Just some Irish jokes-can't be too serious, can we?

Hillbilly

Moderator
Jan 1, 2002
18,948
514
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I figured y'all would like these.....some are old, some are
new, but they're all funny.


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face
is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight", says Paddy.

"That little squirt, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did", says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

========================================

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home
from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which
led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy,"It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole,
it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to
be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy?

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what
else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

========================================

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently
all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have
ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course.", slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."

"I did all right." the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out
of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf."

========================================

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But, where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.
I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout
and drowned."

"Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he
at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

========================================

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's
bothering you,Mary, my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband
passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

========================================

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional,
sits down but says nothing.

Thepriest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin. There's no paper on
this side either".


HB, actually laughing!
 

SUN_RA

New member
Jan 14, 2002
15
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0
Thanks, HB nice jokes.. LOL

LOL, Thanks for those nice jokes, they kinda pickup one's spirit.

Did you read the invitation from JROD (yours truly). Check it out and let me know.. email your answer..

Adios,

SUN_RA (JROD)
 

jjsk

"Going for Gold"
Jan 1, 2002
338
0
0
s'more funnies for the holidays

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.