under strict rules and are used for reward or punishment.

I agree about the influence of the Grandparents. *Luckily for us they have both British and Dominican grandparents in the island. *Contact with the Dominican ones are somewhat limited......which is nice!