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Thread: Joke of The Day

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
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    Two reasons redneck murders are so hard to solve :

    - All the DNAs match

    - There are no dental records.

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  3. #22
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
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    Do you know what you get when you play a country song backwards?

    You get your house back, your car back, your wife back back, your job back, your dog back.

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  5. #23
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
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    Military Words Of Wisdom

    1. Don't draw fire - it irritates the people around you - Advice to the new guy.

    2. If the enermy is in range - so are you. Infantry Manual

    3. Tracers work both ways". Army Ordinace Manual

    4. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't volunteer for anything". US Navy

    5. The only time you have too much fuel on board is when you are on fire.

    6. Five second fuses last about 3 seconds. Infantry Manual

    7. Nothing is so good for the moral of the troops than to occasionally see a dead general". Field Marshal Slim.

    8. Friendly fire - isn't.

    9. Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two of these are always necessary to successfully complete the misssion. Basic Flight Training Manual

    10. If it's stupid but it works - it isn't stupid. Navy Ops Manual

    11. Having lost sight of our objectives, we need to redouble our efforts.

    12. Any ship can be a minesweeper - once. Navy Ops Manual

    13. If you see a bomb technician running - try to keep up with him. Infantry Journal

    14. Cluster bombing from B-52's is very, very accurate - the bombs always hit the ground.
    US Air Force

    15. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons. General MacArthur

    16. A Purple Heart just proves you were smart enough to think of a plan, dumb enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

    17. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over an area you just bombed.
    US Air Force Manual

    18. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.

    19. A good battle plan that you act on today can be better than a perfect one tomorrow.
    Gen George S. Patton

    20. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Geneade is no longer our friend. USMC

    21 Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club

    22. You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3 SR71 test pilot

    23 We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction

    24. Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
    Last edited by cavok; 11-10-2018 at 10:55 AM.

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  7. #24
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
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    Q: If you attend a cockfight, how do you know if a Polak is there?
    A: He's the one with a duck.
    Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
    A: He bet on the duck.
    Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
    A: The duck wins.

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  9. #25
    No fui yo!
    Join Date
    May 2016
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    Did you here about the Pollack that studied two weeks for a urine test...

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  11. #26
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
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    LEXOPHILIA - Ya Gotta Love It:

    “Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words,

    such as “you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",

    “To write with a broken pencil is pointless."

    An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see

    who can create the best original lexophile.

    This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club,

    but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

    I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says

    he can stop any time.

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

    I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

    A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old

    was resisting a rest.

    Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?

    He's all right now.

    A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now

    fully recovered.

    He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

    When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because

    she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    When chemists die, they barium.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

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