I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex,
like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache."
"I'm your sister-in-law."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in labour is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband
from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to
stick it up your a$$, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent £5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent
another £2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent £2,000
on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend
£50 on a blowjob for myself and she goes fukking nuts! Women,
I can't figure them out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born,
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.
" The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to
be rude either, but this is a pu$$y, not a fukking photo-copier."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr Phil:
I was watching my next door neighbour's wife sunbathing topless
from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice
my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me.
Is she a pervert or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house
had been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer
and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says,
"I can't believe they fukked my wife after only five beers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your
house for a while? The old lady kicked me out after she caught me
measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way
to the back of her sister's throat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry for not calling you on New Year's Eve, but I just got out of jail.
I was locked up for punching the $hit out of this idiot at a party.
In my defence, when you hear an Arab counting down
from 10 your instincts kick in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because
when you're coming you look like a squirrel trying to whistle!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into
some money.
Last night I fukked a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip,
do you think about me?"
"Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.
like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache."
"I'm your sister-in-law."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in labour is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband
from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to
stick it up your a$$, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent £5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent
another £2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent £2,000
on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend
£50 on a blowjob for myself and she goes fukking nuts! Women,
I can't figure them out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born,
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.
" The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to
be rude either, but this is a pu$$y, not a fukking photo-copier."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr Phil:
I was watching my next door neighbour's wife sunbathing topless
from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice
my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me.
Is she a pervert or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house
had been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer
and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says,
"I can't believe they fukked my wife after only five beers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your
house for a while? The old lady kicked me out after she caught me
measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way
to the back of her sister's throat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry for not calling you on New Year's Eve, but I just got out of jail.
I was locked up for punching the $hit out of this idiot at a party.
In my defence, when you hear an Arab counting down
from 10 your instincts kick in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because
when you're coming you look like a squirrel trying to whistle!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into
some money.
Last night I fukked a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip,
do you think about me?"
"Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.